Best Outfit for a Flight?

Lowbrow Answer: A Sweatsuit and a Neck Pillow
Maybe traveling from Boston to Albuquerque was a perilous adventure during the Civil War, but it's the 21st century for Christ's sake. The planes have heat. They serve you Pepsi in mid-air. It's pretty cushy. We're not sitting on wooden benches, helping to peddle the 747. Come on, the whole flight is only going to take like five hours. You're not crossing the country on a 9-month expedition with Lewis and Clark.

And don't get me started on this neck pillow shit. What the hell has happened to us? We used to kill bears with our hands and build houses with rocks and slaughter thousands of Native Americans for fun. Has it really come to this? We need a semi-circle cushion to help us sleep sitting up? If this continues, one day we'll be relying on some kind of Hello Kitty-themed robot from Japan to chew all our food for us and kiss us goodnight.


Middlebrow Answer: High Heels and a Tight Skirt
Hey sweetheart. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this isn't a frat house. There aren't any drunk football players to feel you up by the pool table or hump you arrhythmically on a makeshift basement dance floor. This is an airplane. Nobody wants to chat with you about how great it is to be an English major. All the flight attendants are gay. Take off your Manolo Blahnik's and wipe all that makeup off your face. Trollop.

The guy version of this is even worse. Nothing like a douchebag in an Armani suit and CK One sitting next to you all the way to New York. Yes, I see you're on your way to a business meeting. Good for you. Let me guess. You work in consulting. You attended some yuppie white kid college like Williams or Princeton and now you spend your time moving other people's money around until you save enough of your own to buy a big house and a golden retriever and a wife whose first name is "Grier." I hope your plane crashes. Into Princeton.


Highbrow Answer: Jeans and a T-Shirt
Yes, flying somewhere was a huge deal in 1984. It's not anymore. Get over it. At this point, an airplane is just a big Toyota Camry with wings. Are you really going to get dressed up for a Toyota Camry with wings? Is that how pathetic your life has become? Have you no better occasion to make a big deal out of than a flight to Cleveland? That's sad. Like, Elmo dying of Syphilis sad.

The joy of wearing jeans and a T-shirt on an airplane is that nobody knows anything about you. If you're wearing a suit, we know you're some Wall Street asshole. If you're wearing sandals with socks, we know you're some yocal from Indiana who hasn't been in one of them there flying machines since 1991. Jeans and a T-shirt is understated. You could be anyone. You could be flying to a meeting with the president or a play rehearsal with Johnny Depp or a T-Shirt and Jeans convention. The possibilities are endless.

Best Island Nation?

Lowbrow Answer: Japan
Has anyone else noticed that Japan is basically an immature eleven-year-old girl on Angel Dust? Look at the culture of that place. Everything is bright and neon and Hello Kitty and faux schoolgirl and what the hell is going on over there? Many teenage girls sell their used underwear to business men. It's trendy for adult women to dress like 5-year-olds. The most popular pornography is in cartoon form. I feel like the whole country is run by toddlers who still think boobs are funny.

And guys, what's with all the dolphin and whale slaughtering? You're supposedly one of the most technologically-advanced countries in the world; it shouldn't be too hard to see that you're wiping out your own food source. Plus, come on, dolphins are amazing. If you're going to wantonly kill an entire species, why not make it something useless, like deer or golden retrievers?


Middlebrow Answer: Madagascar
Of the 10,000 plants and animals on this island, only 10% are found anywhere else in the world. Suck on that, global ecosystem. If you live here, you are considered "Malagasy," which is awesome. You sound like a character from Mortal Kombat: "Malagasy wins, Fatality." And lemurs are amazing. I don't care what you say. Take your lemur bashing and get the hell out of here.

Any credibility the island earns, however, is blown to shit when you consider the animated movies of the same name. Who the hell came up with these? Listening to David Schwimmer provide the voice for a pathetic giraffe for two hours feels like the torture you'd get in one of the lower circles of hell. The only thing cool about the movies are the penguins, and they're the one animal that you won't find in Madagascar.


Highbrow Answer: Svalbard
Svalbard is the northern-most inhabited place in the world. The average summer temperature is 41 degrees. The largest city is Longyearbyen, with about 2000 people. There's a period of three months where there is no sun at all. Move to this island, and I guarantee you'll be free of anything lowbrow. Somehow I can't envision the girls from "The Hills" living here.

The leading cause of death on Svalbard is Polar Bear attacks. Umm, awesome. That means that by living there, you're basically guaranteeing yourself an epic and gruesome death at the hands of a wild animal. Bad ass. None of this bullshit cancer or AIDS where you're plugged into machines for months on end. Fuck that. I want to go out quickly and painfully. Why be buried in the ground when you can be eaten by a polar bear?