Best Feature of Facebook?

Lowbrow Answer: The Status Update
Dear Everyone in the World,

I don't care what you are doing in each minute of your life. If I did, I'd call you up every quarter-hour and ask you what you were up to.

I don't care that you're soooooo excited about your new puppy. I hope it gets hit by a car. I don't care that the guy next to you on the subway totally looks like Johnny Depp, LOL. You're ugly and the guy isn't going to hook up with you. I don't care that your wedding was awesome...thanks to everyone who came!! You're wife will starting banging her tennis pro in a few years and you'll be divorced before you're 40.

You're not as important as you think you are. Not one history book will have a blurb on you when you're dead. Nobody cares about the menial events in your day-to-day life. Get over yourself.

Sincerely,
Jeff


Middlebrow Answer: Photos
Yeah, okay, it can be nice to post pictures of cool places you've been. And sure, it helps when you're stalking a girl you just met that you can see pictures of her in a bikini. We've all used facebook pictures to fall desperately in love with somebody before we've even met them. And it can be a fun way to waste ten minutes while you're on break at your trivial, white-collar job.

But that being said, blow me. Nobody wants to see pictures of you doing keg stands with your frat friends. Or you sitting on the beach in Nantucket with the other trust fund babies. And posting shots of yourself in a bathing suit? Could you be any more transparent? "I have low self esteem! Please validate my existence by ogling my body!"


Highbrow Answer: Contact Information
I'm pretty sure that the original intent of facebook was to help people stay connected. It wasn't supposed to become people's entire social life. Having contact information is the only part of the whole website that is actually useful. Of course, in the hands of the inbred yocals who use facebook all the time, I'm sure it's wasted. They'll look up somebody's phone number and, fearing actual human contact, will text the person.

Remember when people used to talk to each other on the phone? Like, when the phonebook was delivered to your doorstep every few months and you actually used it? When you had to talk to your friends' parents before you could talk to your friend. Those are some precious childhood memories: "Hello, Mrs. Humbolt? Can I talk your daughter? Why? Ummm, I like her. Yeah, I like her, like her. No, I can't speak to her?"