Best Thing to do on a Long Car Ride?

Lowbrow Answer: Watch a DVD
Hey wealthy douchebags of America: stop pampering your jerkoff kids. They don't need Tiffany earrings when they're twelve, they don't need vacations in the Hamptons, and they don't need to watch movies in the car. They need a few days of hard work and my foot up their ass.

The worst thing about these is that the kids are never watching anything good. If little Timmy were watching Lars Von Trier's "Dogville" on the way to soccer practice, maybe I'd be okay with the DVD player in the car. But he's not. Little Timmy is watching "The Suite Life of Zak and Cody" and picking his nose. Because little Timmy is a moron, just like his parents.


Middlebrow Answer: Play Car Games
"I Spy" is the greatest game ever created. It's so beautifully simple. You see something - other people guess what it is. Period. There are no special rules or electric buzzers or phoning-a-friend. You just guess. Now THAT'S entertainment. I haven't been this excited since I jaunted around the maypole last St. Crispin's day.

The problem with car games is that, for them to work, you need other people, who may or may not be complete idiots. You can't really play "I Spy" by yourself. (I mean, you could, but they take kids like that away and put them in rubber rooms) You have to play with your cousin or your brother or your friend, and your cousin/brother/friend is usually way less intelligent than you are. Especially if you're me.


Answer: Sit Still and Be Quiet
There's this thing that was invented hundreds of years ago that you may have heard of. It's called "Patience." It's when you shut your mouth and sit still. Sound kind of boring? Yeah, it is. But oh well. Suck it up, you spoiled bitch. Life's not supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be long and arduous and full of shit. Kind of like my lower intestine.

Car rides are great for thinking. Try it some day. Unplug your laptop and switch off your iPod and silence your cell phone and put away your Kindle and logoff your Facebook account and disconnect your GPS and close your Nintendo DS and just let your mind wander. You'll think of all kinds of good stuff that you can tell your friends about on Twitter.

Best Feature of Facebook?

Lowbrow Answer: The Status Update
Dear Everyone in the World,

I don't care what you are doing in each minute of your life. If I did, I'd call you up every quarter-hour and ask you what you were up to.

I don't care that you're soooooo excited about your new puppy. I hope it gets hit by a car. I don't care that the guy next to you on the subway totally looks like Johnny Depp, LOL. You're ugly and the guy isn't going to hook up with you. I don't care that your wedding was awesome...thanks to everyone who came!! You're wife will starting banging her tennis pro in a few years and you'll be divorced before you're 40.

You're not as important as you think you are. Not one history book will have a blurb on you when you're dead. Nobody cares about the menial events in your day-to-day life. Get over yourself.

Sincerely,
Jeff


Middlebrow Answer: Photos
Yeah, okay, it can be nice to post pictures of cool places you've been. And sure, it helps when you're stalking a girl you just met that you can see pictures of her in a bikini. We've all used facebook pictures to fall desperately in love with somebody before we've even met them. And it can be a fun way to waste ten minutes while you're on break at your trivial, white-collar job.

But that being said, blow me. Nobody wants to see pictures of you doing keg stands with your frat friends. Or you sitting on the beach in Nantucket with the other trust fund babies. And posting shots of yourself in a bathing suit? Could you be any more transparent? "I have low self esteem! Please validate my existence by ogling my body!"


Highbrow Answer: Contact Information
I'm pretty sure that the original intent of facebook was to help people stay connected. It wasn't supposed to become people's entire social life. Having contact information is the only part of the whole website that is actually useful. Of course, in the hands of the inbred yocals who use facebook all the time, I'm sure it's wasted. They'll look up somebody's phone number and, fearing actual human contact, will text the person.

Remember when people used to talk to each other on the phone? Like, when the phonebook was delivered to your doorstep every few months and you actually used it? When you had to talk to your friends' parents before you could talk to your friend. Those are some precious childhood memories: "Hello, Mrs. Humbolt? Can I talk your daughter? Why? Ummm, I like her. Yeah, I like her, like her. No, I can't speak to her?"

Best Way to Chat Online?

Lowbrow Answer: Facebook Chat
Wait, Facebook has a chat feature? When the hell did this happen? And whose dumb idea was it? One day I'm on there checking out bikini photos of this hot girl I knew in high school, and then suddenly I'm getting messages from some douchebag I went to soccer camp with twelve years ago. Facebook chat is like having FedEx deliver four beagle puppies to your doorstep that you didn't order. Sure, they're cute, but I didn't sign up for this shit.

As if Facebook weren't already encouraging enough to stalkers, now you can chat with the girl whose pictures you're saving on your hard drive? The next step will be a feature that lets you digitally drop a roofie into somebody's drink.


Middlebrow Answer: G-Chat
Does anybody else feel like only smart people have Gmail accounts? Like all the morons of the world are still using Hotmail or Yahoo? G-chat is unobtrusive and doesn't come with annoying sound effects. Plus the whole thing is linked into your email, which is a bonus. It's like having a car that also makes Pizza.

Although, I can't help but feel like "G-chatting" is something rappers do. Kinda like "pimp-slapping" or "Crip-walking." Maybe I should stick more to white people activities, like polo-playing, dinner-party-having, or minorities-oppressing.


Highbrow Answer: AIM
The only way people are going to find you on this bad boy is if you give them your screename. And even then it can be tricky. I'll be forever grateful to AIM for allowing me and my friends to be known as things like "KoolDudeSoccer," "PearlJamAcolyte32," and "HotGirlKisser74" for many of our formative middle school years.

Plus, check out the logo. It looks like a Keith Haring doodle. Nothing like switching on your favorite piece of software and being greeted by a little piece of modern art. Now THAT'S highbrow.