Best Place to Keep your Blackberry?

Lowbrow Answer: In Your Hand
Has anybody besides me noticed that there is a fighting number of people who carry their blackberries around in their hands? Like, all night. Like, the whole time they're out. Like, they never put it down. I'm talking mostly about women with this one, which is weird because traditionally it's men who like to carry useless shit around in their hands. You know, like guns or NFL tickets or their cocks.

Is your ridiculous little network of digital friends so important that you're utterly terrified of missing one "I LUV YOU, LOL TTYL BRB OMG" text? Let me tell you a little secret: the people texting you are lame. Which means, if you do the math, so are you. By carrying a blackberry around all night, you're basically announcing to the bar: "Please come talk to me until somebody I like more tweets about something stupid." Hmm, what an enticing invitation.


Middlebrow Answer: In Your Pocket
If you're going to carry one, at least have the common courtesy to hide the thing while I'm talking to you. I don't whip out a canvas and some oil paint and start crafting an impressionist work while you tell me about your family, so don't whip out your blackberry and start texting your roommate while I tell you about my irrational fear of clowns.

The bonus of keeping your blackberry in your pocket is you get a little magic every time somebody calls if you have it set to vibrate. Basically, what I'm saying is, it you're talking to me and I suddenly start smiling, it's not because you're funny. It's because my phone is buzzing in my pants and it makes my tinkie-winkie happy.


Highbrow Answer: What's a Blackberry?
Technology blows. Why do I need to keep in constant touch with friends? They only distract me from musing on the philosophical irrationalities of religion. Why do I need to be able to check sports scores every minute? It only stops me from furthering my study of Kant's early work. Unless somebody invents a machine that can detect proletariat lifeforms and eliminate them, I'm not interested in technology.

I'm also sick of corporate shitheads trying to make stuff sound cute by giving it childish names. It's a personal computing device and you're calling it a "blackberry?" How obnoxiously adorable. What will they think of next? Maybe we can start calling the Iraq War a "Playdate in the sandbox," or referring to genocide as "frown removal."

Best Feature of Facebook?

Lowbrow Answer: The Status Update
Dear Everyone in the World,

I don't care what you are doing in each minute of your life. If I did, I'd call you up every quarter-hour and ask you what you were up to.

I don't care that you're soooooo excited about your new puppy. I hope it gets hit by a car. I don't care that the guy next to you on the subway totally looks like Johnny Depp, LOL. You're ugly and the guy isn't going to hook up with you. I don't care that your wedding was awesome...thanks to everyone who came!! You're wife will starting banging her tennis pro in a few years and you'll be divorced before you're 40.

You're not as important as you think you are. Not one history book will have a blurb on you when you're dead. Nobody cares about the menial events in your day-to-day life. Get over yourself.

Sincerely,
Jeff


Middlebrow Answer: Photos
Yeah, okay, it can be nice to post pictures of cool places you've been. And sure, it helps when you're stalking a girl you just met that you can see pictures of her in a bikini. We've all used facebook pictures to fall desperately in love with somebody before we've even met them. And it can be a fun way to waste ten minutes while you're on break at your trivial, white-collar job.

But that being said, blow me. Nobody wants to see pictures of you doing keg stands with your frat friends. Or you sitting on the beach in Nantucket with the other trust fund babies. And posting shots of yourself in a bathing suit? Could you be any more transparent? "I have low self esteem! Please validate my existence by ogling my body!"


Highbrow Answer: Contact Information
I'm pretty sure that the original intent of facebook was to help people stay connected. It wasn't supposed to become people's entire social life. Having contact information is the only part of the whole website that is actually useful. Of course, in the hands of the inbred yocals who use facebook all the time, I'm sure it's wasted. They'll look up somebody's phone number and, fearing actual human contact, will text the person.

Remember when people used to talk to each other on the phone? Like, when the phonebook was delivered to your doorstep every few months and you actually used it? When you had to talk to your friends' parents before you could talk to your friend. Those are some precious childhood memories: "Hello, Mrs. Humbolt? Can I talk your daughter? Why? Ummm, I like her. Yeah, I like her, like her. No, I can't speak to her?"

Best Mobile Telephone?

Lowbrow Answer: The iPhone
My god, I'm sick of Apple. Everything they put out feels like it was designed by the people at Playskool. Big buttons, bright colors, cute little noises. Am I five years old again? And yeah, we get it, the whole thing is touch-screen. Neato. Awesome. In a world where we can send things into space and we can build fake hearts for people, am I really supposed to be impressed by the fact that I can zoom into pictures by spreading by fingers out? Blow me.

I'm also sick of hearing, "There's an app for that!" Need to find an ATM? There's an app for that! Having trouble wiping your ass? There's an app for that! Tired of having to chew your own food? There's an app for that! I'm tired of seeing people with iPhones wandering around staring down at their little digital Gods and never actually interacting with the world. Is there an app for that? Yeah, it's called an Uzi.


Middlebrow Answer: A Cell Phone
Hey, remember when a cell phone was just a phone? When all you could do was talk on it? When it didn't have cameras, GPS, texting, video games, maps, and youtube on it? Those were the good old days. When a man was a man and phone was a phone. If I wanted a camera, I would have bought a camera. If I need directions, I'll read a map. Cell phones are for people who are smart enough to deal with the world without having their hand held by a small Japanese machine.

Of course, whenever I'm carrying a cell phone, I feel like a sissy. Like if something goes wrong I can't handle it myself. Fuck that. I can handle it myself. If my tire pops, I'll fix it. If I can't find where I'm going, I'll look harder. If I'm going to be late, you'll wait. Because you're proletariat filth and you love me.


Highbrow Answer: A Land Line
"But wait," I can hear some of you saying, "Land Lines aren't mobile!"

Yeah, exactly.

I'm not sure who decided that I should be reachable at all times, but it certainly wasn't me. It's gotten so bad nowadays that if people don't hear back from you within the hour, they flip out. I've even had people get mad at me for turning my phone off.

Human beings have scaled the tallest mountains in the world. We've survived massive earthquakes and we've waged wars that have nearly annihilated the entire planet. We're pretty capable. We don't need to be checked in on every half an hour. If you don't hear from me for a day, that's because I don't want to talk to you. Not because I'm dead or dying or in trouble. Just relax. Christ.