Best Place to Keep your Blackberry?

Lowbrow Answer: In Your Hand
Has anybody besides me noticed that there is a fighting number of people who carry their blackberries around in their hands? Like, all night. Like, the whole time they're out. Like, they never put it down. I'm talking mostly about women with this one, which is weird because traditionally it's men who like to carry useless shit around in their hands. You know, like guns or NFL tickets or their cocks.

Is your ridiculous little network of digital friends so important that you're utterly terrified of missing one "I LUV YOU, LOL TTYL BRB OMG" text? Let me tell you a little secret: the people texting you are lame. Which means, if you do the math, so are you. By carrying a blackberry around all night, you're basically announcing to the bar: "Please come talk to me until somebody I like more tweets about something stupid." Hmm, what an enticing invitation.


Middlebrow Answer: In Your Pocket
If you're going to carry one, at least have the common courtesy to hide the thing while I'm talking to you. I don't whip out a canvas and some oil paint and start crafting an impressionist work while you tell me about your family, so don't whip out your blackberry and start texting your roommate while I tell you about my irrational fear of clowns.

The bonus of keeping your blackberry in your pocket is you get a little magic every time somebody calls if you have it set to vibrate. Basically, what I'm saying is, it you're talking to me and I suddenly start smiling, it's not because you're funny. It's because my phone is buzzing in my pants and it makes my tinkie-winkie happy.


Highbrow Answer: What's a Blackberry?
Technology blows. Why do I need to keep in constant touch with friends? They only distract me from musing on the philosophical irrationalities of religion. Why do I need to be able to check sports scores every minute? It only stops me from furthering my study of Kant's early work. Unless somebody invents a machine that can detect proletariat lifeforms and eliminate them, I'm not interested in technology.

I'm also sick of corporate shitheads trying to make stuff sound cute by giving it childish names. It's a personal computing device and you're calling it a "blackberry?" How obnoxiously adorable. What will they think of next? Maybe we can start calling the Iraq War a "Playdate in the sandbox," or referring to genocide as "frown removal."