Best Way to Spell "Tiffany?"

Lowbrow Answer: "Tiffani"
Have we really become so smitten with the Apple corporation that everything has to have an "i" in it now? Steve Jobs isn't that great, I promise you. Everywhere I look, it's the iPhone or the iMac or the iPod. The company is like a swarm of locusts, multiplying and multiplying. Soon enough we'll have iDildos, iDrugdealers, and iAbortions.

The most famous person with this name is Tiffani Amber Thiessen. Man, it's gotta be tough when you're big celebrity's claim to fame is "Saved by the Bell." It's like those indie movies you see that advertise by telling you they played at the Tellumca Film Festival or CineFargo. I got news for you. The Tellumca Film Festival averages six people at every screening and CineFargo is me and my buddy Dwayne watching DVDs in my living room.


Middlebrow Answer: "Tiffany"
Okay, so you've got the jeweler on your side. Plus, your name is an old English reference to an epiphany. Classy. Too bad most people in our generation are only really aware of the lame pop singer from the 80's. She ruined it for you. Kind of like how nobody can really be named "Adolf" anymore.

There's something rad about the letter "y." It's like that amazing pretty girl in your class who has sleeve tattoos and wears cute librarian glasses. You don't really know anything about her but you've heard she's the lead singer of a band that's huge in Germany and she creates car designs for Saab. You know what I mean? No? Go out and find one of those girls. Then you'll understand.


Highbrow Answer: "Edith"
Any way you slice it, "Tiffany" just isn't a highbrow name. Sorry, all you unfortunate ladies out there. Your parents spent all their time watching MTV and getting to third base with each other instead of studying enough to know that Tiffany is a fucking stupid name.

It's names like this that make me wish that some of the old school girls' names would make a comeback. Here's my plan for the future:

Out: Tiffany, Brittany, Ariel, Misty, Brandi, Ashley
In: Edith, Gertrude, Edna, Hortense, Mabel, Millicent