Best Kind of Bicycle?

Lowbrow Answer: BMX
Hey, idiot. I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but you're riding a bike that's way too small for you. You look like some a cartoon character the way your legs are spinning at 900 revolutions per minute. Having pegs on your wheels is only cool when you're ten years old. Cut your hair, stop drinking so much Monster, and quit buying shirts made by skate companies. You look ridiculous.

The only place that these are even any fun is halfpipes and street courses. And I don't know if you've ever been to one of those, but they suck. It's basically a hundred kids standing around in baggy pants and drinking Mountain Dew, watching three kids with actual talent do their tricks over and over again. What the hell's the point? I don't go to Las Vegas to stay in my hotel and read Hardy Boys novels, if you understand what I'm saying.


Middlebrow Answer: Mountain Bike
Okay, I'll admit it's kind of cool that these things have better suspension than the NASA Mars rover. And sure, shredding the side of a mountain is far better than peddling along the sidewalk in whichever whitebred suburban yuppie-ville most people call home. And yes, the thick tires awake memories of watching Monster Trucks when I was a lad. Gravedigger was my favorite. Fuck you if you liked Bigfoot.

The thing I can't stand about mountain bikes is the people who ride them. Every single one of them eats powerbars instead of actual meals, is from Boulder, Denver, or Vail, has had dreadlocks at least once in their lifetime, wears Kavu or Teva sandals to social events as if they were dress shoes, and drives a Subaru Outback or a Nissan Xterra. If at least three of those things apply to you, I know a place where you can get a great string of rope to hang yourself with. I hate nature kids.


Highbrow Answer: Road Bike
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

This sport rules. It's a massive chess match on wheels. At 50 mph. Along picturesque roads in beautiful places like Spain and Italy. I'm getting a sports boner just thinking about it.

Still not convinced? Watch the Tour de France. And I don't mean the highlights. Watch it. The whole thing. They ride for 6 hours a day. They endure horrible weather conditions. They don't get any breaks for meals. And the thing lasts three weeks. It sounds like the first Iraq War.