Most Legit Type of Cancer?

Lowbrow Answer: Lung Cancer
Let me guess. You're a smoker. Nice job. I'm proud of you. Still feel cool and rebellious now that you're getting Chemo treatments once a week? Awesome.

My favorite part about lung cancer is this notion that people didn't know that smoking was bad for you back in the 50's and 60's. Are you kidding? You're inhaling smoke. What, did people not die in fires back then? How can it not be bad for you? It's like playing catch with a chainsaw and being surprised when your hand gets cut off. Dumbasses.


Middlebrow Answer: Breast Cancer
As a lover of both women and their boobs, I'm not up for anything that specifically endangers everyone's favorite female body part. That's some harsh shit, cancer. Couldn't you go after the appendix or the toenails instead? You know, more useless body parts? Breast cancer is like that terrorist who has a choice of any location in America but blows himself up inside the Radiohead tour bus. You BASTARD.

I also can't stand the pink. Pink ribbons, pink t-shirts, pink pins. Baseball teams even use pink bats on Breast Cancer day. Kill me. If blue is the color that subconsciously relaxes me, than pink is the color that subconsciously makes me want to stab out my eyes with a rainbow trout and throw myself off the top of the St. Louis Arch.


Highbrow Answer: Throat Cancer
This shit is horrifying. It fucks up your speech, your ability to eat, and can get into your brain pretty easily. Plus the chemo is terrible because it scorches your face and head. Respect to you if you've got throat cancer. If testicular cancer is the Desert Storm of cancers, than Throat Cancer is the Crusades. And you're the Muslims.

Sigmund Freud died of this, so at least you're in elite company. Near the end of his life, he decided he was sick of pain killers and went off his meds so that he could experience true suffering. And experience it he did. It's say he spent the final three days of his life crying out in unbearable pain. Say it with me now: "HARD. CORE."