Best Mobile Telephone?

Lowbrow Answer: The iPhone
My god, I'm sick of Apple. Everything they put out feels like it was designed by the people at Playskool. Big buttons, bright colors, cute little noises. Am I five years old again? And yeah, we get it, the whole thing is touch-screen. Neato. Awesome. In a world where we can send things into space and we can build fake hearts for people, am I really supposed to be impressed by the fact that I can zoom into pictures by spreading by fingers out? Blow me.

I'm also sick of hearing, "There's an app for that!" Need to find an ATM? There's an app for that! Having trouble wiping your ass? There's an app for that! Tired of having to chew your own food? There's an app for that! I'm tired of seeing people with iPhones wandering around staring down at their little digital Gods and never actually interacting with the world. Is there an app for that? Yeah, it's called an Uzi.


Middlebrow Answer: A Cell Phone
Hey, remember when a cell phone was just a phone? When all you could do was talk on it? When it didn't have cameras, GPS, texting, video games, maps, and youtube on it? Those were the good old days. When a man was a man and phone was a phone. If I wanted a camera, I would have bought a camera. If I need directions, I'll read a map. Cell phones are for people who are smart enough to deal with the world without having their hand held by a small Japanese machine.

Of course, whenever I'm carrying a cell phone, I feel like a sissy. Like if something goes wrong I can't handle it myself. Fuck that. I can handle it myself. If my tire pops, I'll fix it. If I can't find where I'm going, I'll look harder. If I'm going to be late, you'll wait. Because you're proletariat filth and you love me.


Highbrow Answer: A Land Line
"But wait," I can hear some of you saying, "Land Lines aren't mobile!"

Yeah, exactly.

I'm not sure who decided that I should be reachable at all times, but it certainly wasn't me. It's gotten so bad nowadays that if people don't hear back from you within the hour, they flip out. I've even had people get mad at me for turning my phone off.

Human beings have scaled the tallest mountains in the world. We've survived massive earthquakes and we've waged wars that have nearly annihilated the entire planet. We're pretty capable. We don't need to be checked in on every half an hour. If you don't hear from me for a day, that's because I don't want to talk to you. Not because I'm dead or dying or in trouble. Just relax. Christ.