Best Way to Get Skinny?

Lowbrow Answer: Get Liposuction
Let me get this straight. You were lazy, so you got fat. Now you want to be skinny, but you're still lazy. So you hire a surgeon to do it for you. Well done. With that kind of attitude, you'll never have to do anything for yourself ever again. You're the kind of person who buys a pool cue to push the buttons on your television remote control so you don't have to lean forward to grab it off the coffee table. Tubby idiot.

I'm not sure when American Society decided that it was okay to fix all of our problems with elective surgeries, but I'm not okay with it. Where does it all stop? I want to be an Olympic sprinter, can I have small diesel engines implanted in my calves? I'm having trouble satisfying my wife sexually, can you replace my penis with a vibrator? I wish I spoke better Spanish, can we murder a Peruvian orphan and stick his voicebox in my throat?


Middlebrow Answer: Go on a Diet
This does take some discipline, so you get a few points. But there are few things more annoying than a friend who is on a diet. It's like suddenly having a whiny four-year-old child around. All you hear is "I can't eat that," and "Can we go to a different restaurant?" and "Ohmigod, this Snickers is going right to my thighs." Kill me.

I have an idea. Jenny Craig should buy a fleet of helicopters. Any time somebody comes in wanting to lose weight, we fly that person to a remote part of Northern Canada and drop them off with just a map and a hunting knife. By the time they get back home, I guarantee you that they'll be a whole lot skinnier than when we dropped them off. It's perfect. They get thinner and we don't have to be around them when they're cranky and hungry and losing the weight.


Highbrow Answer: Go Running
Let's clarify something here. When I say "running," I don't mean get on a treadmill at your local gym for 25 minutes while you read Elle Magazine and sip from your Evian bottle of water, all while a college-dropout personal trainer named "Lance" offers you words of encouragement.

When I say "running," I mean, get off your ass, go outside, and run for an hour.

"A whole hour?!" I can hear some of you complaining. Yes, a whole hour. People 100 years ago used to wrestle bears and eat rocks. Going to visit a friend was a dangerous three week journey, and smallpox was still something you could catch. You can run for an hour, trust me. Just stop being such a pussy.