Best State Nickname?

Lowbrow Answer: The Land of Enchantment (New Mexico)
Is this a state or a level in World of Warcraft, I can't tell. Who are you trying to impress with this nickname? Six-year-old girls? I wonder who came up with this. Probably the same dude who starting calling Target, "Tar-shay."

The worst part about this nickname is that it has nothing to do with New Mexico. When I hear the word "Enchantment," I think of frothy waterfalls and rich green foliage and unicorns and rivers made of liquid chocolate. I don't think of endless deserts and 100-degree summer days and a high rate of unemployment and rivers with no water in them. Calling New Mexico the "Land of Enchantment" is like referring to your crotch as "The Pleasure Pasture:" it's just not true.


Middlebrow Answer: The Beaver State (Oregon)
Beavers are awesome. While the rest of the animal kingdom is lazing about, munching on leaves sitting in the sun, these little guys are hard at work building stuff. And the best part is that it's stuff that really only benefits themselves. Beaver dams block rivers and ruin fishing grounds, but who cares. We're beavers. You got a problem, fill out a complaint and stick it up your ass. We've got work to do.

Of course, you won't be able to say this one without inducing snickers from any ex-frat boy in the room. I don't get it. Why are vaginas called beavers? I mean, sure, they're little and fuzzy, but so are a lot of mammals. And as far as I know, vaginas don't build dams or have weird leathery tails. So what gives? I guess both things do eat wood...


Highbrow Answer: The Last Frontier (Alaska)
Alaska is money. Crazy beautiful scenery and wildlife combined with arctic temperatures and winter days with four hours of sunlight. Basically, if you live there, you have the aesthetic of a painter but the hands of a carpenter. Awesome. Alaska is for people who should have grown up in 1840 when life was hard, winters were freeezing, and you didn't always get what you want.

"The Last Frontier" sounds either like a John Wayne movie or a Banksy installation piece. Either way, it's badass. The frontier is super highbrow. You're living off the land, you're growing or killing your own food, and you're building your own shelter, and if you don't do it well, you die. I wonder if we could get congress to pass a law like that: "If you don't do anything well, you die."