Best Dinosaur?

Lowbrow Answer: Stegosaurus
Look at you. Your brain is the size of a walnut, you waddle around like an invalid octogenarian, and you're really only alive to feed the raptors. You're a three-ton piece of chicken with legs. I wonder what you'd taste like if we marinated you in Italian dressing.

I'll admit that I like the paleolithic punk look that you're rocking with that mohawk, but come on. You're alive at a time when Tyrannosaurs, Raptors, and all kinds of other vicious, crazy beasts are alive and the best defense you can muster is to dress yourself like the lead singer of Rancid? I can see why you're extinct.


Middlebrow Answer: Tyrannosaurus Rex
You wander around the earth, eating anything you want, fearing nothing, and munching on Jurassic Park Jeeps. You're also 25 feet tall and can run as fast as 25 mph. Not a bad gig. If a T-Rex ran for president, I'd vote for it. At least it could get the U.S. out the Middle East; just drop it in there with a few of its buddies and I bet the people there would stop worrying about reclaiming the Gaza Strip and start worrying about getting eaten by a dinosaur. Problem solved.

The shitty thing about being a T-Rex is that you have no arms. I mean, yes, you have them, but you have arms the same way that Britney Spears has talent. Arms are important. Without them, you can't write mathematical equations, compose classical music, conduct an orchestra, perform heart surgery, move chess pieces, and all kinds of other highbrow things. It's a shame. No wonder we don't have any famous T-Rex Nobel Prize winners.


Highbrow Answer: Iguanodon
He's one of the first dinosaurs, so he immediately earns points for originality. When the rest of the world was wondering around in swamps and oceans, this dude decided it was time for some dry land and some fresh-cut flora. What a modern fella. They should give him his own show on Bravo: "Late Cretaceous Eye for the Straight Guy." Kathy Griffin can co-host.

And have you seen his thumbs? They are little spiked pieces of bone, used as weapons to fight off predators and to crack open fruit and nuts. So, basically, Iguanodons are tool-using, knife-fighting prehistoric badasses that can hitch-hike with ease. Awesome.