Best Weapon in Mario Kart?

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Lowbrow Answer: Star
You're faster, you're invincible, and you're in technicolor. I guess that's what you get for eating a celestial body. Although, using a star takes no skill whatsoever. You just run into everything and hope it goes well. Kinda like a drunken shark in a school of Salmon or the U.S. Army in The Middle East.

The worst part about stars is the music that comes on when you get one. Listen to it here. It's the kind of song you hear in a cheap Brazilian discotheque in 1984 or in the background of a commercial for a used car dealership. I can just see some dude with a mullet and a plaid jacket trying to sell me a '79 Buick with that music playing over the showroom speakers.


Middlebrow Answer: Banana
We're driving race cars and you're throwing bananas? Are you serious? That's like tossing a pickled ham at The Statue of Liberty and hoping it falls over. Ain't gonna happen. I'm not opposed to using fruit as a weapon, but you can do better than a banana. How about a pineapple? At least that shit has spikes all over it.

I do have to appreciate the simplicity of the banana. Using an everyday household item as a weapon is pretty awesome. They should stick with that theme in the next Mario Kart game. You could throw blenders and bed sheets and vacuum cleaners at each other. Maybe you'd get special bonuses for using unmentionables, like vibrators or condoms. I can just see the Princess tossing a pair of used panties at Donkey Kong. Hot.


Highbrow Answer: Green Shell
Let's say you meet two men. The first tells you that one time, he killed a man with a hunting knife and a .44 Magnum. The second tells you that he killed a man with a stuffed rabbit and a stick of butter. Now. Who are you more impressed with?

Exactly. The second man.

Hitting another driver with a green shell is nearly impossible. Your aim has to be perfect and you need to have some idea about rapid-motion physics. The best part about the shell is that, if you think about it, you're throwing around the dead body of a koopa troopa. Koopa Troopa, by the way, is actually a character in the game. That shit's twisted. Imagine fighting the Revolutionary War by stuffing dead British troops into our cannons. Dark, but highbrow.