Best Last Name Option for a Newlywed Girl?

Lowbrow Answer: Hyphenate it
I don't understand why women are so proud of choosing this option. You're basically celebrating indecision. I'm not totally sure why this is even allowed. For ANYBODY. We don't let you attend two colleges if you get into both. You don't get to have two girlfriends. (Unless you're in Utah) Just pick something and stick with it. Enough of the waffling. I'm sick of waffles. Pancakes are better anyway.

Whoever invented this as a viable thing for a woman to do was a moron. You know how hard it is to deal with inputting a hyphen into your SAT's? Or your email account? You're just screwing any children you have. Plus, you have to wonder where it all stops. What if two people with hyphenated last names get married? What if their offspring marry somebody with a hyphenate? We'll end up with a nation of people with names like Stephanie Denmar-Smith-Hawkins-Berry-Shultz-Walido-Umberland-Johnstonite-Pellingson. Nobody wants that.


Middlebrow Answer: Take his Name
There is something awesomely old school about taking your husband's name. It's a pretty amazing gesture, for one thing, and you get to be called "The Jonses" or "The Washburns" or whatever your name is for another. As long as it's your choice to do it, then radical. I mean, come on. You get to change your last name! Cool! That's serious stuff. Kinda like getting a tattoo or having AIDS.

The downside here is what if your husband has a dickface last name. What if right now, you're "Audrey Peters," and after the wedding you become, "Audrey Swallows" or "Audrey Munkeefagina." There's too big a risk. Do you really want to introduce yourself as "Mrs. Stankassington" for the rest of your life? No. No, you don't.


Highbrow Answer: Keep your Name
Newsflash. This the 21st century. Blacks and women can vote. Gays can get married in some places. We can land people on the moon and we can send them to the bottom of the ocean. Enough of this bullshit white male tyrannical patriarchy. You like your own last name? Great. Keep it. If your husband doesn't like it, he can go fuck himself. If we still adhered to the teachings of 17th century America, we'd have slaves, die at 38, all raise corn and chickens, and spend three days of the week at church. Fuck that.

Some women worry that if you keep your own name, people will wonder if you're actually married, or even worse, people will worry that your children's parents are unwed. What?! Your parents aren't married!? Oh my god! No! Call the police! Are we really still worried about this? With an unending war in the Middle East, a massive economic crisis, and nuclear weapons proliferation all over the world, two parents having the same last name is something we're worried about? Man, we need to relax.