Best Part of a Wedding?

Lowbrow Answer: Removing the Garter Belt

Look, I know you're excited about getting married, but do I really need to see you reach your hands in your wife's crotch in front of everyone you know? I feel like I'm on the set of a Jenna Jameson movie. Your 93-year-old Grandma Ethel is watching, for Christ's sake. Keep your mitts out of the cookie jar until the honeymoon.

And I thought the point of marrying a girl was that you don't have to share her with anybody anymore. Why would I pull off her garter belt and then give it to some jackass at the wedding? I have plans for that garter belt. I'm going to wear it around my penis during sex or make my wife eat it or some other weird thing I can think of now that I'm married and she has to do what I say.

Middlebrow Answer: The Toasts

Wedding toasts are tricky business. The good ones will make you cry and laugh and hug people at your table that you've never even met. The bad ones will make you want to stab yourself in the chest with a ballpoint pen. Here are some quick tips to help you avoid making an ass of yourself:

DO: Be honest and speak from your heart.

DON'T: Be too gay, though.

DO: Make fun of the Bride's father.

DON'T: Make fun of the Bride's Autistic dead grandmother.

DO: Talk about the couple's first date.

DON'T: Talk about your traumatic relationship with and subsequent retraining order on Lars, that creepy guy you met at the gym.

Highbrow Answer: The After-After-After Party

You know that little gathering that happens after the reception? The one where all the old people have gone home and it's just the young people drinking and dancing in the hall? Okay, well you know the little party that happens after that gathering? The one where the lame young people have gone to bed and it's just the cool kids hanging out in some dive bar in town? Okay, well you know the super small chillout session that happens after that? The one where it's just you and a bridesmaid in a hotel room watching cable and making out? THAT party is fucking awesome.

Weddings are great because everybody you meet has been pre-approved by the bride or the groom. There are no rejects in the crowd like at every other bar/restaurant/party/club/bullfight that you go to. Meet a cute girl? Go for it. She's the bride's best friend - there's no way she has AIDS or Herpes or an axe-murdering Slavic ex-boyfriend. So take her to your own little after-after-after party and walk down her aisle.

Best Last Name Option for a Newlywed Girl?

Lowbrow Answer: Hyphenate it
I don't understand why women are so proud of choosing this option. You're basically celebrating indecision. I'm not totally sure why this is even allowed. For ANYBODY. We don't let you attend two colleges if you get into both. You don't get to have two girlfriends. (Unless you're in Utah) Just pick something and stick with it. Enough of the waffling. I'm sick of waffles. Pancakes are better anyway.

Whoever invented this as a viable thing for a woman to do was a moron. You know how hard it is to deal with inputting a hyphen into your SAT's? Or your email account? You're just screwing any children you have. Plus, you have to wonder where it all stops. What if two people with hyphenated last names get married? What if their offspring marry somebody with a hyphenate? We'll end up with a nation of people with names like Stephanie Denmar-Smith-Hawkins-Berry-Shultz-Walido-Umberland-Johnstonite-Pellingson. Nobody wants that.


Middlebrow Answer: Take his Name
There is something awesomely old school about taking your husband's name. It's a pretty amazing gesture, for one thing, and you get to be called "The Jonses" or "The Washburns" or whatever your name is for another. As long as it's your choice to do it, then radical. I mean, come on. You get to change your last name! Cool! That's serious stuff. Kinda like getting a tattoo or having AIDS.

The downside here is what if your husband has a dickface last name. What if right now, you're "Audrey Peters," and after the wedding you become, "Audrey Swallows" or "Audrey Munkeefagina." There's too big a risk. Do you really want to introduce yourself as "Mrs. Stankassington" for the rest of your life? No. No, you don't.


Highbrow Answer: Keep your Name
Newsflash. This the 21st century. Blacks and women can vote. Gays can get married in some places. We can land people on the moon and we can send them to the bottom of the ocean. Enough of this bullshit white male tyrannical patriarchy. You like your own last name? Great. Keep it. If your husband doesn't like it, he can go fuck himself. If we still adhered to the teachings of 17th century America, we'd have slaves, die at 38, all raise corn and chickens, and spend three days of the week at church. Fuck that.

Some women worry that if you keep your own name, people will wonder if you're actually married, or even worse, people will worry that your children's parents are unwed. What?! Your parents aren't married!? Oh my god! No! Call the police! Are we really still worried about this? With an unending war in the Middle East, a massive economic crisis, and nuclear weapons proliferation all over the world, two parents having the same last name is something we're worried about? Man, we need to relax.