Best Person that I'm in Vegas with right now?

Lowbrow Answer: Summer and Lore
Since we arrived in Vegas, these two have attended a Kings of Leon concert, each eaten three plates worth of buffet food, and won a total of seven dollars in video slots. Low. Brow. They're only a few steps away from hopping onto the Peppermint Rhino slut bus and whisking off to a life of champagne, expensive jewelry, and having sex with men for money. Hussies.

And my god, could they be any more annoying? Summer's sleepy. Lore's hot. Summer's hungry. Lore's afraid of fish. Summer's hungover. Lore can't figure out how to get the dirt off of her feet. Jeez, guys. I feel like I'm taking care of the Muppet Babies.


Middlebrow Answer: Tommy
Even though he looks like a balding idiot, Tommy is actually pretty smart. Kind of like how you'd never expect a hippo to be able to run 60 mph. (They can.) He's here in Vegas to build dinosaur skeletons and hang fossils on the wall. As we speak, he's sorting rib bones from a Titanothere. Money. Tommy's kind of like a male porn-star: he's pretty average looking on the surface, but look beneath and it's more impressive than you'd suspect.

On the other hand, look at him. He's worn the same belt every day for the last eight years, he bought his first suit at the age of 25, and his beard makes him look like a pedophile from Missouri. And he still wears skate shoes. Really, Tommy? You skateboard often? You shred the rails? You buddies with Bob Burnquist? Take off your Etnies and put on some loafers. Jackass.


Highbrow Answer: Makoto, Alex, and Ben
Check these dudes. That's a mammoth they're building. A MAMMOTH. You couldn't even put together your Lego Eiffel Tower and these guys are constructing a prehistoric elephant. No wonder you're sitting at home playing fantasy football while these three work in the Guggenheim Gallery at The Venetian.

All three of these legends spend their lives working with fossils and dinosaur bones, because they know that dealing with living things is a hassle. They dig dinosaurs out of the ground in South Dakota and then refurbish the skeletons and help sell them at high-end auctions. The only auction you've ever seen is when you sold your copy of Mario Kart on Ebay. I rest my case.