Best Republican Candidate for 2012?

Lowbrow Answer: Rick Perry/Mitt Romney/Newt Gingrich/Herman Cain/Michelle Bachmann/Rick Santorum/Ron Paul
Add two more lunatics to this list and we could field an idiot softball team. Where are the Republicans getting these people? Are they just trolling Wal-Mart parking lots, offering yocals candy if they'll come to the White House? I understand that, by nature, conservatives are a little backwards, but is this really the best we can do? I would elect most of the Muppets and all of the Teletubbies before any one of these candidates.

My border fence is bigger than your border fence.

This year's class of Republicans is proof that "crazy" is contagious. Have you seen the debates? It's like watching a group of puppies all trying to catch their own tail at once. They should just throw all the candidates into a cage match and give the last one standing the nomination. I bet it would be Bachmann: lunacy that strong is unstoppable.

Middlebrow Answer: Jon Huntsman
Okay, sure. He's a Mormon. Which means he's racist, homophobic, and overzealous. But this is the Republican party. Everyone is racist, homophobic, and overzealous. You have to punch an agnostic black lesbian just to get your membership card. At least Huntsman is intelligent. He believes in evolution and global warming. He graduated from an Ivy League university. He thinks chemistry and biology are "sciences" and not "magic."

If you're Mormon and you know it, clap your hands

Huntsman also speaks fluent Chinese and has adopted children from both China and India. Which means he realizes that there are countries outside of North America. That's a big step for a Republican candidate. Most of them think China and India are made-up fantasy lands, like Narnia or Djibouti.

Highbrow Answer: An Emperor Penguin
He's classy. He's regal. He's wearing a tuxedo. Right away, he's already a better option than most Republican candidates. Not to mention the fact that he's not a backwoods redneck, he doesn't think Jesus makes the sun come up every morning, and he doesn't own a house in Texas called "Niggerhead Ranch." I'd vote for him, and I'm a democrat.

Read. My. Lips. No. New. Taxes.

At this point, the Republican party has gotten so bad that I'd just be happy to have somebody who won't start World War III. Sure, an Emperor Penguin doesn't speak English and has no opposable thumbs, but at least he won't embarrass our country by doing something stupid like bombing Iraq or choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate.

Best Use of Animals in Warfare?

Lowbrow Answer: Carrier Pigeons
Let me get this straight. You have a vital message to send to your commanding officer, and you attach it to a pigeon? Seriously? Do you want to lose the war? Are you trying to get shot and killed? You're taking the future of your entire country and strapping it to the back of what is essentially a rat with wings? Boy. No wonder they don't let you near the grenades.

Email, circa 1940

In order to take down carrier pigeons before they could deliver their messages, many platoons bred and trained hawks to hunt and kill the winged couriers. Hey, guys. Here's an idea. Why not attach the message to the hawk. Or better yet, attach it to a raptor. I guarantee it'll get through then. I don't care how many panzer tanks you have - those things can open doors with their claws.


Middlebrow Answer: War Elephants
Yes, these are real. And yes, I'm getting one. I bet my upstairs neighbor will stop complaining about my music after I trample his living room and ram a tusk through his Beagle. The most famous war elephants belonged to Hannibal, who used them in the Second Punic War to cross the Alps. (Consequently, Hannibal died shortly after the crossing of being way too awesome.)

Excuse me while I shit myself

But how the hell do you take care of these things out on the warpath? They drink, like, 839 gallons of water a day. Their poop is the size of a Buick. Are you lugging around truckloads of peanuts to feed them? What if they accidentally step on some of your troops? What if one of them has really big ears and wears a little yellow hat and a neck ruffle and what if he learns to fly and gives away your position?


Highbrow Answer: Bombardier Bats
No, I'm not making this up. The Americans came up with it during World War II. The idea is simple. You strap small bombs to a bunch of bats. You then release those bats over an enemy city at dawn. As the sun comes up, the bats retreat into houses and buildings to sleep during the day. At which point, you ignite the bombs and start fires all over the city. Oh god, this is so awesome. Fuck you, 7th grade bullies - history IS cool.

So cuddly and destructive

Can we just go ahead and agree that bats are the coolest animals ever? They blow up buildings, they can see in the dark, they sleep upside down, they're the only mammals that can fly (and not just glide), and they can get as big as 4 feet across. You heard me: four fucking feet. Imagine that flying at you. I mean, come on. Bats are so awesome that even their poop is worth money. Suck it, penguins.