Best Form of Renewable Energy?

Lowbrow Answer: Solar
How have we not figured this one out yet? Didn't every single calculator in 1989 run on solar power? And now, twenty years later, we're still trying to make it work for other stuff? Man, we're idiots. At this rate, we'll never figure out a way to solve world hunger or finally cure Butt Acne.

I also have to say that the sun kinda sucks. I like going to the beach as much as the next guy, but am I supposed to be excited about a massive nuclear reactor millions of miles away that's trying to melt my skin off? Generally, I try to avoid huge balls of burning gas, not get closer to them. The sun is the bimbo female reality TV star of the universe: shiny, annoying, way too tan, and full of hot air.


Middlebrow Answer: Wind
Have you ever seen a wind turbine? They're awesome. They look like the propellers from old-school Zeppelins. They also make this cool whizzing sound when they're turning. It makes you feel like you're walking at 56 mph when you're near one.

Wind, however, is sort of inconsistent. It's on, it's off. It's hot, it's cold. Some days I go outside to fly my Spongebob kite and I get nothing. Others, I want to wear my hair up and I can't because a hurricane is wrecking it. The wind is basically everybody's ex: somedays you like her, some days you don't. Either way, you often end up getting a blowjob. (Get it? Blow job? Like, the wind blowing? I can't beleive Saturday Night Live hasn't contacted me yet with jokes like that.)


Highbrow Answer: Water
The latest technology with water power is tapping into the energy of ocean currents. I know this because I have a cousin in Maine who's working on it. So. To summarize. We're going to stick turbines underwater (awesome) in places like the North Atlantic (bad ass) and the Bering Straight (hardcore) to harness some of the strongest currents on earth (intense), and the people designing this procedure live in upstate Maine (besty.) Need I say more?

Large bodies of water are, in general, fucking cool. Oceans, rivers, lakes, whatever. They all give me an intellectual boner. They sit there, placid and wonderful, just waiting for us to swim, boat, and fish in them, while underneath, they are some of the strongest forces on earth. It's like hopping into bed with Rogue from the X-Men; She may look beautiful, but if you aren't careful, she'll rip your arms off.