Best Deadly Sin?

Lowbrow Answer: Gluttony
God is basically saying that obese people are going to hell. They could be the nicest people on the face of the earth, but they'll be burning in an eternal inferno once they die from Diabetes or heart failure. Better lay off the donuts, fatty, or you'll be stuck spending eternity with Hitler, Judas, and Scar from the Lion King.

The worst part about this sin is that it doesn't just apply to food. It's basically taking too much of ANYTHING. So if I overindulge and read too much Kafka or Beckett, I'm a sinner? What if I give too much money to charity or do too well in a marathon? What a stupid sin.


Middlebrow Answer: Lust
I don't care what the Christian Right says, sex is great. Wonderful even. It's biology. If we weren't supposed to be craving it, then it wouldn't feel so good. If God were serious about mankind not boning so much, then he would have made the act itself feel like putting your hand in a fire or listening to a Britney Spears album all the way through.

If wanting to bone hot chicks is a sin, then God's an idiot. He's the one who supposedly made them so beautiful, shouldn't he understand if I'm walking around with a hard-on? If the inventor of the Bazooka loans me one and I accidentally blow up a Wendy's, how can he be mad? What the hell did he think was going to happen?


Highbrow Answer: Wrath
Nothing tastes better than vengeance. Wrath is highbrow because it's so open-ended. There's no clear path for this one, you just have to do something that counts as revenge. So, for example, if my roommate Dave poops on the floor of my bathroom in the middle of the night and I retaliate by taking a dump in his water bottle, then I get to tell everyone in hell that I'm there for pooping in a water bottle. Awesome.

Wrath also just sounds scary. Say it out loud. You feel like you're delivering some unholy war cry. It belongs in that collection of words that are terrifying even if you don't know their meaning, along with "Jihad," "Schadenfreude," and "arugula." Yeah, I know that last one is lettuce, but it sounds like some scary spider from The Odyssey.