Best Wheeled Footwear?

Lowbrow Answer: Heelies
My god, these are horrible. As if children aren't already annoying enough, now they zip around on their heels like a swarm of yellow jackets. I need a 5-f00t long fly swatter every time I go to the mall. You never know if a kid is wearing them until he takes off along the marble at 63 mph. I don't like surprises. I think it's because of when that stripper suffocated inside the cake while waiting to pop out at my 21st birthday party.

The good thing about heelies is how bad they are for you. Kids are always crashing into shit or catching a stone and falling flat on their faces. Pediatricians have also concluded that spending hours on your heels during your formative years fucks up the growth of your leg muscles. Great. Just what we need. We're already a nation of Evangelical, Obese, gun-toting, gay-hating, xenophobic morons; now we'll have an entire generation of adults that walk like drunken llamas.


Middlebrow Answer: Rollerblades
They're sleek, they're fast, and you can cut nice edges. Plus you can pull some of the wheels out and grind on things like railings, ledges, tabletops, and small dogs. You also get to experience the joy of hearing the following joke directed at you every single time you go out:

"What's the hardest part about rollerblading?"
"Telling your parents that you're gay."

Who wears rollerblades, I can hear some of you asking. Good question. The answer is hockey players. And what do we know about hockey players? That's right! They're homophobic muscle-heads who are all way too old for their grade and who hate rainbows just on principal. Fuck that. I like rainbows. Stupid fucking hockey players.


Highbrow Answer: Quad Skates
I know what you're thinking. And you're wrong. Quad skates are fucking awesome. They're only really used in two specific ways: Jam Skating and Roller Derby, which are both rad. Let's take a look:

Jam Skating: This is combination of dancing and skating produces some pretty cool shit. Why aren't we combining more activities in our daily lives? How about movie-watching with foot-massaging. Or nachos-eating and blowjob-getting.

Roller Derby: Bad ass girls on skates, beating the shit out of each other while travelling at high velocity. Need I say more? The only thing that would make this sport better is if each team had a supply of feral cats that they were allowed to throw at the opposition during bouts.