Best Length for a Woman's Skirt?

Lowbrow Answer: To the Thigh
Trust me, I love vagina's as much as the next guy. Maybe even more so. But I don't need to see them while I'm eating an omelet at Denny's or arguing with the mechanic about why my muffler is suddenly dragging on the ground. There's a time and a place, my love, and that time is not during physics class and that place is not at my grandmother's funeral.

I inherently distrust any piece of clothing that uses less fabric than a scarf. Plus, what's the point of putting in a bunch of work so that a girl will let you see her cash and prizes if she's showing them to everybody every time she goes out to a club. The whole idea of having a girlfriend is that I don't have to share. I didn't buy a flatscreen TV so that all my neighbors could come over and watch it, ya know what I mean?


Middlebrow Answer: To the Ankle
There are few things more elegant than a woman in an evening gown. Makes you feel like we're back in the 1920's, when men wore badass suits everywhere and women didn't look like tramps all the time. We should go back to that era. We could all learn to dance to big band music, Coney Island would be the happiest place on earth, and I could finally change my name to Phinneus without fear of reprisal from my lacrosse-playing fratboy classmates.

That being said, ankle-length has its problems. Why grow a rose to keep it in a cupboard? We're not Amish; we won't pass out or be overtaken by the devil if we see a little calf muscle. Plus, it's got to be hot under there. Nobody wants the equivalent of a sheet wrapped around their legs in the middle of July. Nobody who isn't living in the Arctic, anyway.


Highbrow Answer: To the Knee
This is the shit. Not too hot, not too cold. A knee-length skirt is like good soft-core porn; we get to see some nice sex but we avoid the weird hardcore stuff where people are trying to shove vegetables into each other's buttholes or all the women are dressed like slutty Russian Field Mice.

People today have forgotten the joy of mystery. The pleasure of not knowing. A knee-length skirt lets your imagination run wild. Maybe your lady friend has endargered Peruvian goldfish hidden in her crotch. Maybe she's growing sweet potatoes. You'll never know until you get up there. It's an Agatha Christie novel: "Murder in a Knee-Length Skirt on the Orient Express."