Best Way to Smoke Tobacco?

Lowbrow Answer: Cigarettes
Okay, you've made the decision to start smoking. Good for you. Nice work. So you wander up to a convenience store looking to sample the goods. And what's on offer? Hundreds of little white boxes with names like Marlboro, Newport, Benson & Hedges, and Salem. Can somebody tell me why cigarette brands all sound like private schools in New England?

The lamest part about brand-name cigarettes is that they all have filters. Look, I'm all for self-destruction, but if you're going to do it, don't be a pussy. Filters are like wearing a helmet before you shoot yourself in the head or wearing a turtleneck on the day you decide to hang yourself. Don't smoke "lites" and don't use a filter. Ass.


Middlebrow Answer: Roll-Ups
There's something inherently satisfying about building something with your own two hands. Kinda like how sex is always better with a girl that you pick up at a bar than it is with a prostitute or how a band is always awesome if you know the lead singer personally. Roll-ups are a celebration of man and all our opposable thumb glory. Just think; you get to bend over like some sort of 17th century craftsman every time you want a smoke. Coool.

Roll-ups are huge in Europe, and if I've learned anything from my degree in Geography, it's that Europe is the mecca of all things Rad. I mean, come on. They gave us democracy, the romance languages, Monet, Bach, soccer, chess, Radiohead, Guinness, and blowjobs. I'm not really inclined to disagree with anything they say. If they suddenly decide that pooping in your pants is cool, then tomorrow I'm buying some adult diapers.


Highbrow Answer: A Pipe
This is a real man's game. Nothing makes you feel more like your dad than smoking a pipe. You feel like a father in the 1950's, raising two and a half children and calling your wife, "Wife." You grab your smoking jacket, a copy of La Comédie humaine, and your pipe and you're all set for an evening of rest and relaxation and man-time.

A pipe allows you the pleasure of packing your own tobacco, but eliminates the mess and aesthetic misfortune of a roll-up. The beauty of pipes is that they can basically be made of anything. Wood, glass, stone, ivory, ancient relics, mummified fish, the petrified remains of Joseph Stalin; you name it and I can make you a pipe out of it. And I think I speak for all of us when I say that smoking tobacco through Stalin's remains is the very definition of highbrow.