Best Kind of Doctorate?

Lowbrow Answer: D.D.S. (Doctor of Dental Surgery)
Let me get this straight. You're spending years of your youth and thousands of dollars so that you can spend the majority of your adult life with your hands in other people's mouths? Are you insane? Did somebody drop you on your face when you were little?

Dentists, by the way, have one of the highest suicide rates of any job. I can see why. Nobody likes coming to see you, you're probably in debt, you spend your days smelling half-digested food, and you have to cut into people's gums to perform surgery. I'm sorry, but that's the grossest thing I've ever heard. I'd rather help remove somebody's colon than cut into a set of gums.


Middlebrow Answer: J.D. (Juris Doctor)
Lawyers blow. All of them. I don't care if you're one of those "good" ones that's helping to save the environment; you blow. You're helping to prop up a system that is so corrupt and convoluted that it does more to hurt American than to help it. Being a lawyer is like being the "nice guy" in your chapter of the KKK; no matter how great you are, you're still a racist prick.

The only thing that impresses me about this occupation is how much information is stored in your brain. Good lawyers can hear somebody say something in a trial and immediately reference some landmark decision in a case from 127 years ago. I wish I had that kind of recall. I could use it with women: "I'm sorry, Sarah, but fourteen years ago you told your best friend that you WERE, in fact, interested in trying a threesome."


Highbrow Answer: Ph.D. (Doctor of Philosophy)
There are few things more highbrow than studying just to study. Especially when, at the end of all that studying, you get to wear a crazy-looking robe and silly hat. My goal in life is to get a Ph.D. just so I can walk around in Los Angeles with a graduate robe. Maybe then those bastards at Arby's will take me seriously.

The greatest thing about Ph.D.'s is how specific they often are. Sure, your diploma says, "Math" or "English Literature," but your actual field of expertise is way more focused than that. You might be the world's preeminent mind on 16th century equine behavior or the history of the ham and cheese sandwich. Either way, you're useless to society and that makes you totally awesome.