Best Activity Behind a Boat?

Lowbrow Answer: Wakeboarding
Ever since somebody invented surfing, lame middle-class white kids have tried to translate it to other sports: skateboarding, wakeboarding, snowboarding, whatever. Hey, jackass. Nobody thinks you look cool except your mom, and she sucks. Pull up your pants, take off that Hurley hat, and burn your Quicksilver board shorts. Dumbass.

The worse part about these douchebags is that they roam in packs. You never see one dude wakeboarding; you see eight of them hanging out of some expensive boat that one of their fathers bought for them. They're all drunk, they're all covered in muscles, and they're blasting Nickelback from their speakers. Boatfulls of wakeboarders makes me wish that bazookas and murder weren't so illegal.


Middlebrow Answer: Tubing
If you do this right, it's hardcore. You're shooting across the top of choppy lake water at 35 miles per hour holding on for dear life as the driver whips you around into the waves of a party barge. If you fall off, you skid across the water as every orifice in your body is filled with liquid. I imagine the experience is something like being a sperm. The whole thing isn't not fun in any way, which immediately raises it above lowbrow.

Of course, you aren't really doing much here. Sure, there's balance and coordination, but everything from petting a dog to playing with yourself requires that. I'm not impressed. Plus, let's be honest. You're basically riding on a giant inflatable donut. And while donuts are decidedly tasty, they are decidedly not highbrow.


Highbrow Answer: Waterskiing
Ever heard the expression, "Like a hot knife through butter?" Waterskiing is basically the real-life version of that. You're on one ski (if you're any good) and you slice through the water at upwards of 45 mph. If there were a high school just for assassins and ninjas, the most competitive sport would be waterskiing.

Good waterskiing doesn't mean that you fly through the air upside down or that you grind anything; it means your form is good and your turns are precise. It's not really the kind of thing you'll see on the X-Games. Although, if I've learned anything from my time on this earth, it's that avoiding ANYTHING that you see at the X-Games is probably a good idea.