Best Vacation Accomodation?

Lowbrow Answer: A Bed-and-Breakfast
Do I really want to leave my house and go on vacation so that I can travel away to... somebody else's house? I'm trying to avoid sitting in a living room and watching television while surrounded by weird family portraits and Hummel figurines, not get closer to it. This is supposed to be a vacation, not a visit to my grandparents.

And what's with the food? Nice old Mrs. Jenkins and her husband are sweet, but her eggs are soggy and his coffee tastes like shit. People who argue that home-cooked meals are the best are idiots. Home-cooked meals blow. I'm on vacation, it's time to spoil myself. I'm going to Applebee's.


Middlebrow Answer: A Hotel
There are too many people running around in hotels. Little kids peeing in the pool, middle-aged women with fake breasts and fake lips using the gym, ex-frat boys yelling at the football game in the downstairs bar. I feel like I'm suddenly in a college dorm at a school that I hate.

The worst part about staying in a hotel is that there's always some sort of reunion or convention going on. And have you ever noticed that only lame people attend those things? I don't want to come back from a night out to find the International Poodle Fanciers or the American Philatelic Society having drinks in my lobby.


Highbrow Answer: A Motel
I have one word for you: anonymity. No walking past the front desk every time you come home. No huge groups of people everywhere you go. Want to have a romantic tryst with a lover? Go to a motel. Need somewhere to come back to after committing a crime? Go to a motel. Motels are sterile and uncomfortable and don't feel at all like your house. But isn't that the point of a vacation? I don't go to a hooker looking for sex that feels exactly like it does with my wife.

Motels also offer that mystical connection to the road. That American, Kerouac love of traveling on highways. You pull your car in, hop in the bed, and off you go the next morning. Motels always have that flat, caffeine light that makes you feel totally epic about your trip, even if you're only going up the coast a ways to take your cat to a special veterinarian.