Best Form of Renewable Energy?

Lowbrow Answer: Solar
How have we not figured this one out yet? Didn't every single calculator in 1989 run on solar power? And now, twenty years later, we're still trying to make it work for other stuff? Man, we're idiots. At this rate, we'll never figure out a way to solve world hunger or finally cure Butt Acne.

I also have to say that the sun kinda sucks. I like going to the beach as much as the next guy, but am I supposed to be excited about a massive nuclear reactor millions of miles away that's trying to melt my skin off? Generally, I try to avoid huge balls of burning gas, not get closer to them. The sun is the bimbo female reality TV star of the universe: shiny, annoying, way too tan, and full of hot air.


Middlebrow Answer: Wind
Have you ever seen a wind turbine? They're awesome. They look like the propellers from old-school Zeppelins. They also make this cool whizzing sound when they're turning. It makes you feel like you're walking at 56 mph when you're near one.

Wind, however, is sort of inconsistent. It's on, it's off. It's hot, it's cold. Some days I go outside to fly my Spongebob kite and I get nothing. Others, I want to wear my hair up and I can't because a hurricane is wrecking it. The wind is basically everybody's ex: somedays you like her, some days you don't. Either way, you often end up getting a blowjob. (Get it? Blow job? Like, the wind blowing? I can't beleive Saturday Night Live hasn't contacted me yet with jokes like that.)


Highbrow Answer: Water
The latest technology with water power is tapping into the energy of ocean currents. I know this because I have a cousin in Maine who's working on it. So. To summarize. We're going to stick turbines underwater (awesome) in places like the North Atlantic (bad ass) and the Bering Straight (hardcore) to harness some of the strongest currents on earth (intense), and the people designing this procedure live in upstate Maine (besty.) Need I say more?

Large bodies of water are, in general, fucking cool. Oceans, rivers, lakes, whatever. They all give me an intellectual boner. They sit there, placid and wonderful, just waiting for us to swim, boat, and fish in them, while underneath, they are some of the strongest forces on earth. It's like hopping into bed with Rogue from the X-Men; She may look beautiful, but if you aren't careful, she'll rip your arms off.

Best Female X-Man?

Like X-Men? Check out the male version of this post here.

Lowbrow Answer: Jubilee
Jubilee's super powers blow. She basically shoots fireworks from her hands. I could get the same effect by sticking Roman candles in my sleeves. Waa-hoo. What a hero. Jubilee's full name is Jubilation Lee, which to me sounds like a Southern rock band. I can just picture them opening for Lynryd Skynyrd in 1975.

The most annoying thing about Jubilee is what a brat she is. You're a super hero. People depend on you. You can't get upset every time you hair's a mess or your pants are wrinkled. Sabretooth is bashing Wolverine with a telephone pole and you're crying because your jacket got stained at dinner. No wonder they left you out of the movies. Whiny bitch.


Middlebrow Answer: Storm
You can't really argue with somebody who can control the weather. Just imagine it. Having an outdoor wedding and need some sunshine? Done. Want to go sledding? Done. Want to use a tornado to wipe out your ex-boyfriend and his new lady? Done. You're basically God in hot, Egpytian girl form.

Storm does get on my nerves though. She always talks like she's performing in a community theatre version of Macbeth: "Winds! I command you to do my bidding!" It's like, yeah, Storm, we can see that. Just shut up and do it already. Also, am I wrong in thinking that nearly every problem the X-Men face could be solved in one fell swoop by Storm? She CONTROLS THE WEATHER for christ's sake. She should get off her ass and help out a bit more.


Highbrow Answer: Kitty Pryde
She's verile, she's hot, and she isn't annoying. What more do you want? Kitty Pryde's mutant power is called "phasing," which basically means that she can make her body or objects with which she is in contact intangible. Umm, awesome. I want to start dating her so that we can sneak around together and steal things from people we don't like.

Kitty Pryde's place as a cultural icon cannot be underestimated. She was played by Ellen Page in the movie, which is radical. She's also immortalized in the Weezer song, "In the Garage." And we're not talking about the "Beverly Hills," lame-ass douchebag version of Weezer. We're talking about the epically awesome, Blue Album version of Weezer. Oh, Rivers Cuomo, where did it all go wrong?

Best Bodily Fluid?

Lowbrow Answer: Throw-Up
I'm sorry, but I'm not calling it "vomit." Just hearing it called that makes me want to throw up. There are three times in people's lives when this stuff comes up: when you're drunk, when you're sick, and when you're Bulimic. So let me address each.

Drunk: What are you, a freshman at Florida State? If you can't keep it down, then don't drink. Frat boy jerk-off.

Sick: Toughen up, you pussy. Maybe if you stop using all that hypo-antibacterial soap and avoiding anything with dirt on it then you'd get sick less often and you wouldn't be such a wuss.

Bulimic: Get over yourself, sweetheart. We like you because you're interesting and smart and funny, not because you're thin. Stop fleeing to the bathroom every time you eat. You're great just the way you are. Dumbass.


Middlebrow Answer: Semen
It is the juice that carries all life. The bringer of future generations. To coax it out, you must engage in passionate love-making, clutching at the panting body of your partner while clinging to waves of pure ecstasy. I have an emotional erection just thinking about it.

Or it's just cum. Splooge. Cupid's toothpaste. Chunky homestyle man chowder. And you can get some just by polishing the old dolphin. Semen is the most versatile liquid on earth. You can create a human life with it or you can shoot it onto the curtain of your dorm room. Either way, it's pretty fun making it.


Highbrow Answer: Gastric Acid
It's amazing to think that there's a liquid in your body that's strong enough to melt things. It's only one pH level below battery acid. Badass. If only I could scoop some out and put it into a spray bottle, I could finally get rid of that annoying cat next door.

I wish other things in your body were as dangerous. Imagine if your heart were actually a rabid mini-wolverine that popped out at villains if you were ever in trouble. Or if your blood could cause a special kind of Anthrax that only affected bad guys. I should sell that idea to Marvel. They could add Bloodthrax to the X-Men.

Best Male X-Man?

Lowbrow Answer: Cyclops
God, this dude is annoying. He's that Eagle Scout who'll never let you forget that he's an Eagle Scout. Blow me, Scott Summers. And have you seen his outfits when he's not in uniform? It's always a polo shirt and khakis. What are you, a sixteen-year-old boarding school student in dress code?

And sorry, but Jean Grey? Really? With all the other hot female mutants in skin-tight costumes out there, you chose Jean Grey? You could be floating above the earth, having sex inside a tornado with Storm, but instead you're at home watching CNN with the red-haired, boring chick who always has a headache.


Middlebrow Answer: Wolverine
He heals too fast for you to kill him, his skeleton is covered in indestructible metal, and he has claws in his hands. Plus he's always smoking a cigar and talking shit to the bad guys. He's the mutant Terrell Owens: unreliable and kinda problematic, but super talented and hard to ignore.

The problem with Wolverine is that he's too pouty. Boo hoo, Jean Gray doesn't like me. Wah, I can't remember my past. Get over it, you pussy. We have bad guys to demolish. Stop whining about who your parents may have been and come cut this dude's head off.


Highbrow Answer: Cable
Ever heard of this guy? Didn't think so. He's a future mutant who shows up in later versions of the X-Men series and he's totally badass. He's been infected with a Techno-Organism, which basically turns half his body into a robot and gives him enhanced abilities like perfect aim and time-travel. If only real-world diseases gave you special powers. Then I wouldn't be working so hard to get rid of this Lupus.

The best thing about Cable is that he doesn't give a shit about anyone. He's more of a dick than even Wolverine is. He jumps through time, killing bad guys at will and then disappearing again as he pleases. His biggest adventure is something called The Messiah Complex, wherein he must protect a super-mutant child from galactic douchebags. I wish I were a super-mutant child. Then maybe Cable would finally return my phone calls.