Best Workout Apparatus?

Lowbrow Answer: Ellipticals
If you ever find yourself on one of these things, do mankind a favor and kill yourself. Are we so wimpy as a people that we can't even run for real anymore? We have to simulate it? I wonder if Darwin's theories account for a species being so stupid that it actually begins to promote its own devolution. Although, as far as signs of Mankind's inherent idiocy goes, the invention of the Elliptical is way down on the list below The Holocaust, The Spanish Inquisition, and Paris Hilton. My god, we're morons.

Using an elliptical is like riding a train to the top of Mt. Everest. Sure, you got to the top. But it doesn't really count, ya know? I can't wait until we start applying this technology to other arenas of everyday life. Soon, you'll be able to graduate college by partying for four years, write music by playing Guitar Hero, and give your partner an orgasm just by watching the sex scene from "The Thomas Crown Affair" together.


Middlebrow Answer: Rowing Machines
At least you're working hard with this guy. Ergging, as it's called, is pretty hardcore and can get you into great shape. It works your arms, your legs, and your cardio, all while making a cool "Shwoosh" sound every time you recoil. The harder you pull, the louder it gets, the more people turn to watch, the cooler you feel and look, the more popular you become, the more ass you get at the gym. Easy, right?

It does, however, look like you're part of an elaborate Monty Python sketch when you're on these because you're basically rowing to nowhere. Plus you're often surrounded by large, white, rich men who all rowed at Oxford or Cambridge or Yale and are getting a quick workout in. So unless you can make witty comments on the recent Parliamentary Tariff Amendments or on the Eating Club system at Princeton, you're better off somewhere else.


Highbrow Answer: Chin-up bars
Remember when working out meant you actually had to work hard? When it didn't require electricity? When there weren't personal trainers, heart monitors, Nike moisture-wicking material, or iPods? No? You don't remember? I didn't think so. That's why you never played varsity basketball in high school, you pampered swine.

For those of you who haven't ever done chin-up workouts, they're hard. Like, really hard. And if I've learned anything about being highbrow, it's that it's painful. Look, if Freud can elect to go off his pain medicine days before he dies of mouth cancer so that he can understand true human pain in his final hours, then you can stop complaining and get your blubbery ass onto a chin-up bar for five minutes every day.