Best Sexual Position?

Lowbrow Answer: Doggystyle
Hey dickhead, she's a woman, not a beagle. At least have the common courtesy to look her in the face while you're ramming your undersized man-rocket into her cave of wonders. And stop slapping her ass like you're testing out pork at a Georgia meat market. You aren't a butcher, you're an unemployed twenty-something with body odor and a bad haircut.

I personally make it a rule for myself never to do anything that more than 25% of rappers endorse. That's why I don't have gold teeth, don't drive a lowrider, don't fuck doggystyle, don't pass the courvoisier, and never put my hands in the air like I just don't care. I do care. And courvoisier tastes like paint thinner.


Middlebrow Answer: Missionary Position
Don't underestimate the classics. They're classics for a reason. Nice face-to-face contact, good angle for G-spot tickling, and a solid opportunity for some hair-pulling and back-scratching; those priests knew what they were doing back in the day.

Of course, this position is named after religion, and you know how those of us in the highbrow elite feel about religion. What are missionaries doing having sex anyway? I thought that was part of the vow of chastity. Does this mean there's some inconsistency in religion? No! Next thing you'll tell me is professional wrestling isn't real.


Highbrow Answer: Girl on Top
Now here's the money button. Just lay back, relax, and let your partner piledrive your gigglestick. Any highbrow man knows that subverting the societal norm of male dominance is always the right choice. Just look at Hannah Arendt or Marie Curie. On a side note, I bet Marie Curie would rock my fucking world. I can just picture her tying me to a bed and doing strange things to my peen-monster with uranium.

Remember, without putting a woman in charge, we would never have gotten signal flares, white-out, chocolate chip cookies, or push-up bras. And I'm sorry, but I just can't live without those last two.