Lowbrow Answer: The PennyAre we serious about these? Were we ever? Pennies belong in the bin marked "stuff America is better without" along with slavery, the Salem witch trials, evangelical Christians, the Republican party, and Michael Jackson. (Too soon? Come on, he'd been a mockery of himself for 15 years) Using pennies is like handing out single bullets to soldiers who are about to march into battle. Doesn't make too much sense.
And what's with the unique color? Why are we trying to make pennies stand out? You can't even use them in parking meters. Lincoln is a legend to be sure, but you don't put the fat kid in the front of the class picture. You hide him in the back where he can stuff chocolate into his face without fear of ruining the shot.
Middlebrow Answer: The QuarterOkay, so they're totally useful and a nice manageable size. Plus, George Washington is kind of the man. I know he's got that goody-two-shoes reputation after the whole "I shall not tell a lie" incident, but you've got to hand it to the guy. He's basically the William Wallace of the U.S., only without the Scottish accent and the smoking hot French princess girlfriend.
But is anybody else tired of these state coins? I'm doing my best each and every day to forget the fact that Texas, Arkansas, Georgia, and Alabama are part of this country. I don't need reminding every time I get change at Burger King.
Highbrow Answer: The Susan B. Anthony DollarPlop one of these bad boys on the counter at Starbucks and see the reaction you get. I bet half the proles in the place will think you're Norwegian. The design of the coin itself is money (get it?). The front has a hendecagon-shaped edge running around the inside of the circle while the reverse is the Apollo 11 moon landing. Nothing like having two things that only geniuses know how to accomplish on a coin: travel in space and identify a hendecagon.
Let's not forget what a legend Susan B. Anthony was either. She's more or less directly responsible for women's rights in this country. Like, ALL women's rights. She's the first woman to be on a coin, was friends with Frederick Douglas, and was once arrested for voting illegally. So, let's do a quick comparison:
Susan: arrested once, friends with Frederick Douglas, on a coin = AWESOME
You: pulled over once for a broken headlight in your Prius, friends with dumb frat boys from college, not on a coin = LAME
The penny isn't even legal tender. You couldn't pay your taxes with a huge jar of pennies, but that's also why you can fuck up a single one of them in a souveneir machine in Branson, MO.
ReplyDeleteC'mon, the Morgan Dollar is definitely the most highbrow
ReplyDeleteHA! Well, I will disagree with your claim of uselessness in the case of pennies. My good friend Kevin actually has come up with a quite ingenious way of putting these formerly useless fractions of worthlessness to good use. I shall copy his post below.
ReplyDeletePennies are very useful
A few years ago I discovered a wonderful use for pennies, that I doubt many people know about.
You see, as currency, pennies are ridiculous. Downright silly. Somewhere between useless and more useless.
But as a vehicle propelled airborne projectile, they are excellent for both personal amusement and road rage reducing stress relief.
Say you're driving in mild traffic, and you're in the exit lane, and you're moving along pretty good. All the cars that needed to get onto the freeway have long since merged over- taking advantage of the plentiful gaps- and the only cars left in the exit lane are those cruising 35 miles per hour towards the city streets and the green light in the distance.
Of course not. That idiot in front of you? He is THAT guy. That guy that needs to wait until the last possible second to merge out of the exit lane into the freeway. Or even worse, he is the guy who moved into the exit lane to skip ahead about 7 whole cars, and is now trying to get back into the freeway. With no regard for you and the cars behind you who have all had to slam on your brakes as he tries unsuccessfully to wedge himself in long after the broken line ended. And of course, he has to come to a complete stop, half protruding into the exit lane.
Well, as you're a clever and observant driver, and saw this coming from 50 yards back. You've already lowered your window. You've already grabbed a few pennies from your center consol. And as you drive by, swerving off to the shoulder to get around the dumbass.......its catapult time.
And believe it or not, at 30 miles per hour with the wind rushing through your hair, you can clearly hear the penny (or pennies if you are particularly mad) impacting with the side panel of his car. Or smacking the back windshield. Or flying through the open window (ok, that one you can't hear, but it is extra satisfying.) And you know your hand launched, vehicle accelerated scowling visage of George Washigton has done its deadly work....likely pocking the paint of his annoying BMW or rim spinning Honda. And even if it doesn't do a bit of damage, you still get a strange and smug sense of satisfaction at having possibly gotten a tiny bit of pay back for his being a complete assbag. And once you've begun to identify useful penny hurtling scenarios, you'll notice deserving targets on roads everywhere. I've even managed to perfect the cross passenger right window throw to nail those clowns driving along the shoulder so they can get a whole 2 more cars ahead.
And all that satisfaction costs how much? 1 Penny. So far this year I've blown about $.83, and gained more happiness than hours of overpriced therapy could have netted.
You guys are crazy!
ReplyDeletetoo soon on the MJ. that's all i got.
ReplyDelete