Best Way to Shave?

Lowbrow Answer: Electric Razor
Every time I use one of these I can't help but feel like I'm shaving my face with a vibrator. They're just another example of American culture mechanizing something that shouldn't be mechanized. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though. We are the country who came up with the Flowbee.

These things inherently insult my intelligence. I'm a man. Shaving, hunting, killing, building stuff, eating, looking at boobs, yelling at sports, and scratching my testicles are in my blood. Don't patronize me with your button that releases revitalizing cream onto my face while I'm shaving. Take your button and your moisturizing cream and your spinning blades and shove them up your ass.


Middlebrow Answer: Safety Razor
You get a nice shave, you don't risk puncturing your juggular, and it's decently cheap. Plus these generally have cool names like the "Mach Three." I don't know about you, but I like shaving my face with a device that sounds like it's a fourtneen-million dollar American stealth fighter jet. Cool.

I'm so sick of the safety razor arms race, though. First three blades, then four blades, then four blades and a moisture strip, then five blades and a moisture strip, then six blades and a moisture strip and an X-Box. I just want to shave my face; I don't need satellite-uplink capability and a sniper rifle as well.


Highbrow Answer: Straight Razor
This shit is hardcore. One slip up and you bleed out like an Ebola patient. Of course, the bigger the risk, the bigger the payout. Kinda like boxing Joe Frazier versus boxing Haley Joel Osment. A shave with a straight razor leaves your face smooth enough to snort cocaine off of and you look like a badass doing it. Best.

The first straight razors were sharpened clam shells or shark's teeth. How do I know that? Because cave drawings depicting such awesomeness have been discovered in various locales. Radical. So you go ahead and use your Schick Quattro; I'll stick to shaving my face with the teeth of one of the world's greatest predators. No big deal. I also use Cobra fangs as toothpicks and my shoes are made of Velociraptor, if you're wondering.