Best Motorcycle Company?

Lowbrow Answer: Suzuki
I feel I'm riding a prop from The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. At any moment it could transform into a robotic dog and eat me. I know they're fast, but the motor is so wussy. It sounds like a vibrator on steroids when I rev the engine. I'm trying to look badass here, not make everybody think I'm riding a giant dildo on wheels.

Sport bikes as a whole are poorly designed. Look at the way you have to sit: all bent over forward. You're just asking to be hurled head-first over the handlebars and into a tree in that position. Although, considering the douchebags who generally own these bikes, maybe that's the point. Suzukis are Natural Selection's way of killing off morons.


Middlebrow Answer: Harley-Davidson
They're the benchmark of motorcycles around the world. Getting a new one requires applying to a waiting list in some cases. The bikes themselves have a design flaw in the engine dating back to when the company was founded that causes the pistons to fire at uneven intervals. It's that flaw that leads to the trademark Harley "growl" that the engines make. Baddass. Perfection born of imperfection.

Of course, most people who ride these things are inbred yocal hicks who voted for George W. Bush in the last three elections. (Yes, I'm aware he wasn't on the ballet in 2008. That's the point of the joke, dumbass.) I've never met more guys called "Bubba" than when I attended a Harley rally in New Hampshire a few years ago. Most of the women there had bigger guts than the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line. Although, to be fair, their mullets were pretty hot.


Highbrow Answer: Indian Scout
Created in 1901, this is America's first motorcycle. Used primarly in the 40's and 50's, the Indian Scout has become an almost mythic creature in the motorcycle world. Steve McQueen even owned a few. And I'm sorry, but anything Steve McQueen does is awesome. Look at the guy. What a legend. He could take a dump on my face and I'd thank him for it.

You may remember this bike as the one used by New Zealander Burt Munro to set a number of land speed records in the 1960's. If New Zealanders approve of it, it has to be highbrow. These are the same people who came up with the Haka and the All-Blacks rugby team. I wouldn't question their judgement, lest you feel the wrath of a thousand Maori warriors with facial tattoos.