Lowbrow Answer: PianoI can name at least forty songs right here, right now, that feature the piano and are utterly shit. For every "Pyramid Song" there are a hundred "Wherever You Go's." It's like every crappy pop star in the world sees a piano as a chance to write a half-assed ballad. The piano is the toothless, one-legged Parisian hooker of the music world; everybody's had a go, but nobody's really gotten anything good out of it.
If we eliminate the piano from modern music, we get rid of Chris Martin, Billy Joel, and The Fray all in one go. Plus we never have to hear, "I'm not a girl" ever again. Sorry Phillip Glass, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice.
Middlebrow Answer: OrganAs a rule, anything that Johan Sebastian Bach likes, I like. Which means the organ is high on my list. I'm sorry, but I don't want to live in a world without the Toccata and Fugue in D minor. Look at an organ. They're huge, they're gleaming, and they're beautiful. Plus, most of them have like, nine different keyboards, which would intimidate any normal musician. Just imagine trying to box a version of Mohammad Ali that had nine arms. No, thanks. He's scary enough with just two.
There isn't much modern music that features the organ, although The Arcade Fire's "Intervention" is pretty great. As an instrument, it can be a bit heavy. Think of it this way. If a guitar is "Ryu" from Street Fighter, than an organ is "E. Honda."
Highbrow Answer: HarpsichordThis bad boy was invented in the 1500s and without it, you don't get the Baroque period, which means you don't get Vivaldi, Handel, Bach, Monteverdi, or Corelli, which means you don't get The Messiah, The Goldberg Variations, or the Gloria, which means you don't get some of the best classical music on the planet, which means you die an uncultured and uninspired proletariat swine. Read your history books. The Harpsichord will be the one making everything happen. Kind of like Jesus or Ryan Seacrest.
Have you ever listened to a Harpsichord? No? Check it out here. Or here, if you want to hear it in a more modern setting. It produces the kind of sound I imagine Kant writing to. Or Rousseau debating Montesquieu to. Trust me. Throw on some sweet harpsichord as background music the next time you're having sex. I guarantee you'll have the best orgasm of your life. At least the most highbrow.
I totally disagree with your lack of respect for the piano. Bach wrote prolifically for the piano as well as the organ. I don't think you did your homework about keyboard instruments. Otherwise, you would have found the "Celeste", a glockenspiel with a keyboard that certainly ranks far lower than the piano. Piano lovers unite! Tell Jeff how wrong he is!!
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ReplyDeletevampire weekend = so high brow right now
ReplyDeleteTsk, Tsk... I ♥ Pianos.
ReplyDeleteThis argument is of course all about which endangered species, whose we'd really love to rip out with our bare hands.
ReplyDeleteNow, clearly the author seems to think its much better to tear someone's feathers out as well. I imagine this goes for fingernals as well, since they're roughly the same thing.
Plucked from the living creature, the sensation of the agony should let us clarify a few things, so I've brought my friend here to
explain a few reasons why is game is the kurzweil synthesizer. Take it away, bird.
Bird's testimony:
"Like many of my friends, I was into the harpsichord. We'd go out, and someone would say .. hey lets do some harpsichord. And of course, you know, I'd go. No way. I'm saving myself for the piano"
"Alot of my friends were doing it, and we had like. That night, our heated pool? It was turned way up . I did 240 mg. These other guys around me, they were doing like. 180. "
" It was kind of like, you know? I was regressing. Nothing had tone. No matter how hard they hit me they couldn't make me scream any harder. "
"So I have to say my first experience was positive"
"But my boyfriend and I have decided, we want to go with the piano. It was a mutual decision, you know? "
"Its just, the harder you hit me the louder I sound, and thats just. Like. Part of it all? You know."
"I highly recommend the harpsichord, though. Totally. Definitely worth it. "
uh. sorry. the missing word was "teeth". Its been a busy morning here. :)
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