Best Naomi Watts Movie?

Lowbrow Answer: King Kong
While I hesitate to write this because I don't want to offend Greenpeace, "King Kong" blows. I think Peter Jackson has played too much Rampage. This movie is three and a half hours long, the story drags like crazy, and Jack Black is basically a talking human turd. I feel like whenever a problem arose on the set, Jackson just said, "Let's add another action sequence with giant animals." Way to go, Pete.

Why isn't anybody else super weirded out by all the implications of Bestiality in this film? I'm surprised the Christian right wasn't marching around the outside of the theatre with pictures of aborted fetuses and stuff? Oh, Christian Right. We can always count on you for a little injection of anti-gay, anti-woman, and anti-giant-ape-destroying-New-York-and-boning-a-blonde-chick sentiment.


Middlebrow Answer: Mullholland Drive
The acting is flawless, the soundtrack is brilliant, and the scene in Club Silencio (see it here) is one of the most jarring and beautiful in all of film. It's also nice to go to a movie that actually pushes you to think. And when I say "think," I mean it in the "Where's the line between fantasy and reality" sort of way, not in the "Whoa, that explosion was awesome, how did they do that" sort of way.

So why isn't this the highbrow answer? Because it's too easy. Telling me you love David Lynch is like telling me that Pablo Picasso is your favorite painter. Oh really, jackass? Is Beethoven your favorite composer? You like William Shakespeare as well? And you love Fellini? Blow me, you unoriginal prick. Go find some real art.


Highbrow Answer: I Heart Huckabees
I didn't have a crush on Mark Walhberg before I saw this film. Now I hear his beautiful Boston accent in my head when I try to sleep and I have his face tattooed on my left testicle. I would have put it on the right as well, but Alec Baldwin is already there. The best part is that this movie also has Dustin Hoffman, Lily Tomlin, Jude Law, and Jason Schwartzman. Watching this is like having sex with a woman who keeps getting more attractive the longer you bone.

And Jon Brion is the man. He did the soundtrack, for those of you playing at home. The whole thing sounds kind of like an adult version of the "Rugrats" music, and it's perfect. Little blips and twirls keep us company as we navigate the story. I want Brion to write the music for my funeral. At least then people will feel relaxed as they mourn the loss of one of the world's great thinkers.