Best Form of Renewable Energy?

Lowbrow Answer: Solar
How have we not figured this one out yet? Didn't every single calculator in 1989 run on solar power? And now, twenty years later, we're still trying to make it work for other stuff? Man, we're idiots. At this rate, we'll never figure out a way to solve world hunger or finally cure Butt Acne.

I also have to say that the sun kinda sucks. I like going to the beach as much as the next guy, but am I supposed to be excited about a massive nuclear reactor millions of miles away that's trying to melt my skin off? Generally, I try to avoid huge balls of burning gas, not get closer to them. The sun is the bimbo female reality TV star of the universe: shiny, annoying, way too tan, and full of hot air.


Middlebrow Answer: Wind
Have you ever seen a wind turbine? They're awesome. They look like the propellers from old-school Zeppelins. They also make this cool whizzing sound when they're turning. It makes you feel like you're walking at 56 mph when you're near one.

Wind, however, is sort of inconsistent. It's on, it's off. It's hot, it's cold. Some days I go outside to fly my Spongebob kite and I get nothing. Others, I want to wear my hair up and I can't because a hurricane is wrecking it. The wind is basically everybody's ex: somedays you like her, some days you don't. Either way, you often end up getting a blowjob. (Get it? Blow job? Like, the wind blowing? I can't beleive Saturday Night Live hasn't contacted me yet with jokes like that.)


Highbrow Answer: Water
The latest technology with water power is tapping into the energy of ocean currents. I know this because I have a cousin in Maine who's working on it. So. To summarize. We're going to stick turbines underwater (awesome) in places like the North Atlantic (bad ass) and the Bering Straight (hardcore) to harness some of the strongest currents on earth (intense), and the people designing this procedure live in upstate Maine (besty.) Need I say more?

Large bodies of water are, in general, fucking cool. Oceans, rivers, lakes, whatever. They all give me an intellectual boner. They sit there, placid and wonderful, just waiting for us to swim, boat, and fish in them, while underneath, they are some of the strongest forces on earth. It's like hopping into bed with Rogue from the X-Men; She may look beautiful, but if you aren't careful, she'll rip your arms off.

Best Activity Behind a Boat?

Lowbrow Answer: Wakeboarding
Ever since somebody invented surfing, lame middle-class white kids have tried to translate it to other sports: skateboarding, wakeboarding, snowboarding, whatever. Hey, jackass. Nobody thinks you look cool except your mom, and she sucks. Pull up your pants, take off that Hurley hat, and burn your Quicksilver board shorts. Dumbass.

The worse part about these douchebags is that they roam in packs. You never see one dude wakeboarding; you see eight of them hanging out of some expensive boat that one of their fathers bought for them. They're all drunk, they're all covered in muscles, and they're blasting Nickelback from their speakers. Boatfulls of wakeboarders makes me wish that bazookas and murder weren't so illegal.


Middlebrow Answer: Tubing
If you do this right, it's hardcore. You're shooting across the top of choppy lake water at 35 miles per hour holding on for dear life as the driver whips you around into the waves of a party barge. If you fall off, you skid across the water as every orifice in your body is filled with liquid. I imagine the experience is something like being a sperm. The whole thing isn't not fun in any way, which immediately raises it above lowbrow.

Of course, you aren't really doing much here. Sure, there's balance and coordination, but everything from petting a dog to playing with yourself requires that. I'm not impressed. Plus, let's be honest. You're basically riding on a giant inflatable donut. And while donuts are decidedly tasty, they are decidedly not highbrow.


Highbrow Answer: Waterskiing
Ever heard the expression, "Like a hot knife through butter?" Waterskiing is basically the real-life version of that. You're on one ski (if you're any good) and you slice through the water at upwards of 45 mph. If there were a high school just for assassins and ninjas, the most competitive sport would be waterskiing.

Good waterskiing doesn't mean that you fly through the air upside down or that you grind anything; it means your form is good and your turns are precise. It's not really the kind of thing you'll see on the X-Games. Although, if I've learned anything from my time on this earth, it's that avoiding ANYTHING that you see at the X-Games is probably a good idea.

Best Female X-Man?

Like X-Men? Check out the male version of this post here.

Lowbrow Answer: Jubilee
Jubilee's super powers blow. She basically shoots fireworks from her hands. I could get the same effect by sticking Roman candles in my sleeves. Waa-hoo. What a hero. Jubilee's full name is Jubilation Lee, which to me sounds like a Southern rock band. I can just picture them opening for Lynryd Skynyrd in 1975.

The most annoying thing about Jubilee is what a brat she is. You're a super hero. People depend on you. You can't get upset every time you hair's a mess or your pants are wrinkled. Sabretooth is bashing Wolverine with a telephone pole and you're crying because your jacket got stained at dinner. No wonder they left you out of the movies. Whiny bitch.


Middlebrow Answer: Storm
You can't really argue with somebody who can control the weather. Just imagine it. Having an outdoor wedding and need some sunshine? Done. Want to go sledding? Done. Want to use a tornado to wipe out your ex-boyfriend and his new lady? Done. You're basically God in hot, Egpytian girl form.

Storm does get on my nerves though. She always talks like she's performing in a community theatre version of Macbeth: "Winds! I command you to do my bidding!" It's like, yeah, Storm, we can see that. Just shut up and do it already. Also, am I wrong in thinking that nearly every problem the X-Men face could be solved in one fell swoop by Storm? She CONTROLS THE WEATHER for christ's sake. She should get off her ass and help out a bit more.


Highbrow Answer: Kitty Pryde
She's verile, she's hot, and she isn't annoying. What more do you want? Kitty Pryde's mutant power is called "phasing," which basically means that she can make her body or objects with which she is in contact intangible. Umm, awesome. I want to start dating her so that we can sneak around together and steal things from people we don't like.

Kitty Pryde's place as a cultural icon cannot be underestimated. She was played by Ellen Page in the movie, which is radical. She's also immortalized in the Weezer song, "In the Garage." And we're not talking about the "Beverly Hills," lame-ass douchebag version of Weezer. We're talking about the epically awesome, Blue Album version of Weezer. Oh, Rivers Cuomo, where did it all go wrong?

Best Kind of Doctorate?

Lowbrow Answer: D.D.S. (Doctor of Dental Surgery)
Let me get this straight. You're spending years of your youth and thousands of dollars so that you can spend the majority of your adult life with your hands in other people's mouths? Are you insane? Did somebody drop you on your face when you were little?

Dentists, by the way, have one of the highest suicide rates of any job. I can see why. Nobody likes coming to see you, you're probably in debt, you spend your days smelling half-digested food, and you have to cut into people's gums to perform surgery. I'm sorry, but that's the grossest thing I've ever heard. I'd rather help remove somebody's colon than cut into a set of gums.


Middlebrow Answer: J.D. (Juris Doctor)
Lawyers blow. All of them. I don't care if you're one of those "good" ones that's helping to save the environment; you blow. You're helping to prop up a system that is so corrupt and convoluted that it does more to hurt American than to help it. Being a lawyer is like being the "nice guy" in your chapter of the KKK; no matter how great you are, you're still a racist prick.

The only thing that impresses me about this occupation is how much information is stored in your brain. Good lawyers can hear somebody say something in a trial and immediately reference some landmark decision in a case from 127 years ago. I wish I had that kind of recall. I could use it with women: "I'm sorry, Sarah, but fourteen years ago you told your best friend that you WERE, in fact, interested in trying a threesome."


Highbrow Answer: Ph.D. (Doctor of Philosophy)
There are few things more highbrow than studying just to study. Especially when, at the end of all that studying, you get to wear a crazy-looking robe and silly hat. My goal in life is to get a Ph.D. just so I can walk around in Los Angeles with a graduate robe. Maybe then those bastards at Arby's will take me seriously.

The greatest thing about Ph.D.'s is how specific they often are. Sure, your diploma says, "Math" or "English Literature," but your actual field of expertise is way more focused than that. You might be the world's preeminent mind on 16th century equine behavior or the history of the ham and cheese sandwich. Either way, you're useless to society and that makes you totally awesome.

Best U.S. Monument?

Lowbrow Answer: Mount Rushmore
South Dakota? What the hell is in South Dakota? That state is full of nothing by gun-toting republican militias and a varied assortment of wild bears, neither of which is too excited about the American government. Putting a monument to former U.S. Presidents in that state is like plopping an anti-gay statue in the middle of San Francisco.

And who chose these presidents? I guess you can't really argue with Washington, Lincoln, or Jefferson, but Teddy Roosevelt? Really? You chose to fill the space between the guy who ENDED SLAVERY and the guy who WROTE THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE with the guy whose biggest claim to fame is that Teddy Bears are named after him? Are you insane?
What's next? You gonna give Rob Schneider an Oscar for his work in "Deuce Bigelow?"


Middlebrow Answer: The St. Louis Arch
Why are we putting a massive croquet wicket in the middle of our country? I thought the goal was to break away from English culture, not further recognize it. And calling it the Gateway to the West is a bit of a stretch. I should start calling my bedroom door the "Gateway to the Pleasure Dome."

You do have to appreciate the aesthetic here. It's simple, it's visible, and it's impressive. Sort of like Ron Jeremy's penis. And I think we can all agree that THAT is certainly an American treasure.


Highbrow Answer: The Statue of Liberty
Does anybody else think that the Statue of Liberty is kinda hot? Look at those boobs. And that tunic is pretty cute. I'd do her, if only I were a lot taller and made of metal. This statue is in a pretty amazing spot as well. She looks out over the Atlantic Ocean, vigilantly watching for tired, poor, huddled masses, and Godzilla attacks.

The Statue of Liberty is radical. She embodies the ideals on which this country was built, which are pretty highbrow. You can't really argue with the Declaration of Independence as an ultimately baddass document. We basically told King George to fuck off and then listed all the reasons why he was an idiot. Oh America. You used to be so delightfully eloquent when you were pissed off. Now you just dump a load of bombs and move on. *sigh*

Best Way to Smoke Tobacco?

Lowbrow Answer: Cigarettes
Okay, you've made the decision to start smoking. Good for you. Nice work. So you wander up to a convenience store looking to sample the goods. And what's on offer? Hundreds of little white boxes with names like Marlboro, Newport, Benson & Hedges, and Salem. Can somebody tell me why cigarette brands all sound like private schools in New England?

The lamest part about brand-name cigarettes is that they all have filters. Look, I'm all for self-destruction, but if you're going to do it, don't be a pussy. Filters are like wearing a helmet before you shoot yourself in the head or wearing a turtleneck on the day you decide to hang yourself. Don't smoke "lites" and don't use a filter. Ass.


Middlebrow Answer: Roll-Ups
There's something inherently satisfying about building something with your own two hands. Kinda like how sex is always better with a girl that you pick up at a bar than it is with a prostitute or how a band is always awesome if you know the lead singer personally. Roll-ups are a celebration of man and all our opposable thumb glory. Just think; you get to bend over like some sort of 17th century craftsman every time you want a smoke. Coool.

Roll-ups are huge in Europe, and if I've learned anything from my degree in Geography, it's that Europe is the mecca of all things Rad. I mean, come on. They gave us democracy, the romance languages, Monet, Bach, soccer, chess, Radiohead, Guinness, and blowjobs. I'm not really inclined to disagree with anything they say. If they suddenly decide that pooping in your pants is cool, then tomorrow I'm buying some adult diapers.


Highbrow Answer: A Pipe
This is a real man's game. Nothing makes you feel more like your dad than smoking a pipe. You feel like a father in the 1950's, raising two and a half children and calling your wife, "Wife." You grab your smoking jacket, a copy of La Comédie humaine, and your pipe and you're all set for an evening of rest and relaxation and man-time.

A pipe allows you the pleasure of packing your own tobacco, but eliminates the mess and aesthetic misfortune of a roll-up. The beauty of pipes is that they can basically be made of anything. Wood, glass, stone, ivory, ancient relics, mummified fish, the petrified remains of Joseph Stalin; you name it and I can make you a pipe out of it. And I think I speak for all of us when I say that smoking tobacco through Stalin's remains is the very definition of highbrow.

Best Vacation Accomodation?

Lowbrow Answer: A Bed-and-Breakfast
Do I really want to leave my house and go on vacation so that I can travel away to... somebody else's house? I'm trying to avoid sitting in a living room and watching television while surrounded by weird family portraits and Hummel figurines, not get closer to it. This is supposed to be a vacation, not a visit to my grandparents.

And what's with the food? Nice old Mrs. Jenkins and her husband are sweet, but her eggs are soggy and his coffee tastes like shit. People who argue that home-cooked meals are the best are idiots. Home-cooked meals blow. I'm on vacation, it's time to spoil myself. I'm going to Applebee's.


Middlebrow Answer: A Hotel
There are too many people running around in hotels. Little kids peeing in the pool, middle-aged women with fake breasts and fake lips using the gym, ex-frat boys yelling at the football game in the downstairs bar. I feel like I'm suddenly in a college dorm at a school that I hate.

The worst part about staying in a hotel is that there's always some sort of reunion or convention going on. And have you ever noticed that only lame people attend those things? I don't want to come back from a night out to find the International Poodle Fanciers or the American Philatelic Society having drinks in my lobby.


Highbrow Answer: A Motel
I have one word for you: anonymity. No walking past the front desk every time you come home. No huge groups of people everywhere you go. Want to have a romantic tryst with a lover? Go to a motel. Need somewhere to come back to after committing a crime? Go to a motel. Motels are sterile and uncomfortable and don't feel at all like your house. But isn't that the point of a vacation? I don't go to a hooker looking for sex that feels exactly like it does with my wife.

Motels also offer that mystical connection to the road. That American, Kerouac love of traveling on highways. You pull your car in, hop in the bed, and off you go the next morning. Motels always have that flat, caffeine light that makes you feel totally epic about your trip, even if you're only going up the coast a ways to take your cat to a special veterinarian.