Lowbrow Answer: MormonismMagic underwear that protects you from bad stuff? Really? Okay, let's do a test. Let's put 50 of you against a wall and I'll shoot you all with a Gatling gun and we'll see how many of you survive. I'm not really a betting man, but I'd be willing to wager that my Gatling gun will prevail over your mystical Fruit-of-the-Looms.
And what's with hating gay people? Gay people are amazing. Without them, we wouldn't have good haircuts, sodomy, or Elton John. I love all three of those things! I mean, come on. If you get rid of all the gays, then who are straight men like me supposed to get blowjobs from?
Middlebrow Answer: ChristianityThe only reason these guys aren't down in "Lowbrow" with the Mormons is the Unitarian Universalists. Now, THAT'S a religion. You want to wear sweatpants to church? Cool. You want to play some Radiohead during your sermon? Fine. You want to skip Church to play in a soccer tournament? Go for it. Just be nice to people and respect the Lord. Or don't. Whatever.
The rest of you are crazy. You tell me Jesus loved everyone then you tell me to hate gays. You decry cannibalism and then you eat the flesh of your lord every Sunday. You tell me not to have sex before marriage and then a bunch of your priests rape little boys. You guys do more waffling than the Eggo's company.
Highbrow Answer: The Church of the Flying Spaghetti MonsterAt least this one is based on science. The church has proven an indusputable link between the decline in pirate activity to the rising global climate. Boom. Science. Fuck you, faith. I have FACTS.
You can't really beat a flying spaghetti monster as your lord. Why would I want to worship Jesus Christ? He's just a dude that got nailed to a block of wood. I could do that. I could go outside and do that right now. That's not impressive. But a fucking flying spaghetti monster?! That shit is terrifying. It looks like one of Godzilla's enemies. Now THAT is a god that I want to pray to.
Learn more about the Flying Spaghetti Monster here.
any time jeff any time ;)
ReplyDeleteI only object to this because I'm pretty sure you're lying about loving Elton John.
ReplyDeleteDont make fun of the Mormons. They can hit you with those golden plates.
ReplyDeleteAs for Christianity, I need someone to die for my sins. This way, I can screw around all I want. How can you beat that?
Now Jews 4 Jesus is something I can get into. There's bullshit for everyone. What a world!!!!!