Best Site for the 2016 Olympics?

Like the Olympics? Learn about the events here.
Lowbrow Answer: Chicago, USA
I love how upset Americans get when they don't get picked first. Hey, Chicago. Newsflash. You kinda blow. What have you given the world besides the Sears Tower, Polish-Americans, and the Cubs. Who blow. I know our super-cool black president is from your city, but get over yourselves. I can name a million other cities in the world with way more super-cool black dudes than you.

My favorite part about this last Olympic bid was the scene in Chicago when they found out they didn't get it. It was like somebody had taken their favorite toy away from them. What did you expect? You can't just throw Oprah and Obama at the IOC and expect them to win. They're all from culturally elite countries like Switzerland and Luxembourg. Each one of them speaks like nine languages. Don't expect them to cave when you hold up pictures of Michael Jordan and demand the games.


Middlebrow Answer: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Brazil is awesome. You have to hand it to a country that's famous for both soccer and removing hair from female pubic regions all over the world. Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. The population of Brazil looks like a box of crayons; they've got redheads and black dudes, and everything in between. How nice. The Olympics will be one big ad for "We are the World."

It does seem a bit odd, though, to put the Olympics in the unofficial crime capital of the world. I can just picture the marathon course: avoid getting stabbed in the first ten miles as you traverse the dense city center, watch out for errant needles as you pass through the favelas, turn right at the whorehouses, dodge gunfire in the gang district, and be sure to take a nice hit of Colombian white as you cross the finish line.


Highbrow Answer: Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of the Congo
All the original Olympic events were based on battle, so why not put the games right in the middle of a war zone? It would give the Javelin throwers something fun to aim at. Just think about how much more fun those long track races would be if the runners were being chased by Hutu rebels with sawed-off shotguns in a 1989 Ford Pickup. I bet you'd get a lot more people tuning into the 10k.

While we're on the subject of Africa, I'd like say something:

Fuck you, Westernized World.

You showed up in Africa in the early twentieth century, stripped the continent of all its resources, killed EVERYBODY, and created endless civil strife by giving guns to some tribes but not others. Nice work. I'm really hoping that someday the African nations band together and attack the U.S. Maybe we will learn some humility when Rwandan soldiers are dragging the body of our president through the streets of New York behind a war elephant.