Lowbrow Answer: Buy ItIt's a dog. It drools on your couch, chews on your shoes, and poops on your lawn. You're really going to pay $1200 for it? Are you insane? You could buy something useful with that money, like a flatscreen TV or 1200 bags of Skittles. How about this. Send me a check for $500 and I'll poop on your lawn whenever you want me to. You'll save money and I'll finally be able to afford that vintage Punky Brewster lunchbox.
Most people who buy a dog want to put it in dog shows. What a blast these shindigs are. It's a beauty pageant without the swimsuit competition or the "World Peace" questionnaire. Oh yeah, and they're DOGS. Maybe comparing them to each other mattered back in the 1600s when they actually helped us survive everyday life, but come on. If you're going to dog shows at this point, you probably live alone and you probably own a sweater with your dog's face bedazzled on it.
Middlebrow Answer: Rescue ItIf you're going to have a dog, at least get one with personality. Who would want a perfect-looking poodle when you can have a mangy rottweiler with one eye and dog-fighting scars? Rescuing a dog also allows you to sleep at night knowing that you did something nice, rather than sleeping at night wondering why you didn't get 1200 bags of Skittles instead of buying a dog.
Of course, you're getting sloppy seconds with this one, and we all hate that. Your dog probably belonged to some redneck named Cletus with 14 kids and pickup truck who never fed it and made it watch NASCAR races with him on the weekend. Low. Brow.
Highbrow Answer: Capture a HyenaFuck dogs. If I'm going to have a four-legged animal in my house, it's going to a be a Hyena. It can protect me from burglars, it can scavenge for food around my neighborhood, and it can take down the mailman like he was a sickly gazelle. Who doesn't want all those things? Name me one person who doesn't want those things.
Hyenas are also big enough that you could put little kids on their backs. Imagine it. Other kids are getting dropped off at kindergarten in a Ford Fiesta and your son rolls up on the back of a Hyena. I'll guarantee you this: he'd never get beat up. If he did, you could just train the Hyena to rip the bully's face off and eat it in front of the other kids as a warning.
Do you know about the Hyena Men? I wrote an article about them and their photographer, Pieter Hugo. They bathe themselves in magic, blow spells (i.e. powdered narcotics) into Hyenas faces, catch the laughing buggers, and then train them to perform. That's highbrow and badass, no?
ReplyDeleteif i had $500 i would want you to come poop on my lawn...assuming i had a lawn.
ReplyDelete