Best Way to be like Michael Phelps?

Lowbrow Answer: Eat 10,000 Calories a Day
Hey, Tubby. You aren't swimming 500 miles every morning. You don't get to eat four pizzas on a nightly basis and still feel good about yourself. Stop stuffing cheeseburgers into your pie-hole and get off your couch.

The worst part about this is how long it must take to consume that much food. Phelps probably spends hours at his kitchen table. So. To Clarify. He's a big slab of meat for all of the citizens of the U.S. to enjoy and he spends more time eating than doing anything else. He sounds like beef livestock.


Middlebrow Answer: Win 8 Gold Medals
Swimming in the Olympics is so bullshit. First of all, there are a thousand different events. The 50m butterfly, the 100m butterfly, the 227.5m butterfly. No wonder Michael Phelps can win 8 gold medals. He gets like, 56 chances at it.

And have you ever noticed that nobody from Africa is in these races? Or South America? Or, really, even Asia? I suppose it makes sense. There aren't many pools in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The kids there are too busy mining blood diamonds to practice the breast stroke. Olympic swimming is a bunch of white kids from the US, Europe, and Australia preening around in Speedos while IOC Officials hand out medals. Sounds like a blast.


Highbrow Answer: Be from Maryland
Maryland rules. It has Johns Hopkins, the FDA, and the highest median income of any state in the union. Suck on that, Delaware. It also has coastline, marsh, mountains, and forest. Maryland is like that girl we wish we all could date. You know the one; she's blistering hot, she plays the violin, she's a biotech engineer, and she loves sex.

The Maryland colony was chartered 1632 by Cæcilius Calvert, 2nd Lord Baltimore. Ummm, Cæcilius? Awesome. God dammit, I wish my name were cooler. I think I might have children, just so I can name one, "Cæcilius King, 2nd Lord Spankitmore."