Best Band with a Number in its name?

Lowbrow Answer: Blink 182
You named your fourth album "Take off your Pants and Jacket." Really? You're using the punchline of a joke I heard in 5th grade as an album title? Jesus. It wasn't even funny back then. I'm pretty sure the dudes in Blink 182 are just three guys from middle school detention that somebody gave guitars to.

Have you ever heard these little terds play live? Or, should I say, have you ever heard these little terds TRY to play live? Good lord. Guys, I know you've sold like 40 million records, but maybe take a music lesson. Or thirty. See, there are these things called 'tuning' and 'rhythm' that I think it would be super helpful for you to figure out.


Middlebrow Answer: U2
If you forget that Bono can't sing anymore and forget that The Edge is probably balding underneath that little beanie hat and forget that their stage looks like some sort of massive robotic sex toy and forget that they could have replaced the drummer six times by now and nobody would have noticed and forget that some of their songs sound like weird versions of the 'Matlock' theme, then you realize: U2 are fucking good.

'Sunday Bloody Sunday' rocked my face off when I first heard it. The song literally climbed onto my face and had sex with my ears. And god, was it good. And 'Where the Streets Have No Name' is like the greatest tune ever written. It makes ANYTHING feel epic. You could put it underneath a Preparation H commercial and I'd wish that I had hemorrhoids. Barry Manilow could cover it and I'd want to do him. In his butt.


Highbrow Answer: Nine Inch Nails
These guys are so epic that they spell their number out. And I'm always going to support a band who references the death of Christ in their name. It's like how I'll always go home with a girl who tells me she can tie a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue. It's a sure thing that you'll have a good time.

Nine Inch Nails are incredible. They play slow, fast, hard, soft, rock, classical, whatever. Trent Reznor could switch to the bassoon and I'm sure it would sound amazing. He could record himself plucking his own testicle hair and I'd by the album. Plus, come on, how are you going to argue with a guy who has worked with David Lynch. David Lynch is to awesomeness as God is to the world.

Best Part of Christmas?

Lowbrow Answer: The Birth of Christ
One little homeless baby is born and the next thing you know, we get a whole race of Evangelical idiots who hate Muslims, The Purple Teletubby, Jews, Science, Gays, and Women. Nice going, Jesus. Couldn't you have just stayed in the carpentry business instead of switching over to "Savior-ing?"

I hate birthdays anyhow. Especially one for somebody born over 2000 years ago. You don't see us baking a cake for Ghengis Khan or throwing a party for Octavius Caesar. You know why? Because they're fucking dead. They could care less if we're celebrating their birthday. They're too busy in Heaven having a threesome with Joan of Arc.


Middlebrow Answer: Presents
Here's a fun trick if you're bored. Buy a big black dildo and wrap it up. Put it under the tree and address it to your dad from your mom. Include a note inside that says, "I thought you might like this because you obviously have no interest in my vagina." Then just sit back, sip some eggnog, and watch your parents fight. Ah, Christmas. Good times.

Getting presents blows. Especially from your "kind-of" relatives. You know the people I mean. Those couples you only see at Christmas whose names you can't remember and who don't seem to even know who you are. They're names are usually something like "Janet and Ted." And they give you a purple sweater or a DVD of "PBS Masterpiece Theatre," and you have to awkwardly hug them and you hate it bacause they smell like moth balls. Die, Janet and Ted.


Highbrow Answers: Handel's Messiah
You know you're a badass when Beethoven, Mozart, and Haydn cite you as an influence. That's like Ron Jeremy saying, "Yeah, I try to fuck like Jeff King does." Handel worked for the English Royal Crown, he spoke like nine languages, and he composed 42 operas. FORTY-TWO. I can't even watch 42 minutes of a movie without getting distracted or needing to pee.

The Messiah is epic. Can you really argue with the Hallelujah Chorus? That shit is amazing. The Messiah is also the most famous instance of Handel's "Word-Painting." That's a technique whereby the melody of a song matches the words. As in, the word "high" would be sung on a high note, or "Valley" would be a string of notes that form a valley shape on the page. BAD. ASS. He's basically doing three types of art in one. You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.

Best Western Religion?

Lowbrow Answer: Mormonism
Magic underwear that protects you from bad stuff? Really? Okay, let's do a test. Let's put 50 of you against a wall and I'll shoot you all with a Gatling gun and we'll see how many of you survive. I'm not really a betting man, but I'd be willing to wager that my Gatling gun will prevail over your mystical Fruit-of-the-Looms.

And what's with hating gay people? Gay people are amazing. Without them, we wouldn't have good haircuts, sodomy, or Elton John. I love all three of those things! I mean, come on. If you get rid of all the gays, then who are straight men like me supposed to get blowjobs from?


Middlebrow Answer: Christianity
The only reason these guys aren't down in "Lowbrow" with the Mormons is the Unitarian Universalists. Now, THAT'S a religion. You want to wear sweatpants to church? Cool. You want to play some Radiohead during your sermon? Fine. You want to skip Church to play in a soccer tournament? Go for it. Just be nice to people and respect the Lord. Or don't. Whatever.

The rest of you are crazy. You tell me Jesus loved everyone then you tell me to hate gays. You decry cannibalism and then you eat the flesh of your lord every Sunday. You tell me not to have sex before marriage and then a bunch of your priests rape little boys. You guys do more waffling than the Eggo's company.


Highbrow Answer: The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
At least this one is based on science. The church has proven an indusputable link between the decline in pirate activity to the rising global climate. Boom. Science. Fuck you, faith. I have FACTS.

You can't really beat a flying spaghetti monster as your lord. Why would I want to worship Jesus Christ? He's just a dude that got nailed to a block of wood. I could do that. I could go outside and do that right now. That's not impressive. But a fucking flying spaghetti monster?! That shit is terrifying. It looks like one of Godzilla's enemies. Now THAT is a god that I want to pray to.

Learn more about the Flying Spaghetti Monster here.