Best Way to Chat Online?

Lowbrow Answer: Facebook Chat
Wait, Facebook has a chat feature? When the hell did this happen? And whose dumb idea was it? One day I'm on there checking out bikini photos of this hot girl I knew in high school, and then suddenly I'm getting messages from some douchebag I went to soccer camp with twelve years ago. Facebook chat is like having FedEx deliver four beagle puppies to your doorstep that you didn't order. Sure, they're cute, but I didn't sign up for this shit.

As if Facebook weren't already encouraging enough to stalkers, now you can chat with the girl whose pictures you're saving on your hard drive? The next step will be a feature that lets you digitally drop a roofie into somebody's drink.


Middlebrow Answer: G-Chat
Does anybody else feel like only smart people have Gmail accounts? Like all the morons of the world are still using Hotmail or Yahoo? G-chat is unobtrusive and doesn't come with annoying sound effects. Plus the whole thing is linked into your email, which is a bonus. It's like having a car that also makes Pizza.

Although, I can't help but feel like "G-chatting" is something rappers do. Kinda like "pimp-slapping" or "Crip-walking." Maybe I should stick more to white people activities, like polo-playing, dinner-party-having, or minorities-oppressing.


Highbrow Answer: AIM
The only way people are going to find you on this bad boy is if you give them your screename. And even then it can be tricky. I'll be forever grateful to AIM for allowing me and my friends to be known as things like "KoolDudeSoccer," "PearlJamAcolyte32," and "HotGirlKisser74" for many of our formative middle school years.

Plus, check out the logo. It looks like a Keith Haring doodle. Nothing like switching on your favorite piece of software and being greeted by a little piece of modern art. Now THAT'S highbrow.

Best Coca-Cola Slogan?

Lowbrow Answer: "America's Favorite Moment" (1937)
Really? A Coke is America's favorite moment? I'm not so sure about that. I feel like on the list of an average American's "Favorite Moments," having a Coke is on page six, just above "giving the lint from my belly-button to somebody I love."

The best part about this slogan is that is came out during The Great Depression. A time during which Americans could barely afford a jug of milk for their kids, let alone a cold, refreshing bottle of Coke. Calling it "America's Favorite Moment" is like calling Polo "America's pastime." Idiots.


Middlebrow Answer: "Around the Corner from Anywhere" (1927)
Is it me, or does this sound like the name of a Hootie & The Blowfish album? This is the sort of vague attempt at semi-poetry that you hear from seventh grade English students or bad college songwriters. Coke should have sold his phrase to John Mayer. I bet he's really mad that he didn't think of it first.

I do like that if you take this slogan literally, there's Coke everywhere! Stuck at work? Don't worry! There's Coke around the corner! Robbing a bank? Have a Coke on your way out! Raping a sheep behind your neighbor's barn? Grab a cold Coke! Thanks, Coke! You're always there when I need you!


Highbrow Answer: "The Great National Temperance Beverage" (1906)
"Temperance" is defined as "moderation and self-restraint, as in behavior or expression." Remember the good old days when commercial products actually promoted moderation and restraint? Nowadays, it wouldn't surprise me to see an from Toyota telling me to drive drunk because that way I have a higher chance of destroying my Toyota and needing to buy another one. "The Toyota Prius: It's more fun when you're fucked up."

I'm not even sure what this really means. I feel like they could be talking about some kind of Holy water or something. The whole thing just sounds epic. I think I'm going to start calling my bed, "The Great National Temperance Sanctuary." Then maybe I'll finally get some women in there.

Best Retired Crayola Color?

Lowbrow Answer: Magic Mint (introduced in 1990, retired in 2003)
This one is so terrible it only lasted thirteen years. I'm not sure why they decided to suddenly associate the mint flavor with the color blue. Everybody knows that mint is green. It's part of the American flavor heritage. Grape is purple, lemon is yellow, licorice is black, and mint is green. Dumbasses. Next thing I know, you'll try to tell me that brown is cinnamon instead of poop.

"Magic" is one of those words that marketing people to use to make boring shit sound awesome. Kinda like "Super" or "Ultra." It's like dressing your crackhead, prostitute girlfriend in an evening gown before you take her to meet your parents. I can just picture it: "Hi mom and dad. This is my girlfriend, Ultra-Tanya."


Middlebrow Answer: Maize (introduced in 1949, retired in 1990)
What a nice earth tone this is. Reminds me of the sand on all the beaches I've been too that you wouldn't be able to pronounce, you prole filth. I bet most kids don't even know what this is and are confused about why a color would be named after a labyrinth. This is one of only seven colors of the standard 133 that has a 'Z' in it, and of those seven, it's the only one you'd want to use. The others all have dumb names like "Razzmatazz" or "Blizzard Blue" and look like the colors that a dog throws up after its eaten a pie.

I'd bet money that this was retired because somebody figured out that it's probably racist toward Native Americans. You might disagree with me on this, but remember, Crayola is the company that named a pink color "flesh." They are not the most accepting of minority cultures. I'm surprised this color isn't called "Broken Treaty" or "Smallpox Skin."


Highbrow Answer: Raw Umber (introduced in 1958, retired in 1990)
Now this is a color. Look at it. Absorb it. Taste it in your eye pallet. Feels like the kind of color you'd want for the binding of your biography, huh? That or the frame of your portrait that hangs in the Louvre after your die. Sorry, too late, I've got dibs on both. This color gives me a socialist boner. Can I get custom-made condoms in Raw Umber so that even my humppery is highbrow?

"Umber" is defined as an earth consisting chiefly of a hydrated oxide of iron and some oxide of manganese. So let me get this straight. You've got colors with names like "Cotton Candy" and "Wild Watermelon" and "Blush" but THIS is the one you choose to retire? Are you TRYING to be lowbrow swine? I'm insulted that this color ever had to sit in the same box with all the others. Couldn't it have had a separate little apartment on the back?

Best Spanish Painter?

Lowbrow Answer: Picasso
I feel like I'm reading a children's book with this guy. We get it. You put the nose above the eyes. How groundbreaking. Next thing we know, you'll be putting men in female clothing. Outrageous! Look, I just took a dump in my hand and drew a funny face on the canvas with it. Can we hang it next to Guernica?

Picasso's full name is Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso. No, really. What a douchebag. It's like those annoying upper middle class white women who hyphenate their names when they get married. Teabag me, Emily Robinson-Robideaux-Westingfield.


Middlebrow Answer: Goya
This guy was dark. Although, I guess that's to be expected when you live through Cholera, the Peninsular War, the Spanish Inquisition, and deafness. He is responsible for such works as Saturn Devouring his Son, Courtyard of Lunatics, and The Disasters. I'm sorry, but "Courtyard of Lunatics" is the coolest phrase I've ever heard. It sounds like a Radiohead album. Or a Dostoyevsky novel.

The problem with Goya is that he spent much of his early years working for the Spanish crown as the court's commissioned painter. There are few things more full of lazy ineptness and blue-blooded idiocy than a monarchy. Especially the Spanish one. Living in Spain during Goya's lifetime is like getting onto a schoolbus that's being driven by a Labrador retriever: you just know something could go horribly wrong at any moment.


Highbrow Answer: Dali
You have to hand it to any artist who basically spends his life mocking the established order of modern art. Not just a painter, Dali branched out into film, sculpture, and photography as well. His "Un Chien Andalou" is one of the first modern films and is famous for a scene in which a woman's eyeball is slashed with a razor. I'd say that's a pretty highbrow thing to be famous for. The only thing I'm famous for is the picture I drew in 3rd grade that won "Best Depiction of a Pig" at the Passaquitta County Fair.

Let's quickly recap some Dali highlights:
- His wife was senile and slowly poisoned him until he couldn't draw anymore.
- He made art critic Brian Sewell lie on a statue of Christ and masturbate for him in the late 60's.
- He dehydrated himself in a bizarre attempt to reach a state of suspended animation.
If those don't sound like tales from a the life of tortured highbrow genius, I don't know what does. Maybe I should marry a lunatic and have her poison me. Then my picture of a pig would be in the Prado.

Best Sexual Position?

Lowbrow Answer: Doggystyle
Hey dickhead, she's a woman, not a beagle. At least have the common courtesy to look her in the face while you're ramming your undersized man-rocket into her cave of wonders. And stop slapping her ass like you're testing out pork at a Georgia meat market. You aren't a butcher, you're an unemployed twenty-something with body odor and a bad haircut.

I personally make it a rule for myself never to do anything that more than 25% of rappers endorse. That's why I don't have gold teeth, don't drive a lowrider, don't fuck doggystyle, don't pass the courvoisier, and never put my hands in the air like I just don't care. I do care. And courvoisier tastes like paint thinner.


Middlebrow Answer: Missionary Position
Don't underestimate the classics. They're classics for a reason. Nice face-to-face contact, good angle for G-spot tickling, and a solid opportunity for some hair-pulling and back-scratching; those priests knew what they were doing back in the day.

Of course, this position is named after religion, and you know how those of us in the highbrow elite feel about religion. What are missionaries doing having sex anyway? I thought that was part of the vow of chastity. Does this mean there's some inconsistency in religion? No! Next thing you'll tell me is professional wrestling isn't real.


Highbrow Answer: Girl on Top
Now here's the money button. Just lay back, relax, and let your partner piledrive your gigglestick. Any highbrow man knows that subverting the societal norm of male dominance is always the right choice. Just look at Hannah Arendt or Marie Curie. On a side note, I bet Marie Curie would rock my fucking world. I can just picture her tying me to a bed and doing strange things to my peen-monster with uranium.

Remember, without putting a woman in charge, we would never have gotten signal flares, white-out, chocolate chip cookies, or push-up bras. And I'm sorry, but I just can't live without those last two.

Best Motorcycle Company?

Lowbrow Answer: Suzuki
I feel I'm riding a prop from The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. At any moment it could transform into a robotic dog and eat me. I know they're fast, but the motor is so wussy. It sounds like a vibrator on steroids when I rev the engine. I'm trying to look badass here, not make everybody think I'm riding a giant dildo on wheels.

Sport bikes as a whole are poorly designed. Look at the way you have to sit: all bent over forward. You're just asking to be hurled head-first over the handlebars and into a tree in that position. Although, considering the douchebags who generally own these bikes, maybe that's the point. Suzukis are Natural Selection's way of killing off morons.


Middlebrow Answer: Harley-Davidson
They're the benchmark of motorcycles around the world. Getting a new one requires applying to a waiting list in some cases. The bikes themselves have a design flaw in the engine dating back to when the company was founded that causes the pistons to fire at uneven intervals. It's that flaw that leads to the trademark Harley "growl" that the engines make. Baddass. Perfection born of imperfection.

Of course, most people who ride these things are inbred yocal hicks who voted for George W. Bush in the last three elections. (Yes, I'm aware he wasn't on the ballet in 2008. That's the point of the joke, dumbass.) I've never met more guys called "Bubba" than when I attended a Harley rally in New Hampshire a few years ago. Most of the women there had bigger guts than the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line. Although, to be fair, their mullets were pretty hot.


Highbrow Answer: Indian Scout
Created in 1901, this is America's first motorcycle. Used primarly in the 40's and 50's, the Indian Scout has become an almost mythic creature in the motorcycle world. Steve McQueen even owned a few. And I'm sorry, but anything Steve McQueen does is awesome. Look at the guy. What a legend. He could take a dump on my face and I'd thank him for it.

You may remember this bike as the one used by New Zealander Burt Munro to set a number of land speed records in the 1960's. If New Zealanders approve of it, it has to be highbrow. These are the same people who came up with the Haka and the All-Blacks rugby team. I wouldn't question their judgement, lest you feel the wrath of a thousand Maori warriors with facial tattoos.

Best Character from "Doug?"

Lowbrow Answer: Chalky Studebaker
Cut the sweetheart routine douchebag, you're not fooling anyone. You're the kind of guy who's going to grow up to be the president of some fraternity at Florida State. You'll probably get arrested your senior year for date-raping Beebe Bluff. And is that a letterman's sweater you're wearing? Are we suddenly in 1954?

You're talented at everything, except drawing. Big surprise. You can dunk a basketball and hit a homerun, but you have no idea about high culture or visual art. Meathead. It's idiots like you that kept thinkers and artists like me from getting laid in high school.


Middlebrow Answer: Patti Mayonnaise
Okay, so your mom is dead and your dad is in a wheelchair. Those broken dreams alone are enough to pull you up out of simple lowbrowdom. You also appreacite the fine arts and dance ballet. Most of all, your shortish haircut demonstrates some knowledge of women's liberation and progressive thinking. I know you're just a cartoon character, but I'd totally do you.

Of course, you're also kind of a bitch. Here's Doug, this sweet, wonderful dude, and you, of course, ignore his romantic advances. Reminds me of EVERY girl I knew in middle school. And what's with your outfit? Could you be any trampier? Your skirt is like two and a half feet above your knees. How do you expect to be taken seriously when you look like a child prostitute from Belgrade?


Highbrow Answer: Skeeter Valentine
What a legend. His skin is blue, his nose is huge, and he dresses like he's a model in some sort of neo-Japanese fashion show. You'll never see him with a girl, because he doesn't concern himself with the inane ramblings of middle-school females. He's too busy contemplating existence to worry about pedestrian activities like sex.

Skeeter's also a genius. No, literally. The more devoted of you will remember the episode when Doug goes to his house and discovers that Skeeter has been reading highbrow books on philosphy. In essence, he's an animated character who's spouting hypotheses on Kant's Critique of Pure Reason. You're a real human being and you can't even do that.