Best Band that Goes by an Acronym?

Lowbrow Answer: BTO
As if Canada weren't already lowbrow enough by calling its dollar the "Loonie," they're also home to BTO. Or as I like to call them, "Please turn this shit off, it's hurting my ears." This is one of those crappy "classic rock" bands that your dad likes because it reminds him of that time when he was younger and his penis still worked.

Their biggest hits are "Taking Care of Business" and "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet." Really? Those are your hits? Are you just writing music specifically to be used in Toyota commercials? And what's with all the stuttering? "B-b-baby you j-j-just ain't seen n-n-nothing yet?" B-b-blow M-m-me.


Middlebrow Answer: REM
You can't really dispute their impact on alternative music. Without them, you don't get Nirvana, Radiohead, Pearl Jam, or Coldplay. Okay, so we could do without that last one, but still. You get the point.

Then again, I feel like Michael Stipe writes his lyrics by just stringing together various words he hears at ninth grade poetry slams: "My heart is a heart and big clouds rain down water in the rainfall waters glow like sunny skies in my eyes and my love for you is a badger." Come on, Stipe. There's gotta be something better than that in that shiny dome of yours.


Highbrow Answer: KMFDM
Ever heard of these guys? Probably not if you don't like early German industrial music. This band is so highbrow that they were formed in 1984 to provide live music for a piece of weird German performance art which is, in and of itself, highbrow. The letters stand for "Kein Mehrheit Für Die Mitleid", which loosely translates to "no mercy for the masses". Marx would be jerking off to these guys if he were still alive today.

KMFDM has been demonized in the media for supposedly contributing to not one, not two, but three separate school shootings, including Columbine. In each case, the shooters listed KMFDM as a favorite band. And while school shootings are tragic and shitty, if people are trying to blame them on your band, then you're probably saying some shit that nobody wants to hear. Kinda like Martin Luther and the Catholic Church. Hiiiiiighbrow.

Best Tetris Piece?

Lowbrow Answer: The "T"
This piece is such a slut. You can fit her in anywhere, the dirty cow. She loves it any way you want to give it to her: right side up, upside down, on her side. If there were Nintendo porn, Yoshi, Mega Man, Bowser, Metroid, and Link would be having a field day with this piece, if you understand what I'm saying.

The "T" is like that vaguely attractive girl you knew in high school who hooked up with all the football and hockey players: she'll make out with anybody as long as it helps her fit in.


Middlebrow Answer: The Long One
Anybody else see phallic imagery here? Especially when you slam this piece down into a hole to get a Tetris. All the lights flash, the score goes crazy, and the little 8-bit sirens blare; it's one big digital orgasm.

This piece is the key to the whole game when you stand it up, but is utterly useless when you lay it down. It's such a drastic turnaround. It's like how Jimmy Fallon is totally endearing and funny one moment, and I want to strangle him with a garden hose the next. I can't handle that type of inconsistency. It frays my fragile socialist nerves.


Highbrow Answer: The Block
This bad boy changes for no man. Rotate him 400 times, he'll always look the same. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. He's too busy sipping high-end whiskey and smoking a pipe to worry about how you can't fit him into whatever mess you've made of the screen.

Using the block is like inheriting a pet Stegosaurus: he'll be fun and interesting if you make room for him, but he can really make a mess of things if you haven't prepared for his arrival.

Best Member of my Family?

Lowbrow Answer: Me
Look at me. I line my shelves with foreign DVDs, Radiohead is my favorite band, I pretend to enjoy reading Adorno, and I write a pretentious blog each day that tries to classify society using pseudo-intelligence. I'm the epitome of a blue-collar prole trying desperately to fake elitist sensibilities. I'm like that tramp Anne Boleyn.

Need more evidence? Here are some things I enjoy: Dancing in hip-hop clubs, "Smokin' Aces," fireworks, boobs, Applebees, Laguna Beach, ESPN.com, Seal's song "Love's Divine," NASCAR Racing, and rugby tackles. Say it with me now: low. brow.


Middlebrow Answer: My Parents, Paul and Paula
My mom went back to school at the age of 50 to get not one, but two masters degrees. What a monster. She's the CFO of a new company and slaps corporate tax law around like it were a red-headed stepchild. My dad designed high-tech machines that measured the interaction between radiation and matter as a function of wavelength, given energy as a variable once the relationship E = hν for photons was realized. It's called spectroscopy. You may it by its other name: "What-are-you-talking-about-what-the-hell-is-a-photon?"

The problem with my parents is that they're too happy. They bought some land in New Hampshire, built a house on it, and like to watch the sunset. They spent their evenings playing cards and relaxing instead of discussing the dialectic of commerce in 17th century Ireland or writing papers on the Greco-Turkish cultural diaspora. Basically, they smiled too much. Come on Moms and Pops, put down those Vodka-Tonics and pick up a copy of "The Communist Manifesto." You've got work to do.


Highbrow Answer: My Brother and Sister-in-Law, Greg and Emily
There are few things more highbrow than being paid to study, but that's just what The University of Michigan does for my brother. And it's not one of those bullshit PhD's like English Literature or Psychology. It's in something called Operations Research, which encompasses stuff like measure theory and stochastics. Basically, the kid does math so highbrow that it doesn't even involve numbers. Good lord.

Oh, and if that weren't enough, he's married to a woman who is just as good at math as he is. She also gets paid to study, only with her, it's for those actuarial exams that are impossible to pass. I'm terrified that their offspring will be some kind of super babies that will take over the world at the age of seven and enslave us all, forcing us to do long division in deep caves until our eyes melt.

Best Form of Government?

Lowbrow Answer: Democracy
Of the people, by the people, for the people? Which people? Because most of the ones I encounter have no idea what the hell they're talking about. This is the country where a third of the population doesn't believe in science because Jesus tells them it's a bad idea. Giving Americans the power to govern themselves is like giving a drunk three-year-old the keys to your car and telling him to get you to work; it's not going to end well.

This shit also takes too long. Anything that you want to get done is a month-long process of votes, hearings, panels, and discussions. Congress is just summer camp for grownup white men, except they're served shrimp and Perrier at lunch instead of hot dogs and bug juice.


Middlebrow Answer: Dictatorship
Stuff gets done quickly, there are lots of parades, and your country starts putting badass logos like iron eagles or death skulls all over everything. Cooooool. Plus, do we really need freedom of speech? For every intelligent person that has something to say, there are twelve jackoffs who want to rant about Britney Spears or cheese-in-a-can. I'm happy to keep my ideas to myself if it shuts them up.

Of course, the problem here is that the dictator himself is always a whiny bitch. Whether it's Hitler ("Wah, nobody loves me and my painting is unappreciated"), Mussolini ("Wah, nobody loves me and my last name sounds like pasta"), or Stalin ("Wah, nobody loves me and my mustache is too bushy"), you always get some crazy lunatic in charge who wants to kill a bunch of people. No, thanks.


Highbrow Answer: Oligarchy
Why have only one king when you can have two? An Oligarchy basically ensures that only elitist, well-educated people have a say in the government. Sounds highbrow to me. Oligarchy is great because if anybody says something moronic, you can just kick them out of the government. If only we had that power in this country after that whole "Freedom Fry" affair.

The most famous Oligarchy in history is Sparta, which had two kings and five elders to run the land. You remember Sparta, right? It's that place where all the men are trained to be muscley death machines from birth and where all the women have jobs and are educated? Where commerce flourished, the arts were appreciated, and the literacy rate was somewhere around 99 percent? No? You don't remember? What about Sir Thomas Moore's famous book "Utopia?" That's an oligarchy too. Highbrow, huh? You don't remember that one either? God, you're a moron. Good thing you have no say in this government.

Best Way to See Porn?

Lowbrow Answer: Download it Online
This is so boring. Where's the thrill? Downloading porn is like taking candy from a baby when there's nobody around to stop you; it's too easy. Everyone knows that a stolen lollipop tastes better when you steal it from under the nose of a watchful mother, not when you find it on the ground.

The other problem with downloading porn is that you only ever get clips. How am I supposed to know what happens to the horny plumber and the slutty housewife if all I get of the story is them humping on a washing machine? What about her husband? Will she leave her children? Will the plumber finally finish his night school classes and get his degree in Anal Fuckology?


Middlebrow Answer: Buy it from a Store
I like the idea of having the "Cum Dumpster 7" DVD on your shelf right next to "Rush Hour 2" and "The Usual Suspects." Buying porn is bold. It shows you have some knowledge of the genre, given you're willing to own certain titles permanently: "Yes, I do enjoy Peter North's early work, but I feel that his teabagging has lost its luster in recent years."

The problem here is the act of buying the DVD itself is sometimes a bit strange. You're standing in line at the adult video store across from the airport, an overweight, sweaty dude is in front of you, and he's carrying the entire "Ass Spelunking: The Cave of Wonders" series, and you have a slight erection from the video screens in the store that are playing footage of two blond lesbians rimming each other. Not exactly an upper-class experience, methinks.


Highbrow Answer: Go to a Theater
Does anybody even do this anymore? There's a theater in Los Angeles that I drive by all the time, but I've never seen anybody going in or coming out. Maybe the showings are all at midnight. Or even better, maybe they're all at 11.30 in the morning when everyone's at work. Only then do the upper elite porn socialites come out in their ball gowns and tuxedos for a screening of "The Pretty Titty Committee." Classy.

Watching porn in a theater is so intense. You get some Milk Duds and a Sprite on the way in and you sit down and watch people fuck each other for 2 hours with no pause button and no privacy. Sound kinda weird and not very much fun? That's exactly why it's highbrow.

Best American Flag?

Lowbrow Answer: The American Flag
We're so boring. Other countries have pictures of animals or weird writing on their flags. What do we have? Horizontal bars. Awesome. And the shitty thing is that our flag is totally temporal. Every time we add a state, the design has to change. We're as flighty as that cooky Scarlett Johansson in every Woody Allen film she's ever been in.

The really silly part is that our flag looks almost identical to other world flags. Here we are claiming to be the most awesome and unique country on the planet and we're marching under a banner that people could mistake for Malaysia's. God damn you, Betsy Ross. Why didn't you sew a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex holding a Bazooka and reading a Playboy on the flag like I wanted? Now THAT would have been an American Fucking Flag.


Middlebrow Answer: The Bedford Flag
This flag was carried at the Battle of Concord in 1775. The inscription reads, "Conquer or Die." Imagine how awesome America would be if we all still thought like that in our daily lives: "Fix the economy or die." "Build a car that gets 120 mpg or die." "Figure out a way to deep-fry a Popsicle or die."

This flag is, however, kinda pink. And the armor on the arm makes it seem like the American Revolution was fought in 1328. The original is housed in the Bedford, Massachusetts Town Library, which probably means it's only ever seen by upper-middle class 5th graders on field trips.


Highbrow Answer: The Serapis Flag
The Serapis flag was flown by John Paul Jones on his boat of the same name. Jones was the original American Naval hero, careening around the Atlantic kicking the shit out of British ships. He was a 'Marauder' in the "I'm a blood-thirsty pirate who pillages foreign vessels and slaughters tyrant military officers" sense of the word, not in the "I'm a dopey kid from New Mexico who plays tight end for the Alacoma High School Marauders" way.

The best part of this flag was that it was given to John Paul Jones by Benjamin Franklin. Franklin loved the "work" that Jones was doing on behalf of the colonies, and wanted to make sure everyone knew that it was America who was sinking all those English ships. Benjamin Franklin giving you your own American flag is like Lebron James and Kobe Bryant starting their own NBA team and choosing you as their starting center.

Best Comedian?

Lowbrow Answer: Dane Cook
Here's every Dane Cook bit you've ever heard: "Roar! Loud noises! Hooking up with girls! Roar!" Funny, right? Where the hell did we get this guy. I'm even from where he's from (Boston-ish) and I can't stand him. Dane Cook is basically the Michael Bay of Comedy: There are lots of explosions but nothing really happens.

And look at the guy's film credits. "My Best Friend's Girl?" "Employee of the Month?" "Good Luck Chuck?" I feel like I'm just listing Razzie Award-winners. Even Eddie Murphy has done better with his post stand-up career, and he was in "The Adventures of Pluto Nash." Stop doing films, Dane. You have the skill set of a rodeo clown.

Middlebrow Answer: Bill Cosby
The best thing about Cosby is that his stories were so good that even when they weren't spot-on funny, they were interesting. And while he may lack the edge of Pryor or Carlin, he was still able to make you laugh without it. It's like if you were about to fight an African Lion and somebody offered you a sword as a weapon but you took a toothbrush instead. And still won.

That being said, his sweaters are ridiculous. And Jello? Come on man, you're better than that. His later career spiralled downward into children's cartoons and silly reality shows like "Kids say the Darndest Things." What happened, Cosby? Did you get Brain Damage?


Highbrow Answer: Andy Kaufman
I don't even know what this guy was talking about half the time he was on stage. It's kinda like how I feel when I'm reading Marx. He sings animal songs, he does weird voices, and he stares off into space a lot. Reminds me of that weird kid Conlan that used to sit in the back class in 5th grade. Everbody knows one of those kids. Kaufman is Conlan, all grown up.

Plus he was on the first episode ever of Saturday Night Live, and that alone makes him pretty legendary. The Mighty Mouse bit is one of the best sketches I've ever seen. You don't agree? You like Chris Kattan better? Maybe Will Ferrell? You're an idiot. Stop talking.