Best Tetris Piece?

Lowbrow Answer: The "T"
This piece is such a slut. You can fit her in anywhere, the dirty cow. She loves it any way you want to give it to her: right side up, upside down, on her side. If there were Nintendo porn, Yoshi, Mega Man, Bowser, Metroid, and Link would be having a field day with this piece, if you understand what I'm saying.

The "T" is like that vaguely attractive girl you knew in high school who hooked up with all the football and hockey players: she'll make out with anybody as long as it helps her fit in.


Middlebrow Answer: The Long One
Anybody else see phallic imagery here? Especially when you slam this piece down into a hole to get a Tetris. All the lights flash, the score goes crazy, and the little 8-bit sirens blare; it's one big digital orgasm.

This piece is the key to the whole game when you stand it up, but is utterly useless when you lay it down. It's such a drastic turnaround. It's like how Jimmy Fallon is totally endearing and funny one moment, and I want to strangle him with a garden hose the next. I can't handle that type of inconsistency. It frays my fragile socialist nerves.


Highbrow Answer: The Block
This bad boy changes for no man. Rotate him 400 times, he'll always look the same. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. He's too busy sipping high-end whiskey and smoking a pipe to worry about how you can't fit him into whatever mess you've made of the screen.

Using the block is like inheriting a pet Stegosaurus: he'll be fun and interesting if you make room for him, but he can really make a mess of things if you haven't prepared for his arrival.

Best Mario Kart Racer?

Lowbrow Answer: Yoshi
What the hell IS Yoshi? He looks like a strange mix between a horse and a gecko, but I can't be sure. His driving abilities are fine, but let's face it, he's Mario's bitch. An Italian plumber douchebag rides him around everywhere making him eat things. Sounds like a frat house initiation.

Yoshi's secret weapon is an egg. So let me get this straight. Mario and Luigi can turn invincible, the princess can SHRINK me, and you're throwing eggs? Really? Good luck with that. I'm surprised the Horse-Gecko Christian Right isn't all over your ass for such a blatant disregard of future Yoshis.


Middlebrow Answer: Koopa Troopa
This little guy is agile as fuck and accelerates like he's got nitrous in his go-cart. I can just picture him street racing against Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. He's also a soldier, which means he's making a fair wage and has some advanced training in killing people. Good for him.

The downside is that he's a bald turtle who takes orders from an overweight velociraptor. He's too busy serving the Evil Reptile Army and kidnapping blonde women in pink dresses to really educate himself and make a play toward gaining true highbrow status.


Highbrow Answer: Bowser
It takes a long time to master driving with this beast, but anything that seems impossible at first is probably highbrow. Ever tried to read Heidegger? See my point? Bower's top speed is ridiculous, he can run bitches over, and his victory music sounds like a low-fi collaboration between Rammstein and Daft Punk.

And oh yeah, he's a DRAGON. When was the last time YOU shit out a fireball while driving at 80 mph?