Best Solution for the Treyvon Martin Incident?

Lowbrow Answer: Do Nothing
Hey, George Zimmerman. Yeah, you. The pudgy shithead with the itchy trigger finger. I hate to break it to you, it's not 1878 anymore. Rhodesia is no longer a country. We cured Polio. Our national pastime has been changed from "Slaughtering Native Americans" to "Baseball." Oh, and black dudes count as whole people now. So keep it in your pants the next time you see a kid armed with what you're sure is a lethal bag of Skittles.

George, a Scorpio, enjoys long walks on the beach, red wine, and racism.

How was this asshole not arrested the moment Treyvon Martin hit the ground? If their races had been reversed - if Zimmerman were black and Martin were anything but black - the entire Republican party would have declared war on Africa. Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum would have been talking about how it's time to "Get rid of those dark-skinned negroids once and for all." Instead, Martin bleeds on the sidewalk while Zimmerman gets a 2-for-1 hotdog deal from 7-11 on his way home from the incident.

Middlebrow Answer: Arrest, Try, and Sentence George Zimmerman
This is going to sound crazy, but hear me out. What if we all got together and designed a system that would help protect common citizens from crime. And we could write up a bunch of rules that we all agree to live by. And when somebody broke one of those rules, we could, I don't know, like, capture them and make them explain what they did. And if their explanation wasn't good enough, then we could, and I'm just spitballing here, we could take away their freedom for some period of time. Man, I wish we lived in a country that had something like that. That would be awesome.

To Protect and Serve (White People)

Hey, Florida Police Department. I know most of you are just ignorant trailer trash whose only credentials for being a cop is a degree in Date Rape from Florida State, but come on. A kid is dead. At least arrest the idiot who shot him and, I dunno, ask him what happened? I promise, the Dolphins game will still be on when you get back.

Highbrow: Nuke Florida
Let's be honest. We're all thinking it. Sure, we'd lose a few grandparents in the process, but come on. Grandparents are sort of shitty. They smell funny, they think 25 cents is A LOT of money, and they always give you things like pencil holders or trapper-keepers for your birthday. (Grandma, how many pencils do you think I own that I need a three liter pencil case?) Nuke Florida and we successfully wipe out whole herds of gun-toting morons just like George Zimmerman. Seems like a win-win to me.

Florida: The dangling turd on the ass of America

How much better would America be without Florida, you ask? Let's see. We get rid of $23 billion (with a B) worth of state debt. N*Sync, Wesley Snipes, and Fred Durst never exist. Al Gore wins the 2004 presidential election. The Jacksonville Jaguars, Florida Panthers, and Miami Marlins all sink into the ocean. Sure, there are other states I'd be MORE interested in dropping a bomb onto (I'm looking at you, Mississippi), but Florida seems like a great place to start.

Best Sea?

Lowbrow Answer: The Dead Sea
It's wholly devoid of any interesting wildlife, you can't pee in it because the salt will sting your naughty parts, and it's teeming with nothing but wealthy American Jewish kids on their "Birthright" trips. Gee, sounds like a real party. Where do I sign up? The big selling point for The Dead Sea is that it's really salty, which means you can float in it. Whoopee. Floating in water. How unique. I can't wait to try it. Oh wait, I can try it. I can try it in ANY BODY OF WATER ON EARTH.

A school of tourists (Touristae Obnoxium) swims by

The Dead Sea is on the border between Israel and Jordan, which puts it smack dab in the center of a whimsical playground I like to call "The Middle East." What a fun place. Come for the fanatical religion, stay for the oppression and beheadings. I'm so bored of this region. Either get over your shit and have peace, or sack up and go to war. Just pick one and let's get on with it.

Middlebrow Answer: The East Siberian Sea
I'll give you one guess what country this one is next to (No, "Siberia" is not a country, jackass). The East Siberian Sea is known for its arctic temperatures, shallow waters, and frequent fogs. Its shores have also been used as a place for reindeer husbandry by a number of native tribes. So. To summarize. It's quiet. It's pretty. It's clean. And you can watch reindeer humping. I'm in.

Can you spot all six polar bears? (Hint: No, you can't)

In the 1930's, the areas along the edges of The East Siberian Sea were used as internment camps for prisoners of the oppressive Gulag System. The Gulag System, for all you philistines out there, was a method by which enemies of the Soviet state were worked to death in a series of remote labor facilities. "The Gulag System" is also potentially the greatest name ever conceived for a Brooklyn hipster band.

Highbrow Answer: The Salton Sea
Totally remote, post-apocalyptic landscape? Check. Piles of fish corpses? Check. Grimy, pollutant-laden sludge water? Check. This place has everything. I think I might take my honeymoon here. Nothing says romance like sludge water and piles of fish corpses. Although I'll have to be careful. If there were ever going to be a place where I'd get attacked by some kind of mutant lagoon monster with a taste for human meat, this would be it.

For Sale: Two bedroom, one bath. Fixer-Upper.

The Salton Sea was a bustling resort area back in the 1920's when it had, well, water in it. But a changing environment combined with a shifting flow of agricultural runoff has left it dry and abandoned. The only people left in the region are local hillbillies and social misfits. Awesome. I've been looking for a bleak place where I can lose all my teeth and sit in a rocking chair shouting incoherently at the sun.

Best Solution to the National Contraception Debate?

Lowbrow Answer: Let Men Decide
You're going to hold a congressional panel on contraception and you aren't going to invite any women? You're kidding, right? Am I on Candid Camera? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. It's like asking the cast of "Jersey Shore" to present a paper on thermonuclear dynamics. This is America. We invented amazing things like the clock, and the radio, and the clock-radio. You'd think we'd be smarter than that. And you'd be wrong.

"Then it's agreed. We all like boobs."

If men are going to make this decision, can we all agree that it should be liberal men? They're the ones having all the premarital sex in this country. At least they know what a vagina looks, feels, and (if they're taking care of business) tastes like. Conservative guys have only ever seen one through the hole in the sheet they use for baby-making. Most of them think "Fallopian Tubes" is a ride at Sea World.

Middlebrow Answer: Let Women Decide
Here's a crazy idea. How about we let the people with vaginas decide what should be done about all the vaginas. When your car breaks down, you don't take it to a dentist because one of his patients is a mechanic. You take it straight to the mechanic. You get what I'm saying? I know that women can be crazy sometimes, like in sixth grade when Katie Reagan kissed me on the bus but then held hands with Shaun Quinlan at the football game like only an hour later, but trust me - they can manage this one.

Equality and red bandanas for all!

Men are afraid that if they let women handle this issue, we'll all find out that women are way better at politics and law-making than men are. They're compassionate. They listen. They share their emotions. Sure they cry too easily and they suck at peeing in the snow, but nobody's perfect. Think about it this way. If we let women handle politics, it'd leave more time for us guys to do guy stuff. Like dunking basketballs or starting wars.

Highbrow Answer: Sterilize Everyone
Let's be honest. Mankind had its shot, and we blew it. Global warming, genocide, nuclear weapons, the Kardashians. And that's just in the last 200 years. Imagine what horrors we'll unleash upon the planet in coming centuries. Clearly, this world would be better off without us. Especially those of us who insist on strapping their cell phones to their belts like they're carrying some kind of deadly sidearm. The world would be REALLY better off without them.

Oh god, it's got my finger! Somebody grab a rifle!

Seems to me that contraception is all about children, and here's the thing about children: they're shitty. They cry all the time, they never sleep, and they poop in their pants. If you really want that wandering around your house, why not just adopt a meth addict? Save you the trouble of pushing a bowling ball out through your lady-hole. How about we all tie our tubes and have some fun for a change.

Best Ethnic Holiday?

Lowbrow Answer: St. Patrick's Day
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you aren't Irish. I know your last name is O'Brien and you have a bunch of freckles and you really like the Boston Celtics, but you aren't Irish. I don't care how many pounds of green eye-liner you're wearing or how many friends you have named "Sully." Cillian Murphy? He's Irish. Robbie Keane? He's Irish. The Lucky Charms Leprechaun. Irish. Dipshit fratboy from suburban Massachusetts wearing a green Red Sox uniform? Not Irish.

Nothing says St. Patty's like a drunk Asian girl

I don't care if your ancestors grew up in Dublin or Cork or O'KennyFlanniganGalway. You aren't your ancestors. Otherwise I'd be a four-foot-two Greek goat farmer with syphilis. Just like my Great Uncle δεδηλωμένη. But I'm not. I've never even owned a goat.

Middlebrow Answer: Cinco de Mayo
At least this holiday is based on something more than just being from somewhere. It commemorates the 1862 Battle of Puebla, in which the Mexican army defeated the heavily favored French. Ah, the French. You can always count on them to lose a war. Even if it's against a country whose favorite TV shows involve grown men dressing up as toddlers.

"Oh, Jorge! You do such a nice job mowing our lawn! Now get out of here."

Of course, as with most things in this world, Cinco de Mayo has been ruined by white people. For every Mexican-American trying to honor the memory of his or her heroic ancestors, there are five Arizona State sorority girls in Corona bathing suits doing shots of tequila and mispronouncing words like "Quesadilla" and "Empanadas" and "Mexico." Damn you, white people. Damn you and your racial oppression and your imperialism and your golden retrievers.

Highbrow Answer: Civil Rights Day
Look, I love Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. as much as the next guy. We'd totally be friends if he were still alive and I weren't so terrified of black people. But he's not the only guy that had a hand in this country's civil rights movement. You may have heard of a dude called Malcolm X. Or this nice lady I know, Rosa Parks. Or any of the other hundreds of similar activists. Like, I get it. Martin Luther King is the Lebron James of civil rights. But the team is still called the Miami Heat, you know what I'm saying?

And at power forward, Chris Bosh!

The last state to have "Civil Rights Day" instead of "Martin Luther Day" was New Hampshire, until it was changed in 1999. New Hampshire is such a conundrum. One day, its legislators introduce a bill that would allow store owners to refuse business to gays, and the next, it's open-minded enough to recognize the entire Civil Rights struggle instead of just one man. Make up your mind, Granite State. Are you a bastion of no-seatbelt-wearing, gun-toting prejudiced hicks, or the last outpost of true progressive, free-thinking, independent libertarians?

Best Republican Candidate for 2012?

Lowbrow Answer: Rick Perry/Mitt Romney/Newt Gingrich/Herman Cain/Michelle Bachmann/Rick Santorum/Ron Paul
Add two more lunatics to this list and we could field an idiot softball team. Where are the Republicans getting these people? Are they just trolling Wal-Mart parking lots, offering yocals candy if they'll come to the White House? I understand that, by nature, conservatives are a little backwards, but is this really the best we can do? I would elect most of the Muppets and all of the Teletubbies before any one of these candidates.

My border fence is bigger than your border fence.

This year's class of Republicans is proof that "crazy" is contagious. Have you seen the debates? It's like watching a group of puppies all trying to catch their own tail at once. They should just throw all the candidates into a cage match and give the last one standing the nomination. I bet it would be Bachmann: lunacy that strong is unstoppable.

Middlebrow Answer: Jon Huntsman
Okay, sure. He's a Mormon. Which means he's racist, homophobic, and overzealous. But this is the Republican party. Everyone is racist, homophobic, and overzealous. You have to punch an agnostic black lesbian just to get your membership card. At least Huntsman is intelligent. He believes in evolution and global warming. He graduated from an Ivy League university. He thinks chemistry and biology are "sciences" and not "magic."

If you're Mormon and you know it, clap your hands

Huntsman also speaks fluent Chinese and has adopted children from both China and India. Which means he realizes that there are countries outside of North America. That's a big step for a Republican candidate. Most of them think China and India are made-up fantasy lands, like Narnia or Djibouti.

Highbrow Answer: An Emperor Penguin
He's classy. He's regal. He's wearing a tuxedo. Right away, he's already a better option than most Republican candidates. Not to mention the fact that he's not a backwoods redneck, he doesn't think Jesus makes the sun come up every morning, and he doesn't own a house in Texas called "Niggerhead Ranch." I'd vote for him, and I'm a democrat.

Read. My. Lips. No. New. Taxes.

At this point, the Republican party has gotten so bad that I'd just be happy to have somebody who won't start World War III. Sure, an Emperor Penguin doesn't speak English and has no opposable thumbs, but at least he won't embarrass our country by doing something stupid like bombing Iraq or choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate.

Best Use of Animals in Warfare?

Lowbrow Answer: Carrier Pigeons
Let me get this straight. You have a vital message to send to your commanding officer, and you attach it to a pigeon? Seriously? Do you want to lose the war? Are you trying to get shot and killed? You're taking the future of your entire country and strapping it to the back of what is essentially a rat with wings? Boy. No wonder they don't let you near the grenades.

Email, circa 1940

In order to take down carrier pigeons before they could deliver their messages, many platoons bred and trained hawks to hunt and kill the winged couriers. Hey, guys. Here's an idea. Why not attach the message to the hawk. Or better yet, attach it to a raptor. I guarantee it'll get through then. I don't care how many panzer tanks you have - those things can open doors with their claws.


Middlebrow Answer: War Elephants
Yes, these are real. And yes, I'm getting one. I bet my upstairs neighbor will stop complaining about my music after I trample his living room and ram a tusk through his Beagle. The most famous war elephants belonged to Hannibal, who used them in the Second Punic War to cross the Alps. (Consequently, Hannibal died shortly after the crossing of being way too awesome.)

Excuse me while I shit myself

But how the hell do you take care of these things out on the warpath? They drink, like, 839 gallons of water a day. Their poop is the size of a Buick. Are you lugging around truckloads of peanuts to feed them? What if they accidentally step on some of your troops? What if one of them has really big ears and wears a little yellow hat and a neck ruffle and what if he learns to fly and gives away your position?


Highbrow Answer: Bombardier Bats
No, I'm not making this up. The Americans came up with it during World War II. The idea is simple. You strap small bombs to a bunch of bats. You then release those bats over an enemy city at dawn. As the sun comes up, the bats retreat into houses and buildings to sleep during the day. At which point, you ignite the bombs and start fires all over the city. Oh god, this is so awesome. Fuck you, 7th grade bullies - history IS cool.

So cuddly and destructive

Can we just go ahead and agree that bats are the coolest animals ever? They blow up buildings, they can see in the dark, they sleep upside down, they're the only mammals that can fly (and not just glide), and they can get as big as 4 feet across. You heard me: four fucking feet. Imagine that flying at you. I mean, come on. Bats are so awesome that even their poop is worth money. Suck it, penguins.

Best Halloween Costume?

Lowbrow Answer: "Sexy" Anything
Listen, sweetheart. I know you've got really low self-esteem because your ex-frat-boy boyfriend would rather watch NFL games than have sex with you, but do we really need to see you squeeze your formerly perky ass into a pair of black booty shorts so that you can tell everyone you're a "cat?" Newsflash: cats don't wear high heels or have a bellybutton piercing or get drunk on two Smirnoff Ices. (Well, okay, maybe that last one is true - I have no idea how many Smirnoff Ices it takes to get a cat wasted.)

I like boobs and ass and low self-confidence as much as the next guy, but come on. If I wanted to see some girl's naughty-bits in public, I'd just drop a roofie in her vodka-soda and then drag her outside. Problem solved.

Middlebrow Answer: "Scary" Anything
At least these outfits are on theme. Halloween, if you'll remember, is supposed to be about ghouls and ghosts and shit. It's not supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be terrifying and horrifying and poop-in-your-pants-ifying. You should be dressing up as scary things. Stuff like zombies and monsters and catholic priests and my Uncle Rod who used to force all of us kids to take mustache rides at Easter. *shiver*
I'm not sure when we lost track of the true meaning of Halloween and veered off the track into superheroes and pop singers and eating 9 pounds of candy in one day. Probably around the same time we changed Christmas from "the birth of our Lord and Savior" to "Fuck you, give me that Tickle-Me-Elmo or I'll shove a lawnmower up your ass."


Highbrow Answer: "Abstract" Anything
For my money, the best Halloween costumes take explaining. A lot of explaining. I like it when a costume requires a lecture or a history lesson or a pie graph for me to understand it. At least then I'm learning something.
For full highbrow points this year, the best costume would require dressing up as one of of the following things:

- 14th Century German Nihilism
- Hubris
- The Japanese Commodities Market
- Any Color From the Infrared Spectrum
- The Soul of a Cheetah
- Chapter 14 from Betrand Russell's "The Amberly Papers"
- Doubt