Best Solution to the National Contraception Debate?

Lowbrow Answer: Let Men Decide
You're going to hold a congressional panel on contraception and you aren't going to invite any women? You're kidding, right? Am I on Candid Camera? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. It's like asking the cast of "Jersey Shore" to present a paper on thermonuclear dynamics. This is America. We invented amazing things like the clock, and the radio, and the clock-radio. You'd think we'd be smarter than that. And you'd be wrong.

"Then it's agreed. We all like boobs."

If men are going to make this decision, can we all agree that it should be liberal men? They're the ones having all the premarital sex in this country. At least they know what a vagina looks, feels, and (if they're taking care of business) tastes like. Conservative guys have only ever seen one through the hole in the sheet they use for baby-making. Most of them think "Fallopian Tubes" is a ride at Sea World.

Middlebrow Answer: Let Women Decide
Here's a crazy idea. How about we let the people with vaginas decide what should be done about all the vaginas. When your car breaks down, you don't take it to a dentist because one of his patients is a mechanic. You take it straight to the mechanic. You get what I'm saying? I know that women can be crazy sometimes, like in sixth grade when Katie Reagan kissed me on the bus but then held hands with Shaun Quinlan at the football game like only an hour later, but trust me - they can manage this one.

Equality and red bandanas for all!

Men are afraid that if they let women handle this issue, we'll all find out that women are way better at politics and law-making than men are. They're compassionate. They listen. They share their emotions. Sure they cry too easily and they suck at peeing in the snow, but nobody's perfect. Think about it this way. If we let women handle politics, it'd leave more time for us guys to do guy stuff. Like dunking basketballs or starting wars.

Highbrow Answer: Sterilize Everyone
Let's be honest. Mankind had its shot, and we blew it. Global warming, genocide, nuclear weapons, the Kardashians. And that's just in the last 200 years. Imagine what horrors we'll unleash upon the planet in coming centuries. Clearly, this world would be better off without us. Especially those of us who insist on strapping their cell phones to their belts like they're carrying some kind of deadly sidearm. The world would be REALLY better off without them.

Oh god, it's got my finger! Somebody grab a rifle!

Seems to me that contraception is all about children, and here's the thing about children: they're shitty. They cry all the time, they never sleep, and they poop in their pants. If you really want that wandering around your house, why not just adopt a meth addict? Save you the trouble of pushing a bowling ball out through your lady-hole. How about we all tie our tubes and have some fun for a change.

Best Reason to Hate Somebody?

Lowbrow Answer: Because of their Race
Are you kidding me with this? What are you, five? Being racist hasn't been cool since the 1950's, and even then it was fucking lame. Grow up. Minorities are great. Without them, we wouldn't have this little thing called ALL OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION. Sorry to break it to you, but mankind started in Africa and then spread to Asia. So just remember, the next time you lay your racist white head down to sleep, that some ancient ancestor of yours was probably a black man from China named Muhammad Abbas.

The worst part about racists is how afraid they are to admit it. They'll scream the "N" word at the top of their lungs until there are actual black people around. Then they're quiet as can be. Cowards. If you're going to be racist, at least have the stones to take off your stupid white hood and wander around in a Nazi SS uniform, waving the Confederate flag, and carrying your lynchin' rope. At least then you won't be a racist prick and a pussy.


Middlebrow: Because of their Religion
I'm usually pretty anti-religion, but I'm not going to hate somebody just because they talk to an invisible man that they believe lives in the sky. That's more funny than it is threatening. I mean, how can you hate a Buddhist? They just sit there and agree with anything you say. Or a Unitarian Universalist? Those guys are amazing. I told them I wanted to worship Radiohead as my new God and they had their organist play "Ideoteque" after last week's sermon. Genius.

On the other hand, some religions are just plain stupid. The Mormons think black people aren't going to Heaven. The Scientologists think God is coming to rescue them in a spaceship. Evangelicals think Jesus rode a Tyrannosaur through the streets of Jerusalem. I have no tolerance for that type of idiocy. You can hate those people all you want.


Highbrow Answer: Because They're Breathing
Have you ever noticed that everyone you know is an idiot? Yeah, me too. Even if they're smart about one thing, they're a moron about something else. Like Nobel scientists who are religious, or brilliant musicians who name their kids after tropical fruits. Just save yourself the trouble and buy a shotgun. Sit on your porch, and if anyone comes by, blow their brains out. Whoever it was, they deserved it, I promise.

People blow. We start wars, we rape the planet, we slaughter animals, and we produce shows like "Jersey Shore" and "The Bachelor." No wonder God hates us. Screw just kicking us out of Eden, I would have burned the whole garden down.