Best Square to be in During a Game of Four-Square?

Lowbrow Answer: One
Look at you. You proletariat swine. You're nothing more than a whipping boy for the higher squares. Cannon fodder for the ruling classes. You step in, your hopes alight with the dream of moving up in the world, only to be bitch-slapped by the 3-square with a gnarly double-tap spike moments later. Get the fuck back in line; you don't belong here.

If this were a game of chess, you'd be a pawn. If this were the army, you'd be the infantry. If this were sex, you'd be the hand-holding at dinner before we got home. And who wants to be any of that shit? Nobody. Except maybe those weird kids you knew in high school who liked to play with swords and light woodland creatures on fire. They probably wanted to be that shit. They probably grew up and became that shit.


Middlebrow Answer: Four
The best part about being the Four Square is that you get to make the rules up as you go along. You're truly an elementary school dictator. Want everybody to sing Yanni songs while they play? Done! Want all the girls to take their shirts off and jump up and down around the edge of your square? Done! Want to enslave all the kids with red-hair until you've created a master-race of tan-skinned blondes and brunettes ? Done! Being in charge is fun! Wheeeee!

It does kinda blow to have everyone and their mother trying to kill you. It's like being a KKK Klansman walking through downtown Compton; you're going to have enemies wherever you turn. One minute, square number three is your best friend. The next, he's trying to ram a red rubber ball so far up your ass that your grandkids will need dental work. I can't live like that. I need to be able to sleep at night.


Highbrow Answer: Three
For every Wizard, there's the man behind the curtain. Hitler had Goering. Mario had Luigi. William Wallace had that crazy Irish guy in the dress who talked to God. Sure, being in charge is great. But being right behind the guy in charge is truly highbrow. You get to secretly pull all the strings without any of the public pressure. It's like being the "they" from "that's what they say."

Let's also not forget that three is rad all by itself. It's a prime number, a Lucas number, and a Fibonacci number. Chew on that, four and five. It's also the subject of the best "Schoolhouse Rock" song ever written. Don't even try to disagree with me on that - I'll fight you. "Conjunction Junction" and "I'm Just A Bill" can suck my balls.

Best Chess Piece?

Lowbrow Answer: The Rook
Look at you. All thick and stout with a flattop haircut. You're the chess version of a Duke Lacrosse player. You're the piece most likely to date-rape one of the female pawns: "Come back to my square later, baby, we'll have some boxed-wine and Captain Morgan."

And you can only move in straight lines? What are you, six? You move like a donkey wearing blinders, only you aren't wearing any blinders. You're the opposite of having Cerebral Palsy; your body works just fine but your mind is an idiot.


Middlebrow Answer: The Bishop
He hangs out right next to the king and queen, which means he's kind of important by association. It's like how those people you always see in the background of pictures of the president are the ones who are really running shit. He's religious, however, which immediately loses him points. The highbrow elite don't spend Sundays in church, they spend Sundays outside the church, making fun of those that are inside.

Moving diagonally is kind of awesome, because it means the bishops are the only pieces that stay on one color square for the whole game. None of this mingling with the masses shit. I'm perfectly happy on just the black squares, thanks. Although, is it ironic to anybody else that the bishop is the piece that looks the most like an erect penis? I smell a lawsuit.


Highbrow Answer: The Knight
This dude is so highbrow that he doesn't even believe in normal geometry. No straight lines for me, thanks, I'll just move in "L's". He doesn't stand next to the King and Queen because fuck the King and Queen. They can take care of themselves; he's got women to bone and non-linear movements to make.

Oh, and jumping other pieces? No problem. You really think he's going to let the proletariat keep him from going where he pleases? If only life were like that. The highbrow elite could have special cars that let them leapfrog the idiots. Then we would always get to work on time for our jobs as sit-around-and-think-of-highbrow-stuff-and-publish-books-that-nobody-will-read-ers.