Best Body of Water for Vacations?

Lowbrow Answer: The Ocean
I get seven days a year away from my mind-numbing job as a corporate slave, do I really want to spend them with sweaty fat people in bikinis? Or annoying little kids with poop in their pants who can't build a decent sandcastle to save their lives? I hate the beach. It's like somebody took every reality show reject they could find and dropped them into the same pile of sand.

Speaking of sand, fuck it. Fuck it right in the ear. I know it feels good on my feet, but it finds its way into my butt faster than a drunk sorority girl. But unlike a drunk sorority girl, it isn't slippery and warm and blowing me. Lame.


Middlebrow Answer: A Lake
No salt, no currents, no deadly Orca whales trolling the shores for a snack. You can open your eyes under water, you can put a dock in right in front of your house, and you can skate on it in the winter. So, if we tally up the points here, let me see, we get a score of SUCK IT, OCEANS.

The one problem with lakes is that they're generally pretty small. So when some tourist jackass is buzzing around on a rented jet-ski, it's almost impossible to avoid him. I'd love to run him over with my boat and leave a crimson trail of blood in the water, but the pesky Marine Patrol guys keep telling me it's not allowed. Fuck those guys. They never let me do anything fun.


Highbrow Answer: A River
You have to appreciate anything that can carve its way through rock without making a sound. That's some psychic mind power shit. I wish I could do that to my enemies. Some bully would pick on me at lunch and I'd put a small grand canyon into his back with some mind bullets.

The best part about a river is that it's always recycling itself. You can dump your trash into it and BOOM, three minutes later it's clean. Poop in it, pee in it, bone in it; whatever. A river has no memory. It's nature's version of the roofie.