Best Video Game Controller?

Lowbrow Answer: Nintendo Game Cube
I'm pretty sure this is what sex toys will look like in the future. There are like, 27 buttons on this thing. I need 13 thumbs just to make it work. How complicated are the games on this system?! I want to play a video game, not operate a NASA spacecraft.

And do we really need all the color? Is this controller built by the Playskool Company? The vivid colors are supposed to be on the screen, not in my hands. I feel like I'm holding a chew toy for developmentally disabled puppies.


Middlebrow Answer: The Sega Genesis
Black on black is classy. I'm also pretty sure that Batman throws these things at bad guys. It has a good number of buttons, a simple directional pad, and a start button. No bells and whistles here, folks, just reliable fun. This is the Toyota Camry of the controller world.

Of course, who the fuck cares about the Genesis? The only Sega game I can even remember is Sonic the Hedgehog, and that sucked. You spent the whole game just watching Sonic ricochet off of things like a fuzzy pinball. The controller might be great, but it's useless if it's attached to a shitty console. Kind of Kevin Garnett before he came to the Boston Celtics.


Highbrow Answer: The Atari 5200
Is that a number pad? You bet your ass it is. Complete with pound sign and star buttons. It's everything you'd ever want in a controller. You could probably call 1953 with this bad boy.

What games require a number pad and a joystick? "Bank Teller Boxing?" "Math Team Extreme?" Whatever they are, they're decidedly highbrow. No racing or action-adventure games here, thanks. We'll stick to using the Atari to do long division at an alarmingly quick rate.