Best Street Fighter?

Lowbrow Answer: Blanka
Look dude, I know you're a street fighter, so high fashion probably isn't a priority, but does your chest hair really have to match your shorts? I feel like that's a bit overkill. With a haircut and some time at a tanning salon, you could maybe look like Vin Diesel.

Anyone who has played this game knows that the key to Blanka is being able to whack the "Y" button quickly enough so that you're basically always electrified. Which is lame. There's no skill in that. Where's the reward? Imagine if giving a woman an orgasm were as easy as simply tapping a button over and over again as fast as you could. Wait. Maybe that's a bad example...


Middlebrow Answer: Dhalsim
He's stretchy, which is cool. And he wears a necklace made of skulls, which is also cool. Also, he hangs out with a pack of elephants. I feel like he leads a life that would make alot of rappers jealous. Imagine how excited Diddy (Or is it P. Diddy? Puff Daddy? Sean Combs??) would be if he got to wear skulls around his neck and roll up to parties on an elephant. Damn United States and its strict animal regulations.

On the other hand, Dhalsim is kind of a pussy. He wimpers like a little bitch when you smack him, and he's pretty slow for a guy who looks like an anorexic high school cheerleader. He needs to bulk up. He should go talk to Manny Rodriguez or A-Rod. Sorry, baseball fans. Too soon?


Highbrow Answer: Zangief
Upon first examination, this character is totally useless. He's slow, he's ugly, and he lacks any semblance of agility. But after a closer look, you realize he's terrifying. He's got weird plumes of body hair all over his body and he's fucking powerful. Once you take the time to master his moves, you discover that you can break any other character's neck with a head-in-the-crotch-Russian-suplex. Plus his boots look like something Janet Jackson's backup dancers would wear. Awesome.

The best part about Zangief is that he's a socialist. Look at his stage. It's full of miserable, working class communists cheering for something they can neither understand nor draw their attention away from. If you look closely, you can even spot some elderly Bolsheviks, reciting Lenin and preparing for revolution. I love class struggle. It gives me such a history boner.

Best Summer Holiday?

Lowbrow Answer: Independence Day (July 4th)
How do we celebrate the birth of our nation? By blowing shit up. Typical, America. It's so ironically appropriate that it's not even funny. Maybe we should add slave-taking, Indian-killing, and witch-burning to the festivities. Happy birthday, USA!

And of course, what do we eat on the 4th of July? Hot dogs, hamburgers, french fries, and all manner of gluttonous semi-food. I feel like somebody proposed this holiday a long time ago as a joke, but everybody thought he was being serious and went ahead with it. Kind of like how Ugg boots were invented.


Middlebrow Answer: Walpurgis Night (April 30 / May 1)
No big deal, but this holiday is named after Saint Walpurga, who is credited with being the first female author in both England and Germany. Like, the first female author ever. The holiday itself is celebrated with bonfires, drinking, and all sorts of strange ceremonies like the capping of Havis Amanda in Finland or the rafting expedition in Fyrisån. I think American holidays need more rafting. Come to think of it, I think every event needs more rafting. Funerals would be waaaay more fun.

Walpurgis Night is only really heavilly celebrated in Sweden, Finland, Estonia, and Germany. I can think of two others things that only happen in those four countries:
1. The driving of Citroen cars.
2. The wearing of Hummel sports clothing.

Sorry, Walpurgis Night, but you aren't in very highbrow company with those two.


Highbrow Answer: Buhe (August 19th)
In Ethiopia, the boys of the village go from house to house, singing an improvised song to get pennies from their neighbors. Any holiday where music is actually part of the ceremony itself is highbrow. And I don't mean like, Christmas songs. I mean like, actual traditional music that must be sung as part of the celebration itself. Parry Cuomo and "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" can teabag me.

The best thing about this holiday is if the boys' songs are bad or contain poor rhymes, they don't get any money! High. Brow. Imagine if we held our kids to the same standards. If they had to perform a Mozart Aria at every house on Halloween and they didn't get any candy if they went flat. Or if they didn't get any presents on Christmas if their letters to Santa contained grammatical errors. Then maybe we'd be raising intelligent youth in this country instead of the video-game playing butterball zombies we have now.

Best Book About Talking Animals?

Lowbrow Answer: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

Dear C.S. Lews,

Please take your poorly veiled attempts at Christian morality and shove them up your ass.

Your pal,

Jeffrey

p.s. Naming your heroic lion character "Aslan" makes him sound like a gay bartender in Soho.


Middlebrow Answer: Animal Farm
George Orwell's parable about Stalinist goverment is a classic. Using vicious dogs as secret police, power-hungry pigs take over a farm and basically enslave the other animals. What a fun adventure! I like to imagine little kids mistakenly picking this book off the shelf and reading it. I can just picture a seven-year-old terrorizing his family at the dinner table with socialist rants and an empassioned coups d'état of the mashed potatoes.

The whole thing's a little obvious, though. We get it, George. You're talking about human beings. The genius of satire is that it's subtle, but you've chosen to beat us over the head with it. Reading Animal Farm is like going to one of those new age plays where actors are running across the stage every ten minutes shouting, "This is theatre! This is theatre!" Just shut up already.


Highbrow Answer: Watership Down
This shit is so intense. I cried like eight times the first time I read it. The rabbits in this story are more cultured than I am. They speak their own language, enjoy a rich history of poetry and mythology, and practice democracy and leadership better than any regime that's been in charge of this country. Maybe we should elect a bunny in the next presidential election. At the very least he'd be smarter than George W.

The myth in the story is that all rabbits are descended from a demi-god rabbit called El-ahrairah, or, in English, "The prince with a thousand enemies." I'm sorry, but that's the coolest thing I've ever heard. I'm not religious, but I'd definitly convert if I got to pray to a epic mythical rabbit with an Arabic name.

Best Historical African Flag?

Lowbrow Answer: Lesotho (in use 1989 - 2006)
This thing looks like it could be the flag on the 12th hole at Augusta National Golf Course. I can just picture a group of overweight white bankers shitting themselves when they step off the plane in Lesotho and realize that it's a war-torn and AIDS-infested African country and not a massive golf resort.

And what's the deal with the crest? It looks like they've stabbed a penguin and stretched its skin out on a cutting board. That's the image you've chosen to represent your country? A flayed penguin? You bastards. I'm surprised Antarctica hasn't declared war on you just on principle.


Middlebrow Answer: Tunisia (in use 1574–1831)
Okay, the weird design is sort of cool. I like flags that aren't rectangles. I think more countries should do it. America could change our flag into the shape of a big hand giving the middle finger. Or maybe a cross. Either one would be accurate.

Other than the shape, however, this flag is boring as shit. Blue, red, and green technicolor stripes. It feels like it was designed with something that has an 8-bit video card, like the original Nintendo. I can just imagine this flag flying over Bowser's castle.


Highbrow Answer: Mozambique (in use 1975 - 1983)
Here's a flag that doesn't fuck around. Let's put an AK47 right on there. With a bayonet. None of this symbolic bullshit. This country was forged in blood and that's how it's always going to be. No use hiding it. I appreciate the honesty, Mozambique. Full highbrow points awarded.

Just imagine if other countries were as truthful with their flags:

Iceland - A small picture of the island sinking back into the ocean.
Saudi Arabia - An oil derrick.
China - A group of Tibetan monks bound in chains.
Ireland - A drunk leprechaun passed out on the street outside the Guinness factory.
USA - Uncle Sam sucking on the King of Saudi Arabia's balls.

Best Place to Keep your Money?

Lowbrow Answer: In a Wallet
This may surprise you, but I have no desire to sit on an awkwardly shaped and uncomfortable stack of my own credit cards and money all day long. I already have to lug this massive cock around, do I really need another thick leathery thing weighing me down?

At best, your wallet is a clearing house for useless shit you don't need. There are more expired condoms, pictures of your obnoxious nieces, and old movie tickets for "X-Men 2" than there is usable currency. Do yourself a favor and ditch it. Your nieces are ugly anyway, you shouldn't be showing those pictures to anybody.


Middlebrow Answer: In a Money Clip
It's sleek, it's metal, and it hides in your pocket. It sounds like some sort of futuristic vibrator. It's also only meant for money and credit cards. None of this extra bullshit, just the bare necessities. It's every man's fantasy: sex without the foreplay.

Of course, most people who use these have some sort of engraving on them like their name or the crest of their school. So as if I didn't already know you were a douchebag for going to Yale, now you have to prove it by putting the Bulldog on the thing that holds your money and your parent's credit card. You should just cut to the chase and put a bumper sticker on your car that says: "Avoid me, I'm a dickface."


Highbrow Answer: In your Majordomo's pocket
You think when Wagner went to an ice cream stand he pulled out a few Francs and paid for it himself? Fuck no. His Majordomo took care of that shit. You know how many grubby proletariat hands have been on a ten dollar bill? I want to throw up just thinking about it.

What ever happened to these guys, anyway? They're hardcore. It's like having a bodyguard who has a Ph.D. from the Sorbonne and speaks more eloquently than you do. I can't wait until my book about Obstructionist Poetry in 13th Century Mongol Europe is published and I can afford a Majordomo of my own. I'm going to name him "Fenwick."

Best Fashion Designer?

Lowbrow Answer: Prada
I thought the point of high fashion was that it's exclusive. Everyone I know has something by Prada. My little 7-year-old cousins have wallets, my sister-in-law has a bracelet, and I'm pretty sure my neighbors use a Prada purse as a pooper-scooper for their beagle.

And "The Devil Wears Prada?" Really? If you're going to attach your name to a film, you attach it to a surrealist Danish movie directed by Lars Von Trier and starring three French actors you've never heard of. You don't attach it to a dumb American film starring Anne Hathaway and Stanley Tucci. Are you insane? That's like sponsoring a basketball team and picking the Clippers.


Middlebrow Answer: Armani
He made all the suits for Christian Bale in "The Dark Knight." He was the first designer to ban models with a body mass index less than 18, in an effort to curb Anorexia. He has twice designed the jerseys for the English national soccer team.

Of course, he's also started opening restaurants with his name all over them. And he teamed up with Samsung to make a cell phone with his logo. Armani is like that annoying cousin that we all have. You know the one. He's always eating melted Snickers bars and he smells like pee. And you want to like him, but for every thing he does that's cool, there are three things he does that aren't.


Highbrow Answer: Valentino
If you're having a party to celebrate the anniversary of 45 years of your work and you hold that party at the Temple of Venus in Rome (built in 135 A.D.), then you can be highbrow. Until then, go back to Chuck 'E' Cheese and play your stupid ski-ball. Oh, and no big deal, but there's a color named after this guy. Like, a color in the spectrum. Called rosso Valentino. The only thing with your name on it is that terrible drawing of a moose you did in 2nd grade that still hangs on your mom's fridge.

Basically, here's the analogy. Valentino:Modern Couture Fashion :: God:Existence. Except God dresses like shit. Cut that beard and ditch the white robe. Get yourself an Italian suit, for Christ's sake. (Get it? "Christ's" sake? I'm hilarious)

*Holiday Break*

Hi Kiddos-

"Not Our Class, Dear" is off in New Hampshire for Memorial Day. New posts resume on Tuesday, May 26th.

Snuggles,

Karl