Not Our Class, Dear

Best Republican Candidate for 2012?

2011-11-09T15:16:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: Rick Perry/Mitt Romney/Newt Gingrich/Herman Cain/Michelle Bachmann/Rick Santorum/Ron Paul
Add two more lunatics to this list and we could field an idiot softball team. Where are the Republicans getting these people? Are they just trolling Wal-Mart parking lots, offering yocals candy if they'll come to the White House? I understand that, by nature, conservatives are a little backwards, but is this really the best we can do? I would elect most of the Muppets and all of the Teletubbies before any one of these candidates.

My border fence is bigger than your border fence.

This year's class of Republicans is proof that "crazy" is contagious. Have you seen the debates? It's like watching a group of puppies all trying to catch their own tail at once. They should just throw all the candidates into a cage match and give the last one standing the nomination. I bet it would be Bachmann: lunacy that strong is unstoppable.

Middlebrow Answer: Jon Huntsman
Okay, sure. He's a Mormon. Which means he's racist, homophobic, and overzealous. But this is the Republican party. Everyone is racist, homophobic, and overzealous. You have to punch an agnostic black lesbian just to get your membership card. At least Huntsman is intelligent. He believes in evolution and global warming. He graduated from an Ivy League university. He thinks chemistry and biology are "sciences" and not "magic."

If you're Mormon and you know it, clap your hands

Huntsman also speaks fluent Chinese and has adopted children from both China and India. Which means he realizes that there are countries outside of North America. That's a big step for a Republican candidate. Most of them think China and India are made-up fantasy lands, like Narnia or Djibouti.

Highbrow Answer: An Emperor Penguin
He's classy. He's regal. He's wearing a tuxedo. Right away, he's already a better option than most Republican candidates. Not to mention the fact that he's not a backwoods redneck, he doesn't think Jesus makes the sun come up every morning, and he doesn't own a house in Texas called "Niggerhead Ranch." I'd vote for him, and I'm a democrat.

Read. My. Lips. No. New. Taxes.

At this point, the Republican party has gotten so bad that I'd just be happy to have somebody who won't start World War III. Sure, an Emperor Penguin doesn't speak English and has no opposable thumbs, but at least he won't embarrass our country by doing something stupid like bombing Iraq or choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate.

Best Use of Animals in Warfare?

2011-11-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Carrier Pigeons
Let me get this straight. You have a vital message to send to your commanding officer, and you attach it to a pigeon? Seriously? Do you want to lose the war? Are you trying to get shot and killed? You're taking the future of your entire country and strapping it to the back of what is essentially a rat with wings? Boy. No wonder they don't let you near the grenades.

Email, circa 1940

In order to take down carrier pigeons before they could deliver their messages, many platoons bred and trained hawks to hunt and kill the winged couriers. Hey, guys. Here's an idea. Why not attach the message to the hawk. Or better yet, attach it to a raptor. I guarantee it'll get through then. I don't care how many panzer tanks you have - those things can open doors with their claws.

Middlebrow Answer: War Elephants
Yes, these are real. And yes, I'm getting one. I bet my upstairs neighbor will stop complaining about my music after I trample his living room and ram a tusk through his Beagle. The most famous war elephants belonged to Hannibal, who used them in the Second Punic War to cross the Alps. (Consequently, Hannibal died shortly after the crossing of being way too awesome.)

Excuse me while I shit myself

But how the hell do you take care of these things out on the warpath? They drink, like, 839 gallons of water a day. Their poop is the size of a Buick. Are you lugging around truckloads of peanuts to feed them? What if they accidentally step on some of your troops? What if one of them has really big ears and wears a little yellow hat and a neck ruffle and what if he learns to fly and gives away your position?

Highbrow Answer: Bombardier Bats
No, I'm not making this up. The Americans came up with it during World War II. The idea is simple. You strap small bombs to a bunch of bats. You then release those bats over an enemy city at dawn. As the sun comes up, the bats retreat into houses and buildings to sleep during the day. At which point, you ignite the bombs and start fires all over the city. Oh god, this is so awesome. Fuck you, 7th grade bullies - history IS cool.

So cuddly and destructive

Can we just go ahead and agree that bats are the coolest animals ever? They blow up buildings, they can see in the dark, they sleep upside down, they're the only mammals that can fly (and not just glide), and they can get as big as 4 feet across. You heard me: four fucking feet. Imagine that flying at you. I mean, come on. Bats are so awesome that even their poop is worth money. Suck it, penguins.

Best Halloween Costume?

2011-10-31T16:30:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: "Sexy" Anything
Listen, sweetheart. I know you've got really low self-esteem because your ex-frat-boy boyfriend would rather watch NFL games than have sex with you, but do we really need to see you squeeze your formerly perky ass into a pair of black booty shorts so that you can tell everyone you're a "cat?" Newsflash: cats don't wear high heels or have a bellybutton piercing or get drunk on two Smirnoff Ices. (Well, okay, maybe that last one is true - I have no idea how many Smirnoff Ices it takes to get a cat wasted.)

I like boobs and ass and low self-confidence as much as the next guy, but come on. If I wanted to see some girl's naughty-bits in public, I'd just drop a roofie in her vodka-soda and then drag her outside. Problem solved.

Middlebrow Answer: "Scary" Anything
At least these outfits are on theme. Halloween, if you'll remember, is supposed to be about ghouls and ghosts and shit. It's not supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be terrifying and horrifying and poop-in-your-pants-ifying. You should be dressing up as scary things. Stuff like zombies and monsters and catholic priests and my Uncle Rod who used to force all of us kids to take mustache rides at Easter. *shiver*
I'm not sure when we lost track of the true meaning of Halloween and veered off the track into superheroes and pop singers and eating 9 pounds of candy in one day. Probably around the same time we changed Christmas from "the birth of our Lord and Savior" to "Fuck you, give me that Tickle-Me-Elmo or I'll shove a lawnmower up your ass."

Highbrow Answer: "Abstract" Anything
For my money, the best Halloween costumes take explaining. A lot of explaining. I like it when a costume requires a lecture or a history lesson or a pie graph for me to understand it. At least then I'm learning something.
For full highbrow points this year, the best costume would require dressing up as one of of the following things:

- 14th Century German Nihilism
- Hubris
- The Japanese Commodities Market
- Any Color From the Infrared Spectrum
- The Soul of a Cheetah
- Chapter 14 from Betrand Russell's "The Amberly Papers"
- Doubt

Best Coldplay Album?

2011-10-30T20:09:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Viva La Vida
Quick, name one song from this album other than "Viva La Vida." Can't do it, right? Of course you can't. Because every other song on this album blows. And admit it - you only know "Viva la Vida" because it has the same name as the album itself. If you look up "generic" in the dictionary, you'll see a photo of this album, right next to a screen shot from "Two and a Half Men" and a quote from Tyler Perry.

And did you notice how the band wore matching old time marching band outfits for this tour? Hmmm, I feel like I've seen that before. Where was it. Matching old time marching band outfits. Oh, that's right. It was a little group called The Beatles. You may have heard of them. Jesus, Coldplay. If you're going to plagiarize someone's style, at least steal from somebody small and inconsequential, like, I dunno, NOT the most famous rock band ever. In the whole world. Ever.

Middlebrow Answer: A Rush of Blood to the Head
Okay, so "Warning Sign" is a nice song. As are "In My Place" and "Amsterdam." And "The Scientist" is the perfect tune for when you bring a girl back to your place and you're hoping to get laid and you want her to think you're thoughtful and sweet but not that you're gay. I thank you for that one, Chris Martin. And my 9th grade girlfriend Stephanie thanks you. Twice-in-my-basement-and-once-in-my-parents'-shower thanks you.

But still. Most of these songs are pretty dull. And has anyone else noticed that "Clocks" is just "Speed of Sound" sped up? Anybody? I mean, I know that "Clocks" came before "Speed of Sound," but come on. Have the decency not to write an average song that you will later adapt into a different, even more average song, but that is essentially the same as the first average song. Sheesh.

Highbrow Answer: Fuck Coldplay
Yeah, I know they sell tickets. And I know that people listen to them. But the truth is, they blow. Honestly. You've got to trust me on this. I'm your friend. I'd never lie to you. Here's how you can tell. Take a look at the following list and tell me whether I'm describing Coldplay or The Backstreet Boys:

- Highly melodic musical hooks that are catchy the first 5 times you hear them, but make-you-want-to-stab-your-own-ears-with-a-curling-iron the next 500 times after that.
- Lyrics so vaguely poetic they could have come from an 8th grade poetry slam.
- Singers whose vocal emotion is so monotone you aren't sure if they're happy or sad or excited or angry or, literally, anything besides "bored."
- An overproduced live show where each member of the band has a massive projection screen dedicated to showing just his image.
- A loyal fanbase composed primarily of soccer moms and their teenage daughters.

You can't tell, can you? See what I'm talking about?

We're Back Today!

2011-10-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

After a long summer in the Alps hunting bears, elk, and small retarded children who would only weaken our strong Russian blood, I return to work today. Stay tuned for regular updates. Kisses, Karl.

Best Assassination?

2011-06-23T21:37:00.001-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Archduke Franz Ferdinand (killed in 1914)
Okay, sure, "The Black Hand" is a cool name for a gang of Serbian militants. But come on. Could these guys be any more inept? First, they try to blow him up, but they miss and blow another car up instead. Then they try to shoot him at a cafe, but he leaves before they can act. Then two of them get scared, eat their cyanide pills, and jump into a river. Except the pills don't really work and the river is only 5 inches deep. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. This is like Farrelly Brothers dumb.

Gavrilo Princep finally shoots Ferdinand in his car, accidentally killing his wife in the process. A month later, World War I breaks out. Nice job, Black Hand. Thanks a lot. Just to recap, you nearly botch the only assassination attempt you ever undertake, you send the whole of Europe into a horrible war, and you needlessly kill Ferdinand's hot Austrian wife. Are you trying to make me hate you? Because it's working.

Middlebrow Answer: Robert F. Kennedy (killed in 1968)
JFK's little brother was shot four times at point blank range outside a hotel by a man named Sirhan Sirhan. Now here's the best part: even with two holes in his chest and one in his head, RFK didn't die until 26 hours later. What a fucking badass. I start crying when I skin my knee; this dude's brain is leaking out on the floor and he manages to survive an entire day. Move over, Jesus. I have a new God.

I will say, however, that you could go bigger than RFK. Let's use a hunting analogy. Let's say guys like Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. are majestic twelve-point bucks. That makes Robert Kennedy, like, a really big swordfish. Making your name in the assassin community by shooting him is like being in the NBA and playing for the Golden State Warriors. Sure, you're a pro basketball player. But not really.

Highbrow Answer: Alexander Litvinenko (killed in 2006)
Litvinenko was a Russian KGB thug who secretly switched sides to join the "good guys" at MI6 in England. Although, in hindsight, he probably could have been a bit more secretive about the switch. While staying in a hotel in London, he drank a cup of tea that had been laced with Polonium-210, a radioactive metalloid element. He died three weeks later from radiation poisoning. Let me just make sure you heard that right: he drank a cup of tea that had been poisoned with Polonium. H-I-G-H-B-R-O-W, and that's how you spell highbrow.

The big rumor was that Litvinenko was offed by a bunch of his former KGB buddies, although it was also reported that the Russian government was behind it. Awesome. I feel like I'm in the middle of a Hollywood spy movie, like "The Bourne Identity" or "The Bourne Supremacy" or "The Bourne Ultimatum" or "The Bourne Legacy" or "Spy Kids 3D."

Best Super Mario Kart Track?

2011-06-19T17:09:00.005-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Rainbow Road
This is what happens when you let a 7-year-old on methamphetamine design a race track. It's like somebody stabbed a disco floor then ran it over with a steam roller. I'm sure I'd be getting faster times on it, if only I weren't so busy having a seizure during Lap 3.

Where the hell was OSHA when they were building this abomination? Aren't there regulations for this shit? There are no walls, electrical stone faces are falling all over the place, and the whole thing is free-floating in space. Talk about a lawsuit waiting to happen. Can't we put in some safety fences or something? The last thing we need is Bowser careening out of control and smashing into a family of nuns or a litter of baby kittens.

Middlebrow Answer: Vanilla Lake 2
Nothing gets my nipples hard like ice racing. Yee-haw. The best part of this course is saving time by jumping onto the floating icebergs. Nothing gets the ladies going like the old jump-onto-the-icebergs-to-save-time routine. Yeah, girl. You know how I do. Cut right across that frozen lake. You like that? You want some more? Come here, I'ma rub my Donkey Kong all up in yo Princess Toadstool.

And yet, does anybody else think maybe we shouldn't be driving race cars through the arctic tundra? Aren't there, like, endagered baby seals and narwhals and dudes named Nanook wandering around up there? I mean, I know I'd be pissed if a family of Eskimos and a polar bear drove a bunch of race cars through MY backyard. Shouldn't we at grant them the same respect?

Highbrow Answer: Donut Plains 3
Good lord, this shit is impossible. I've been playing Mario Kart since back before I even knew how to masturbate, and I still can't win on this track. The turns are ridiculous, there's a gap in one of the bridges, and the whole thing is happening on some kind of rain-soaked flood plain. You turn too far one way - you're twelve feet under water. Too far the other - you're stranded on a patch of dirt with no hope. It's like 16-bit Hurricane Katrina.

And where are we getting these gophers that pop out of the ground and attack my kart? Is there Mercury leaking into a nearby water supply or something? They're terrifying. Here I am doing my best "Fast and Furious" impression around a corner, when a crazed, 5-foot ball of fuzz with dilated pupils and a tattoo on his arm that reads "Born to Fuck" jumps up onto my face. I surrender. Sweet Jesus, I surrender.

"I am Tagged in X number of Facebook photos..."

2011-04-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: X > 500
Here's the funny thing about life. You're supposed to be living it, not documenting it. In all the time you've spent posing for pictures, you could have written a best-selling book or solved a physics equation or conquered some insignificant country like Azerbaijan or France. So the next time somebody whips out their iPhone to snap a hipstamatic photo, tell them to fuck off. You've got shit to do.

Now, I'm not going to start preaching Thoreau at you (because he was a spoiled bitch whose entire mantra is undermined by the fact that his parents funded his little cabin adventure) and I won't tell you to "Seize the Day" (because I refuse to take life advice from Robin Williams and a bunch of 1950s boarding school kids). But I will tell you to stop spending your whole life posing for photos. I promise you; you aren't worth taking pictures of anyway. Your arms are flabby and your eyes are too far apart.

Middlebrow Answer: X < 25
What are you, some kind of cave troll? Get out and see the world, man! Rent a paddle boat or join a hockey team or learn Nigerian Kung Fu. I don't care if you've got crippling agoraphobia; suck it up and get outside. The only people who are allowed to legitimately have fewer than facebook 25 photos of them are hermits, hobos, Uzbekistanis (they haven't even cured Polio over there yet), and 1820s prospectors. Otherwise, you gotta go make some friends.

It's not like it's difficult to get photos of you taken these days. Everything has a fucking camera in it. Phones, computers, MP3 players. I hear the ASPCA will even install a digital camera into whichever dog you choose to adopt. Photo technology has gone crazy. I mean, I'm taking a nude picture of you right now and you're still wearing your clothing.

Highbrow Answer: X = 163
Didn't see this one coming, did you? BLAM! King strikes again! While I don't advocate being a facebook junky, I understand that it's part of life these days. Like texting and iTunes and Justin Bieber. You can't avoid it. So it's okay to have a few photos of you. Just make sure they're cool. They should be of you winning the Stanley Cup or choking a walrus. They shouldn't be you drunk at a frat party or you eating hot wings at Applebee's.

And how fucking cool a number is 163? God damn. It's the largest value of d such that the number field Q (√−d) has class number 1 (meaning that its ring of integers is a unique factorization chain), it's the last instance of a quadratic field having unique factorization, and it's the first instance of a real cyclotomic field not having unique factorization. Awesome. I just got a math boner.

Best Marginal Genre of Music?

2011-04-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Popera
"Popera" is a strange musical No Man's Land that exists somewhere between Pop and Opera. It's not quite catchy enough to be on regular radio and it's not quite good enough to be called "classical." Never heard any of this shit before? Just look for large groups of white middle-class women; there's bound to be Popera nearby.

Josh Groban is the Czar of this travesty, and with good reason. He has the perfect mix of semi-talent and quasi-attractiveness that moistens the panties of every housewife in America. Just like Coldplay or Regis Philbin.

Middlebrow Answer: Horror-Core
I don't care what you say about the Insane Clown Posse; at least those guys put on a show. They've got jugglers and strippers and midgets in hobo outfits and pregnant manatees and all kinds of other crazy shit on stage when they perform. None of that haughty Radiohead ignore-the-audience bullshit here. You go to a Horror-Core show and you're getting an experience; a nightmarish, pulsating concert complete with soda cannons, horny hillbillies, and all the herpes you can take.

Of course, lyrically, Horror-Core falls a bit short. There are only so many ways you can talk about murdering a Bitch-Nutz with your Juggalo Hatchet. I'd like to see some of these groups branch out. I wonder what an ICP song about clouds or endless love would sound like. Probably something like, "I'm a murder that Cloud-Nutz with my Endless Love Hatchet."

Highbrow Answer: Post-Rock
Welcome to the User's Guide to Making Post Rock.
Step 1: Collect five non-Americans and put them in a band together. Make sure one of them is a girl. She should be shorter than 5'5" and be from Japan.
Step 2: Force the band to play their guitars with screwdrivers and wine glasses and anything else that isn't normally used to play a guitar.
Step 3: Every song must be longer than 10 minutes.
Step 4: No song is allowed to have lyrics.
Step 5: The band's name must be something obscure and strange like, "Godspeed You! Black Emperor" or "Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra & Tra-La-La Band." (those are both real acts, by the way) Bonus points for misusing punctuation in the name of the group.
Step 6: All artwork must be grainy and shot in black and white.
Step 7: At least 80% of the group's music must be amelodic and unlistenable.

If the first thought in your head after reading that list isn't, "HIGH-FUCKING-BROW" then stop reading this blog.

Best Team in Major League Soccer?

2011-04-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: The LA Galaxy
Nothing like watching soccer surrounded by an orgy of upper middle-class white people in David Beckham replica jerseys. Galaxy fans are all the same. They show up late, spend the entire first half in line to buy their bratty kids $28 worth of food, and then they leave 20 minutes early so they can beat the other soccer moms out of the parking lot and get home in time for CSI: Miami. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. These are people who think that Manchester United and Real Madrid are European mortgage companies.

Also: What the hell kind of sports name is "The Galaxy?" You're from LA, for Christ's sake. You can't even see any stars here. And what's your mascot? A big white cloud of mist? "The Galaxy" should have been about 978th on your list of possible names, right behind "The Rape Whistles."

Middlebrow Answer: Seattle Sounders FC
Alright, so your average attendance at home games is like 200,000 people. And sure, your team colors are pretty cool and you've got some good players. But Seattle? What a dump. It's always raining, it's the home of Microsoft, and it's full of aging hipsters with pixie haircuts and Amazon Kindles. Move the team to somewhere nice, like Montana or New Hampshire, and maybe I'll be interested. Until then, take your granola bars and your Chacos and shove it.

The face of this team is Drew Carey, who is a minority shareholder. Now, you might be thinking; "Drew Carey, the famous lion tamer and wine parachutist?" No, not that Drew Carey. We're talking about the Drew Carey who had his own show back in the day and now hosts "The Price is Right." The Drew Carey who was supposedly funny at one point in his life, but can produce no hard evidence thereof. Fat bastard.

Highbrow Answer: CD Chivas USA
A distinct absence of star players? Check. Wild and Crazy Mexican ownership group? Check. Defensive-minded, unattractive style of play? Check. This is what pro sports is about; worshiping a team that continually lets you down and causes you emotional drama. Fuck yeah! Sports! Despair! America!

Chivas is awesome because they have this little thing called personality. The fans are nuts, the mascot is a goat, and the team is the only one in the league without a city in its name. Why? Because fuck geography, that's why. Chivas USA cares not for your plebeian cities and states - this team lives by its own rules. And Rule #1 is Cartography Blows.

Best Male Underwear?

2011-04-07T10:33:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Boxer-Briefs
Look, I know the world is a complicated place, but pick a fucking side. You're either boxers or you're briefs; you don't get to be both. Flip-flopper. It's like how every new invention these days has to be 8-things-in-1. "This camera is also a phone and a knife and a nightlight and a respirator and a pistol and a nine-iron and a badger! All in one!" Fuck that. I want my camera to be a camera. I want my underpants to be underpants. End of story.

Even if you concede that these are comfy, we couldn't come up with a better name than "Boxer-Briefs?" Really? It's like those annoying people who hyphenate their last names. Get over yourselves. Pick one or make up something new. Imagine how dumb it would be if other shit was named this way. We'd be stuck writing all our emails on "Calculator-Typewriter-Camera-Phonograph-Telegraph-Televisions." (Get it? I'm talking about computers. Moron.)

Middlebrow Answer: Tighty-Whities
In this tumultuous era of falling stocks and armed Middle-Eastern conflict and Katy Perry music, the last thing I need is my Pocket Dolphin flopping around all nimbly-bimbly in the breeze. I want that shit tucked in tight, where he's protected from all the fear and the war and the Moammar Gadhafi. I mean, come on. My Wang is my third-most valuable physical attribute, right behind my tattoo of Elton John and my detachable kneecaps; I gotta protect it.

Of course, sometimes my Yogurt Slinger needs some space to roam. Sometimes he yearns to be out on his own, seeing the world. And I respect that. I don't want be one of those helicopter parents, hovering over their kids at every turn. I want my penis to be able to enjoy a steak dinner or a tennis lesson all by himself if he wants to. More power to him.

Highbrow Answer: Underwear?
Would you cage the regal Alaskan Elk? Would you close the gates to Yellowstone Park? Would you lock Michael Cera in a windowless basement? No. Of course you wouldn't. Because Alaskan Elk, Yellowstone Park, and Michael Cera are national treasures. They're supposed to be out in the open, encouraging the world to greatness with their very presence. Such is the nature of my Penis; its very existence inspires the advancement of modern civilization.

If you're asking yourself, "Did he just equate his Dong to a National Park?" The answer is yes. Yes, I did. Clearly you know nothing of my Peen and the wonders thereof. It once traveled back in time to stop the assassination of a human boy so that he could grow up and become the leader of mankind against an army of robotic overlords in the future. Yeah. Suck it. What has YOUR penis done lately?

Best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?

2011-02-04T13:32:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: Michelangelo
Is it me, or is Michelangelo always stoned? Like, always. "Anchovies" is probably a euphemism for "massive bong rips." It's kind of impressive if you think about it. If he's that good with nun-chucks when he's baked, imagine how good he'd be sober. He could probably shit on Shredder's face with his eyes closed.

But what the hell is "Cowabunga?" What language is that? It sounds like the Latin term for bovine anus. Which is weird, because why would you shout that as you charge into battle? Why not something more like, "No Mercy!" or "Charge!" or "I'm-a-kill-yo-ass!"

Middlebrow Answer: Donatello
Donatello is smart, he's witty, and he can actually speak the English language without saying "whoa..." or "dude..." every thirty seconds. He's also named after a fucking badass. Donatello was a fourteenth-century painter and sculptor who basically invented bas-relief. He's way more highbrow than Michelangelo and his stupid ceiling. He's representin' Perspectival Illusionism, motherfucker.

On the downside, his weapon is a broomstick. I know that ninja geeks will call it a "bow" or a "staff," but that's total bullshit. It's a curtain rod, at best. Leonardo gets two swords and Donatello gets a shower dowel? What kind of shit is that?

Highbrow Answer: Raphael
Raphael bows to no man. You want him to help you save April O'Neil? Fuck you, he's busy. The Foot Clan is attacking Manhattan? Tough shit, he's reading Proust. Bebop and Rocksteady have captured Leonardo? Let that goody-two-shoes burn. Raphael doesn't need anybody. He's a surly one-man army.

Raphael carries two Sai, which only adds to his awesomenitude because it means he has to flight in close quarters. None of this arms-length bullshit for him - he gets right in your face before he rips your heart out and eats it.

You Have Three Kids. You Should...

2011-01-10T14:27:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: ...Give them all names that start with the same letter.
The parents who typically pull this kind of shit are either super-wealthy white people or super-poor minorities. Either way, go fuck yourself. You have three beautiful daughters. You can't come up with more interesting names than Kelly, Kimberly, and Kelsey? Are you literally trying to make me hate you? If you are, it's working. Even if you aren't; it's still working.

I'm waiting for the day when people just quit trying and name all their kids "Dana." Male, female. It won't matter. We already spend all our time shopping at Wal-Mart and eating at McDonald's and watching "Transformers." We may as well go full-bore and just all have the same identities. At least you'd never forget somebody's name again.

Middlebrow Answer: ...Love them all equally and raise them well.
I hate kids in the first place, but if you're going to ruin my day by having one, at least be a good parent. Teach the thing to read and write and worship Adorno. Teach it to enjoy foreign arthouse poetry and listen to Chopin and sneer at Steven Spielberg movies. Teach it to be nice to everyone, except racists, homophobes, bigots, and lacrosse players. Fuck those people. They can swallow a rattlesnake.

On the other hand, there are few things worse than happy families. With their golden retrievers and white picket fences and Ford minivans and Saturdays at the park and Sundays at Episcopal church and smiling Christmas card photos from top of Mount Belmont. What is this, The Family Circus? Life is shit. Your son will get AIDS and your daughter will get hit by a comet. And The Family Circus blows. Worst comic ever.

Highbrow Answer: ...Kill two of them.
The world is overpopulated. There are like 147 billion people living in China. We're running out of space. We're running out of food and water. The last thing we need is idiots like you pumping out kid after kid after kid like your vagina is some kind of Pez dispenser. I don't care if you're Catholic. Or Evangelical. Or any other dumb religion that demands you have kids so that they can join the Pope's army or whatever. Use a condom. They're cheap, they're accessible, and the ones we have today are much better than the sheep's bladder you would have had to use back in the day.

I don't understand why some people are so intent on having 25 children. Doesn't it get old? Aren't you totally bored after the first two? Aren't you sick of potty training and diapers and whining and soccer practices and singing lessons and birthday parties and visits to the hospital and crying? No? You aren't? Man, your life is pathetic. Like, Eddie Murphy's post-1995 acting career pathetic.

Best Outfit for a Flight?

2011-01-04T14:55:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: A Sweatsuit and a Neck Pillow
Maybe traveling from Boston to Albuquerque was a perilous adventure during the Civil War, but it's the 21st century for Christ's sake. The planes have heat. They serve you Pepsi in mid-air. It's pretty cushy. We're not sitting on wooden benches, helping to peddle the 747. Come on, the whole flight is only going to take like five hours. You're not crossing the country on a 9-month expedition with Lewis and Clark.

And don't get me started on this neck pillow shit. What the hell has happened to us? We used to kill bears with our hands and build houses with rocks and slaughter thousands of Native Americans for fun. Has it really come to this? We need a semi-circle cushion to help us sleep sitting up? If this continues, one day we'll be relying on some kind of Hello Kitty-themed robot from Japan to chew all our food for us and kiss us goodnight.

Middlebrow Answer: High Heels and a Tight Skirt
Hey sweetheart. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this isn't a frat house. There aren't any drunk football players to feel you up by the pool table or hump you arrhythmically on a makeshift basement dance floor. This is an airplane. Nobody wants to chat with you about how great it is to be an English major. All the flight attendants are gay. Take off your Manolo Blahnik's and wipe all that makeup off your face. Trollop.

The guy version of this is even worse. Nothing like a douchebag in an Armani suit and CK One sitting next to you all the way to New York. Yes, I see you're on your way to a business meeting. Good for you. Let me guess. You work in consulting. You attended some yuppie white kid college like Williams or Princeton and now you spend your time moving other people's money around until you save enough of your own to buy a big house and a golden retriever and a wife whose first name is "Grier." I hope your plane crashes. Into Princeton.

Highbrow Answer: Jeans and a T-Shirt
Yes, flying somewhere was a huge deal in 1984. It's not anymore. Get over it. At this point, an airplane is just a big Toyota Camry with wings. Are you really going to get dressed up for a Toyota Camry with wings? Is that how pathetic your life has become? Have you no better occasion to make a big deal out of than a flight to Cleveland? That's sad. Like, Elmo dying of Syphilis sad.

The joy of wearing jeans and a T-shirt on an airplane is that nobody knows anything about you. If you're wearing a suit, we know you're some Wall Street asshole. If you're wearing sandals with socks, we know you're some yocal from Indiana who hasn't been in one of them there flying machines since 1991. Jeans and a T-shirt is understated. You could be anyone. You could be flying to a meeting with the president or a play rehearsal with Johnny Depp or a T-Shirt and Jeans convention. The possibilities are endless.

Best Biblical Christmas Personality?

2010-12-16T17:24:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: The Three Kings
Guys, it's called FedEx. I appreciate the effort it takes to cross a thousand miles of desert, but you're totally wasting whatever it is that makes camels go. Just throw your frankincense and your myrrh and your "Dora the Explorer" DVD's into a UPS envelope and be done with it. Jesus is just a baby anyway, he's not going to remember you were even there.

I'm not exactly sure why you're bringing Jesus presents in the first place. You're Kings. Don't you have like, important royal business to attend to? Ya know, proclamations to make and illegitimate children to father and peasants to behead? You don't even know this Christ kid. What if he had grown up to be some lacrosse-playing, I-banking, date-raping douche hat? How would history have remembered you THEN?

Middlebrow Answer: The Virgin Mary
You gotta give props to any woman that pops a baby out who becomes the savior of mankind. I can just picture her at Starbucks, showing off in front of the other moms: "How's Jesus? Oh, you know, just out curing the blind and walking on water and rescuing all humanity from sin." I also gotta hand it to any woman that lives through a fuck-session with God himself. I bet the guy screws like a polar bear on PCP. He probably blows a load like an Asian tsunami.

Of course, in reality, Mary is just another one of those lame housewives who measures herself by no other standard than the success of her children. Boooooring. Why don't you go buy yourself a new dress, Mary. Join the bridge club. Take some rowing lessons. You gotta get out from under the heavy shadow off that overachieving brat of yours.

Highbrow Answer: Herod the Great
I'm sure you're really proud of being a marketing consultant or a corporate accountant or whatever bullshit white-collar job you do, but you're a nobody compared to Herod the Great. Did you build the fortresses at Masada, Antonia, and Herodium? How about the entire port city of Caesarea? You have anything to do with the huge edifice at the top of the Cave of the Patriarchs in Hebron? No? You didn't? Oh, that's right, it was Herod the Great. Suck it. Suck it, everyone. (Except for Herod. He doesn't have to suck it.)

"But wait," you may be thinking. "Wasn't Herod the guy who drowned his own brother to consolidate his power? Didn't he murder all of his sons and have his wife killed? Wasn't he an unstable menace who butchered anybody that didn't agree with him?" Why, yes. Yes he was. But who needs a family? Bunch of annoying, greedy free-loaders if you ask me.

Best Christmas Personality?

2010-12-07T11:42:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: Santa Claus
He's disturbingly overweight, he lives in the middle of nowhere in a little house, and he only works one day a year. He's basically the Unabomber with a cholesterol problem. And I'm sorry, but when did it become okay to break into people's houses to give candy and toys to children? He sees me when I'm sleeping? I'm surprised Santa hasn't been on "To Catch a Predator" yet.

Santa is bullshit. Every kid I knew growing up got presents. Even the little shithead rich brats or the Podunk idiots who'd kick my shins in the hallway. Where was your "naughty" list then, you fat prick? What's the point of me studying hard and following all the rules if it means nothing at Christmas? I could have been out throwing snowballs at cars on the highway or lighting frogs on fire - instead, I wasted 3rd grade learning about Earth Science.

Middlebrow Answer: The Elves
Elves can do anything. One day, they're fighting off legions of Uruk-Hai at the battle of Helm's Deep, the next they're hand-crafting dresses for Polly Pocket. What a versatile species. I wonder what would happen if you bred an elf with a human being. Actually, I think that's already happened once. It's called, "Danny Devito."

How is the Department of Labor not all over this? An army of midgets making toys around the clock for no pay and no pension? Can you say, "lawsuit?" I'm surprised Nike hasn't made a deal with Santa for some of his workforce. I bet elves could make soccer cleats way quicker than depressed, undereducated, chain-smoking Chinese children.

Highbrow Answer: Blitzen
Rudolph may get all the credit, but if you ask me which reindeer is probably calling all the shots behind the scenes, I'm saying it's Blitzen. How could it not be? Let's say you're Prancer or Donner. Who are you taking orders from? The dopey runt with the glowing red nose or the chiseled badass who's named after a terrifying form of German warfare? I rest my case.

If Santa's team of reindeer were an ensemble action movie, then Blitzen is totally Brad Pitt in "Oceans 11" or Vinnie Jones in any Guy Richie film or Insectosaurus in "Monsters vs. Aliens." He's the awesome, ruthless hero behind the wimpy, lovelorn hero. Oh, and there's no question that Blitzen is totally porking Vixen. You know they sneak off to Santa's sleigh whenever they can for a little session in the back seat. Hot.

It's NBA Basketball Season Again. I Hope...

2010-12-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: ...The Celtics or Lakers Win the Championship
I'm sorry, gold and purple? Really? Whose dumb idea was that? Because somebody should find that guy and shove a lawnmower up his ass. And look, I understand that you're called the "Lakers" because your franchise started out in Minnesota, but come on. There aren't any lakes in Los Angeles. There aren't any trees or clean air either. Even our rivers are fake. Maybe you should change your name to something more LA, like the "Traffics" or the "Budget Crises" or the "Massive homeless population and failing school system-s."

The only thing worse than a Laker is a Celtic. Fucking Boston. It's the racist, white-bred, Irish-Catholic capital of the Union. With a shitty accent. There's nothing like meeting a cute girl at a bar who leans in close and says, "Yah Fahkin' hawt. Wanna go screw in my cah?" The Celtics have won the NBA Championship a record 17 times, including a stretch of eight in a row. Fuck that. Fuck winners. Fuck the Celtics and the Yankees and the Spanish National Soccer Team and Lance Armstrong. Winners can blow me.

Middlebrow Answer: ...The Heat Win the Championship
Hey, Cleveland. Get over it. Labron James is a professional basketball player, not Mother Theresa. What the fuck did you expect him to do? Stay in Ohio? Are you kidding? He's a multi-millionaire and he's black. He belongs in a rap video, pouring champagne onto naked chicks, not in Cleveland, blowing chalk dust into the air for legions of corn-husking, swing-stating white people.

Look, I hate the Heat as much as anybody, but fuck it - at least they're interesting. Most of the NBA is so boring. I mean, the NFL has their juiced-up, gun-toting concussion jockeys and the NHL has their toothless, Manitoban fist-fighters and Major League Baseball has Manny Ramirez. What the fuck does the NBA have? Steve Nash? Booooooring. Cut your hair, you dirty hippie.

Highbrow Answer: ...All of the Players Die in a Forest Fire.
My god, basketball is useless. It's literally the same thing over and over again. Like, 200 times. Like, kill me. At least in other sports, scoring points actually matters. But not in Hoops. You shoot an amazing three-pointer? Who cares, we're still losing by 27. You block a shot? Big deal, they're going to take 95 more of them before we're done here. Basketball needs to add some element of surprise, like let one of the point guards ride a snowmobile for the second quarter or have an angry wolverine guard the free-throw line. THEN I'd watch.

Basketball players are the worst. They're all eight feet tall and block my view when I go to see "Harry Potter" movies and have sex with all the women in my town. Fuck you and your cool tattoos and your bling and your fancy cars, Carmelo Anthony. You're making me look bad. Forest fires, on the other hand, are fucking awesome. It's like a regular fire, only pissed-off and on speed.

Best Colloquialism?

2010-11-17T11:17:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: "Not Gonna Lie"
Have your friends been spouting this one at you like some kind of record player on angel dust? Yeah, me too. I don't get it. My friends are pretty good people. I'm not hanging out with baby rapists or armless Thai hookers or Lindsey Lohan. I feel pretty confident in assuming that they aren't lying to me when we speak. Except for my friend Phil. That guy is always elbows deep in shady dealings. I swear he's in the KGB.

Where does this bullshit stop? Am I going to have to start prefacing everything I say with a dumb list of stuff I'm not about to do?

- Not gonna molest a donkey, Tina, but that dress looks incredible on you.
- Not gonna stuff a quiche through that little window at the bank, but man is it hot outside.
- Not gonna learn how to write backwards in Finnish, but I totally love Radiohead.

Middlebrow Answer: "That's What She Said"
Okay, Steve Carrel is kind of amazing. And "The Office" is a funny show. Sometimes. When John Krasinski isn't smiling at the camera like a fourth-grader on a sugar high. But this one has got to stop. Suddenly every idiot thinks he can spout punchlines like Dan Akroyd. (Funny, edgy Saturday Night Live Dan Akroyd, not dumpy, embarrassing Yogi Bear Dan Akroyd.) If you weren't funny before you memorized this phrase, you REALLY aren't funny afterward.

The worst part about this one is that most people are morons and don't know how to use it properly. It's like watching a beagle trying to fly a 747:

Me: So then she told me to stick my penis into her vagina.
Idiotface: That's what she said!
Me: ...I know. I just told you she did.

Me: Do you have the numbers for the R15 report yet?
Dumbass McGee: That's what she said!
Me: I'm going to stab you with a curling iron.

Highbrow Answer: "Heretofore"
Pop quiz, asshole. Define "heretofore." Can't do it? Didn't think so. No wonder you got stuck at Eastern Michigan University getting a degree in "General Studies." Idiot. Heretofore basically means "up to the present time." Try using it in a sentence. It'll drive the babes in the Critical Theory section of the library wild:

"Heretofore, Zizek's writing had seemed petulant and Philistine." Philistine."
"Philip Hearsey's sculpture work has created heretofore unimaginable visual commentaries on global vicissitude."

(If you don't know who Zizek or Hearsey are, my interest in you as a person has heretofore been grossly misguided.)

Best Hippopotamus?

2010-11-08T06:33:00.000-08:00

Highbrow Answer: This one with the Baby
Oh my god that is the cutest fucking thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Look at that. Just look at it. Goddamn miracle of nature. Makes me want to vomit on a puppy or choke an infant with a rainbow it's so freaking adorable.

That is some committed parenting. I don't see you in the pool at the YMCA, following your kid around underwater to make sure he's doing the breast stroke properly. Although, after that messy incident with the beard trimmer and the underage lifeguard, I can see why they don't let you in the pool at the YMCA anymore.

Highbrow Answer: This one yelling at you
Hippos are awesome because they seem slow and docile until they're pissed off - then they chase you down at 60mph and break you in half. Having trouble picturing it? Just imagine running from an angry Volkswagan Jetta with 7-inch teeth.

Hippos are so terrifying that even hardcore predators like lions and tigers and velociraptors avoid them. They usually announce their presence with by trumpeting loudly from their throats. I wish I could do that everywhere I went: "GOOD MORNING EVERYONE, I HAVE ARRIVED AT THE LIBRARY. I'LL BE IN NON-FICTION." Then people would know not to fuck with me.

Highbrow Answer: This one Leaping through the Air
Are you seeing this shit? It's a fucking Hippo Torpedo. Be honest, have you ever seen anything more awesome in your whole life? I didn't think so. Imagine getting a few of these high on PCP and then loading them into a cannon and launching them into Afghanistan. The war would be over in matter of days.

Does anyone else think that "Hippo Torpedo" is a great name for an indie album? I can see the Arcade Fire or Vampire Weekend or one of those other really popular but annoyingly off-key bands releasing it. Maybe the Flaming Lips should do it and Wayne Coyne can spend the next 8 months touring the country in a rubber hippopotamus suit. Crazy bastard.

Best Use of Duct Tape?

2010-11-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: On a Duct
Really? You couldn't think of anything more creative to do with this than use it for its intended purpose? Don't you know anything about art? The key is to take an object with a specific function and employ it in some other way. Like using a lobster as a phone (Dalí), a urinal as a sculpture (Duchamp), or your penis as a periscope (me and my brother in the tub when we were five). Now THAT'S art.

What the hell is a duct anyway? I've never seen one in my life. My underlings tell me it's something that gets used in ventilation or plumbing or one of those other blue collar arenas that I never deal with. Why would I? That's why God invented Mexicans and people from Buffalo.

Middlebrow Answer: On an Open Would
Band-Aids are for pussies. And what's this racist shit with all of them being peach-colored? Fuck that. White people never need Band-Aids anyway; they're too chickenshit to ever do anything dangerous in the first place. It's tough to hurt yourself when you spend all your time on golf courses or at PTO meetings.

What's better than a Band-Aid? Duct tape. Cut yourself shaving? Duct tape. Get stabbed by a scimitar while on duty in Persia with the Roman Legion? Duct tape. Blow a hole in your chest trying to make a pipe bomb out of a bowling pin? Duct tape. It's tough, it's sticky, and you'll look badass with a big silver bandage. It hurts like a bitch when you rip it off, but you can quit your whining and suck it up.

Highbrow Answer: On a Duck
Stupid ducks pooping all over my dock and putting yeast infections into my lake. You're overweight rats with feathers and wings. Quit walking around on my beach, waking me up in the morning with your incessant quacking. What the hell do you have to talk about? You're a duck. You wake up, eat, poop, eat, poop, and go back to bed. Shut the hell up. It's not like you've got interesting news to share about the Dow Jones.

And I'm sorry, but migration? Really? Just buy a heater, for Christ's sake. If I flew 2,000 miles south every time I got cold, I'd never get anything done. Even if you did decide to go someplace tropical, why the hell would you ever come back? That's like somebody deciding to return to New Jersey after spending 10 years living on a yacht in Polynesia. Just makes no sense.

My New Favorite Band is...

2010-11-01T00:17:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Mumford & Sons
Where they hell did these douchebags come from? All of a sudden, every girl I've ever met is selling her ovaries to get a ticket to a Mumford & Sons concert. I don't get it. They sound like a roofing company or a real estate firm. If you're going to pander to upper-middle class girls with semi-coherent, vaguely poetic ramblings about love, at least have the common courtesy to call yourself "Coldplay" or "John Mayer."

Every girl tells me how dreamy it is that Mumford & Sons used to be homeless and play on the streets of London or wherever. I'm sorry, but women don't like poor dudes. They like diamonds and Audi's and guys who pick up the tab at The Geisha House. I know you like to think that Mumford & Sons are some motley band of starving artists, but they're not. They're on Island Records, for Christ's sake. They probably use hundred-dollar bills to blow coke off Megan Fox's chest.

Middlebrow Answer: Florence and the Machine
Okay, so she's pretty hip. And her voice is sometimes great. And "Dog Days Are Over" is a fucking good song. But I already spent all my energy liking this band back when they were called Metric /La Roux / The Gossip / Goldfrapp / The Yeah Yeah Yeahs / Silversun Pickups. Does the planet really need another tone-deaf anorexic girl mincing around stage in platform shoes? Hey honey, see that thing you're doing where you're not quite hitting any of the notes? That's called going flat.

I don't really get this whole heroin chic look that Kate Moss made famous. You know, that thing where you wear a lycra unitard from the 1980's and you overuse dark blue eye makeup and you wear stilettos that are 15 inches too high and your legs look like fleshy toothpicks and you vomit up every packet of Splenda that you allow yourself to eat and your boyfriend looks like he was kicked out of The Strokes for being too cool. Can somebody explain it to me? Mischa Barton, I'm looking at you.

Highbrow Answer: The London Philharmonic Orchestra
You ever notice how pop music is totally inane and stupid? Yeah, me too. Here's an idea. Don't listen to it. You want well-crafted, profound art? Bach is your boy. Or Mozart. Or Liszt. Or ANY OTHER European classical composer. (Except for Wagner. Antisemitic prick.) As much as I appreciate Katy Perry's futile attempts at harmony, I think I'll stick to Beethoven's fifth. You may have heard of it. It's the one with the 57 separate instrumental lines and 15 sections of syncopated rhythms. Oh, but yeah, "California Gurls" is great too.

It's hard to argue with 40 different instruments all playing the same song. Look, I like Lady Gaga as much as the next guy, but her music really suffers from a distinct lack of contrabassoon. I think that earthy tone could really add some depth to songs like "Pokerface" or "That one where she's dressed like a French sex toy in the video." Mankind has taken the time to invent the English Horn - why not use it? (I will hunt you down and kill you in your sleep if you ever say anything bad about the English Horn. Goddamn miracle of nature.)

Best Form of Torture?

2010-10-18T12:21:00.001-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Waterboarding
Waterboarding sounds like something douchbags do behind a speed boat on a lake in New Hampshire: "Hey bro, grab some PBR and your Volcom shorts - we're going Waterboarding." Couldn't you give it a cooler name, like "Land-Swimming" or "H2-Oh-No" or "The Aquaman Surprise."

The idea here is that you make the victim feel like he is drowning. The problem is that every account I've ever read of drowning says that it's actually quite a euphoric feeling. So you've got a bad guy and you want him to tell you about all his bad guy plans and you're going to do that by making him feel euphoric over and over and over again? No wonder we can't find Osama Bin Laden.

Middlebrow Answer: The Judas Cradle
Now THAT is how you name a torture device. I'm terrified of this thing just based on the title alone. The deal is, they chain your neck to the wall and then make you sit on a little pyramid until the thing slides up inside you and splits you open. Brutal. It's slow, it's jagged, and it's a real pain in the ass. Literally. Imagine getting an enema with a bowling pin.

Although I can't help but feel that there are few people who would enjoy being chained to the wall and having a small pyramid rammed into their asshole. Like those guys that are turned on by a girl throwing up onto a balloon, or those woman who think it's hot when a dude puts a hamster into the end of his dong. It ain't torture if Kinky McGee is getting off on it.

Highbrow Answer: The Head Crusher
This one is pretty straightforward. No bells, no whistles. Just your eyeballs squeezed out of their sockets as your head is crushed in a vice. Apparently the first thing that happens is your teeth are pressed up into your jaw. Then your forehead collapses and your brain begins leaking out of the cracks in your skull. So. Just to recap. Teeth into jaw. Forehead collapse. Leaky brain. You could draw a picture of this device in red crayon and I'd still tell you everything I know. Jesus.

The Head Crusher was primarily used in that delightful little period of Iberian history known as The Spanish Inquisition. Some priest in a dress would stick your head into the device and ask you if you believed in Jesus. You say no, they turn the crank. You say yes, they burn you alive. Man. Kinda makes all that child molesting look pale in comparison. (too soon?)

I think Gay People are...

2010-10-07T14:58:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: "Punching Bags."
Hey. Homophobic dickheads of America. Can we stop with all the I'm-going-to-make-this-gay-kid's-life-so-miserable-that-he-kills-himself bullshit? What are you, five? Newsflash. This isn't 1169. The world is round. The Earth isn't the center of the universe. Fire is a chemical reaction, not a mystical punishment from God for touching yourself. This is the modern era. We have a black president. Women vote. I can film myself masturbating and then watch it back in less than ten seconds. Get with the times. Homophobia is out of style, along with public lynching and liking Weezer.

I don't understand homophobia in the first place. What the hell is so scary about gay people? I'd get it if you were afraid of sharks or spiders or Mike Tyson. But gays? They smell nice, they drink good wine, and they're great at figure skating. What the hell is so scary about that? Although, to be fair, that Russian figure skater from the Olympics was terrifying. That guy looked like he could strangle a grizzly bear. With his hands. On ice. In a purple and gold leotard.

Middlebrow Answer: "Funny on 'Modern Family.'"
Yes, Cameron and Mitchell are hilarious. Yes, so are Will and Jack. Yes, so are all five of those nice ladies from 'Queer Eye.' I'll even admit that Rosie O'Donnell made me giggle a few times. But only when she wasn't ranting about Cutie Patooties or inviting some fourth-grader to build her desk out of blue marshmallows. But here's the real question about all these people: Are we laughing with them or at them?

The problem with gays in the media is that they're never just people; they're always gay people. I want a baddass firefighter character to join the cast of "Rescue Me," and only after he has saved like 12 people from a burning building and rescued three Iranian babies from a flaming car does he mention that he's gay. And when he does, the other dudes pass him a PBR and respond with, "So?"

Highbrow Answer: "Just as uninteresting as the rest of us."
So you like ballet. And Broadway musicals. And penises in your butt. Who cares. I have more important things to worry about than who's tying you to the bed and covering you with KY jelly at night. I have Marx to read. I have Adorno to critique. I can't be bothered with the trivialities of your sex life. I don't care whether you're fucking a man or a woman; either way, the sex you're having is way less amazing than the sex I'm having. Trust me.

Here's an idea. Let's just all stay out of each other's personal lives, okay? You want to have sex with a dude? Go for it. You want to make play-doh replicas of the Teletubbies and throw them at old people? Great. You want to dress like a 3rd century sod farmer and lip sync to Tina Turner in your bathroom? Awesome. Good luck. I'll stay out of your way if you stay out of mine. 123 Go.

Best of the Original Pokemon?

2010-09-29T22:24:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Pikachu
Admit it. You only like Pikachu because you can't come up with the name of any other Pokemon. You uneducated swine. This is a serious piece of Japanese culture and you just ignore it like it's a Jury Duty letter or a positive test result for HPV. Well. I have news for you. Pikachu sucks balls. Who wants a pet that electrocutes you when you touch it? What the hell sense does that make? It's like renting a stripper who infects you with the Bubonic Plague if she takes her clothing off. Just makes no sense.

And can somebody put a gag into this thing's mouth? Jesus. All day with the "Pika! Pika!" Hey Pikachu. Blow me! Blow me! How about you stop running around in the forest and get yourself into a classroom. Maybe learn Portugese or Farsi or one of those other South American languages. Then maybe I'd understand what the hell you're trying to say.

Middlebrow Answer: Squirtle
This little guy is a menace. He bows to no man. Fuck you and your rules - he's going drinking. Squirtle is a water-based Pokemon who eventually evolves into Blastoise. (See him here.) I'm sorry, is that artillery in your turtle shell? Do you literally grow mortars out of your shoulders? Jesus, that's awesome. The only thing that I grow out of my shoulders are pimples and that weird rash I got in Slovakia last year.

I will say, however, that "Squirtle" is a bullshit name. It's not badass AT. ALL. It sounds like:
- A sexual maneuver involving three or more bodily fluids.
- Some kind of detergent-based liquid ecstasy.
- The annoying, wets-himself sidekick in a Nickelodeon cartoon.
- An Eddie Murphy movie.

Highbrow Answer: Wigglytuff
Look at that shit. It's the bastard offspring of a rabbit and a Bean Bag Chair. On Acid. I want one. I want three. I want as many as it takes to build a pink army of fluffy, adorable destruction. That's how they get you. You look down and think, "Awwww..." right as the thing leaps onto your face and chews through your neck. Awesome.

Pokemon scientists (Umm, what? How do I sign up to be one of THOSE?) think that the thin layer of permanent tears around Wigglytuff's eyes are to prevent moondust from blurring its vision. I'm sorry, "permanent tears?" That's the most highbrow thing I've ever heard. It sounds like the name of symphony by Penderecki or a ladies' underwear line designed by Bjork. Either way, I'm sold.

Best Part of a Wedding?

2010-09-22T16:22:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Removing the Garter Belt

Look, I know you're excited about getting married, but do I really need to see you reach your hands in your wife's crotch in front of everyone you know? I feel like I'm on the set of a Jenna Jameson movie. Your 93-year-old Grandma Ethel is watching, for Christ's sake. Keep your mitts out of the cookie jar until the honeymoon.

And I thought the point of marrying a girl was that you don't have to share her with anybody anymore. Why would I pull off her garter belt and then give it to some jackass at the wedding? I have plans for that garter belt. I'm going to wear it around my penis during sex or make my wife eat it or some other weird thing I can think of now that I'm married and she has to do what I say.

Middlebrow Answer: The Toasts

Wedding toasts are tricky business. The good ones will make you cry and laugh and hug people at your table that you've never even met. The bad ones will make you want to stab yourself in the chest with a ballpoint pen. Here are some quick tips to help you avoid making an ass of yourself:

DO: Be honest and speak from your heart.

DON'T: Be too gay, though.

DO: Make fun of the Bride's father.

DON'T: Make fun of the Bride's Autistic dead grandmother.

DO: Talk about the couple's first date.

DON'T: Talk about your traumatic relationship with and subsequent retraining order on Lars, that creepy guy you met at the gym.

Highbrow Answer: The After-After-After Party

You know that little gathering that happens after the reception? The one where all the old people have gone home and it's just the young people drinking and dancing in the hall? Okay, well you know the little party that happens after that gathering? The one where the lame young people have gone to bed and it's just the cool kids hanging out in some dive bar in town? Okay, well you know the super small chillout session that happens after that? The one where it's just you and a bridesmaid in a hotel room watching cable and making out? THAT party is fucking awesome.

Weddings are great because everybody you meet has been pre-approved by the bride or the groom. There are no rejects in the crowd like at every other bar/restaurant/party/club/bullfight that you go to. Meet a cute girl? Go for it. She's the bride's best friend - there's no way she has AIDS or Herpes or an axe-murdering Slavic ex-boyfriend. So take her to your own little after-after-after party and walk down her aisle.

Best Denomination of U.S. Currency?

2010-09-13T13:20:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: The One Dollar Bill

I think the last time that anyone used one of these in an actual legal transaction was back in 1859 when James K. Polk bought the Oregon Territory from the Indians for like $3.89 or whatever. Since then, the dollar bill has become nothing more than a straw for snorting Cocaine or something to shove into the butthole of the stripper whose ass is in your face. Either way - decidedly lowbrow.

And can't we do any better than George Washington? I know he's the founder of the country and all that, but what a wuss. "I cannot tell a lie?" Why the fuck not? You're a politician, George. Sack up. The last thing that Americans want is a president who's honest all the time. We prefer gun-toting, bible-humping hicks from Texas who know how to jerk us around good and proper, thank you very much.

Middlebrow Answer: The $50 bill

Ulysses S. Grant is a badass. Any man who sees Robert E. Lee on the other side of a war and thinks, "Fuck that guy. Let's do this." is pretty hip in my book. He is also responsible for the 15th Amendment, which let freedmen vote. Any man who sees a bunch of KKK members and racists on the other side of congress and thinks, "Fuck those guys. Let's do this." is pretty hip in my book.

That being said, what the hell do you use a $50 bill for? It's too big to buy fish sandwiches at McDonald's with but too small to use to rent a Clydesdale horse for the weekend. It basically just sits in your wallet, taking up space and getting germs on that one condom that's been in there since 1997.

Highbrow Answer: The $10,000 bill

Bet you didn't see this one coming. The $10,000 bill was minted in 1945 and, even though it was discontinued in 1969, remains legal tender to this day. Bad ass. I'd love to walk into a Toyota dealership with three of these: "Yeah, I'll take the red Prius. No, thanks, I'll be paying with cash." They need to start printing these again; I could mug somebody at knifepoint and end up with the down payment for a Condo in Miami.

The guy on the $10,000 bill is Salmon P. Chase. Who's he? Oh, no big deal, he was just Treasury Secretary under Abraham Lincoln. He helped write this little document - you may have heard of it - The Motherfucking Emancipation Proclamation. I love historical dudes. They're always so much more impressive than we present-day folk. This guy helped free the slaves - my biggest claim to fame is that I won 3rd place in the 1991 North Andover Arbor Day Sack Race.

Best Figure in Diego Velázquez's "Las Meninas?"

2010-09-09T13:43:00.000-07:00

Check out the full painting here.

Lowbrow Answer: The Little Blonde Chick
You smug little brat. I see you giving me the Stink Eye. I don't care how wealthy your parents are - I'll wipe that smile off your face with a Brillo pad. And you're like five years old; you should be playing with dolls and kissing boys behind the jungle gym, not getting your nails done for a state dinner by some Flemish wet nurse named Helga.

And what the fuck are you wearing? You look like you're about to go play bass for The Arcade Fire. I could set a whole picnic up on the top of your skirt. Do yourself a favor and get into something a little tighter - you'll never marry a marginally handsome inbred English prince in that getup.

Middlebrow Answer: The Dog
Normally, I'm pretty anti-dog. They poop everywhere, they drool everywhere, and they smell like the inside of an NHL locker room. But check this guy out. What a legend. He's actually sneering. I like to think that somebody just offered him tickets to an Edward Albee play and he refused: "Albee? Are you fucking serious? What do I look like, some jackass English major from a small liberal arts school? It's Beckett or nothing, thank you very much."

This dog also looks like he's wearing black warpaint on his face. Bad. Fucking. Ass. I can think of only a few other things that are as awesome as a dog wearing warpaint:

- A flying Panzer Tank
- Powdered Donut-flavored gum
- A Polar Bear in a bowler hat smoking a cigar
- Brad Pitt from "Fight Club" beating the shit out of Brad Pitt from "Meet Joe Black"

Highbrow Answer: The Crazy Dwarf Lady
This chick smiles for no man. You want her to look pretty for your painting? Fuck you and fuck painting. She has important dwarf stuff to do, like sing about the Yellow Brick Road or drown in a lake.

Dwarfs are epic. In Norse mythology, they're the metal workers of the Gods, which means if Lord Odin ever needs a new sword or a trowel or chrome rims for his Cadillac - he calls in the Dwarf squad. The most famous Dwarf is probably Alberich, a central character from Wagner's 28-hour opera "Die Ring des Niebelungen." In the story, he forges a ring that brings about the death of all of the Norse gods. Not too shabby for a guy who wouldn't even be allowed to ride on Space Mountain.

I Am Running Right Now Because...

2010-09-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: It's Raining and I want to Get Inside.
Hey, sissy. It's just water. If it were raining chainsaws or wolverines with liver cancer, then I'd be okay with you running to get inside. But it's not. So grow a pair. You can take it, I promise. People in the 1800's used to kill buffalo using nothing but a homemade spoon and a wagon wheel. You can handle some water in your hair.

People get so crazy when it rains. It's like somebody flips the let's-drive-like-idiots-and-be-grumpy-all-day switch. Lighten up. It's only rain. Without it, we don't get any crops or any drinking water or any opportunity to get soaking wet while we do epic, hyper-romantic things for our girlfriends.

Middlebrow Answer: A Bear is Chasing Me.
Okay, while part of me thinks you should sack up, turn around, and kick the bear in the face, I understand why you're running. Bears are scary. Especially those big brown ones in Alaska that eat conservationist filmmakers. (Hiyo! "Grizzly Man" joke. Too soon?) You better be in good shape if you're running from a bear; some of them can get moving as fast as a Volkswagon Jetta or one of those other little pussy cars.

Instead of running from the bear, why not invite it over to your place for some green tea and lemon squares? Or maybe take it to a Twilight movie or something. That's the thing about bears, man. Nobody ever gives them a chance. We spend all our time running from them when, really, all they're looking for is a nice meal and some good conversation. Although maybe I'm wrong. I haven't taken any biology since 6th grade.

Highbrow Answer: The Boston Marathon is Coming Up.
Competitive running is sport in its purest form. No cheerleaders or foul shots or extra points here. Just men in tiny shorts running for two hours. (sidebar: can somebody explain to me the reason for the extra point? He's kicking the ball from like, ten yards away. They never miss. Just give the guy seven points for the touchdown and let's move on with our lives.)

Long distance running, particularly, is the sport of kings. You ever run a marathon? It blows. Your legs burn, your arms ache, and your nipples bleed. Yes. You heard me right. Your nipples bleed. Sounds fun, huh? It's not. It's horrifying. Which is exactly why it's so fucking highbrow.

Best Indians?

2010-08-31T16:51:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Indians from Cleveland
God, I hate baseball. Let's sit around for three-and-a-half hours and watch overweight rednecks spit chewing tobacco at each other. Awesome. Sign me up. And as if the game weren't already bad enough, the Cleveland Indians suck at it. They haven't won the World Series since 1948. I know that everyone loves "Major League," but come on; your franchise's claim to fame is a Charlie Sheen movie? Since when was that something to brag about?

And let me get this straight. You're choosing a mascot and you go with "Chief Wahoo?" Really? I would love to have been in the room when that decision was made.

Executive 1: How about a cartoon Indian Chief who looks like a meth-addicted pedophile?
Executive 2: I like it.
Executive 3: I love it.
Jeff: Are you on crack?

Middlebrow Answer: Indians from India
If you're from India, chances are you're Hindu. Which means you pray to epically awesome deities like Ganesha and Shiva and that one that looks like a drunken chimpanzee. If I have the choice between worshiping an angry, thirteen-armed Elephant man or a boring, lives-with-his-parents carpenter from Bethlehem, I think you know which way I'm going to go. Here's a hint: it's the angry, thirteen-armed Elephant man.

Although, to be fair, India needs to get its fucking act together. They've got way too many people, way too much flooding, and way too much not enough food. How about we put down those cricket bats and start problem-solving, eh India? Oh, and I'm sorry, but there's no way that cows are sacred. God is laughing at you, I promise. Now Platypuses - that's another story. Those things are awesome.

Highbrow Answer: Indians from North America
Good lord, it must be rad to be an Indian. Have you ever seen "Last of the Mohicans?" Killing deer with a bow-and-arrow from 400 yards away, tracking people through the woods using only footprints and the smell of local flora, shouting, "Stay alive - I will find you" to hot white chicks. The closest I ever get to being an Indian is when I shop for moccasins at LL Bean.

You'll find no group of people with more broken dreams than the Native Americans. Intentional smallpox infections, genetic alcoholism, the Trail of Tears, falsified treaties, and the Washington Redskins are all part of America's giant "Fuck Off" to Native Indians. Maybe someday they'll fight back and scalp half of congress in a massive horse-ridden attack on Washington DC. It'd be okay with me as long as Orrin Hatch was in the half they got.

It's Saturday Night. I'm Super Excited to...

2010-08-24T18:00:00.001-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Get Drunk at a Bar.
Can somebody please explain bars to me? I don't get it. You stand in a tiny room that smells like the inside of the machine they use to pump the stomachs of freshmen girls at Florida State so that you can overpay for shitty alcohol and yell into your friends' ears from seven inches away. Man, that sounds awesome. I can see why EVERYBODY loves it so much. Sign me up.

Who are you meeting at these places? Any girl who's even remotely attractive is surrounded by three fatties and a gay dude, anyway. At minimum, talking to her will cost you four Vodka-Sodas and a healthy groping from "Paul." Gag me. Instead, why not just drink the four Vodka-Sodas yourself and watch in amazement as the ugly girls you had previously ignored transform into Penelope Cruz.

Middlebrow Answer: Dance My Face Off.
Dancing rules. It's the only social interaction that allows you to ram your junk into some girl's crotch without being maced. Plus you're on your feet and getting some exercise. Good for you. Keep at it. Maybe someday you'll loose that Freshman Fifteen and people will like you again.

Hey. Legions of white dudes in button-downs and polo shirts. Learn how to dance or stay the fuck out of my way. I don't come to your stupid football games and try to jump in at Wide-Receiver; don't come to my club and jerk around arhythmically while you make "fag" jokes and drink Corona. Ladies - you're partly to blame for this. If you see a douchebag who can't dance; don't dance with him. You wouldn't get into a car with somebody who didn't know how to drive, would you?

Highbrow Answer: Stay Home and Read Proust
Can you say, "Clinically depressed existential French repressed homosexual?" Proust can! This dude is the man. He starts writing essays at the age of eleven, he founds a literary review while he's still in school, and and he literally becomes nocturnal in his later years. He's most famous for a seven-part epic novel called, "À la Recherche du Temps Perdu," which loosely translates to, "I'm Marcel-fucking-Proust, Who the Hell are You?"

Home is great. All your shit is there, you don't have to pay for anything, and you can do whatever you want. Feel like eating a peanut butter and pickles sandwich? Go for it! Need to watch Die Hard 2? All yours! Wanna dry hump your teddy bear while listening to Michael Bolton and crying about your ex-girlfriend? Be my guest! You're in charge! Huzzah!

Best Care Bear?

2010-08-20T05:56:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Funshine Bear
"Funshine?" Really? Is that even a word? Somebody must have been huffing Xanex when they came up with this yellow idiot. Apparently Funshine Bear is the joker of the group, but given that this is the Care Bears, I wonder how incisive his pranks really are: "Oh, Funshine Bear. You gave me three hugs instead of two! Good one!" He should up his game and start playing some real practical jokes. Like lacing Wish Bear's coffee with Arsenic, for example. Hilarious!

I can't stand happy people. Wandering through life with vacant grins and wearing Dave Matthews Band t-shirts. Morons. Hey Funshine Bear. Why don't you go spend a year in Mogadishu and see if you're still smiling after you catch shrapnel in your knee from a carbomb and a radical Islamist rapes your wife with a copy of the Qur'an. Oh, and the Dave Matthews Band sucks balls.

Middlebrow Answer: Good Luck Bear
Good Luck Bear is a bad-ass. He's Kelly green, speaks with an Irish accent, and has a four-leaf clover on his tummy. I hear he also drinks a pint of Guinness with breakfast and has connections to the IRA. I wonder what Care Bear terrorism looks like. Probably just drive-by huggings and Molotov Cocktails made from juice boxes and peppermint sticks.

The problem with Good Luck Bear is that it's not like any of his lucky magic is being used for cool shit. He's not rolling up to Vegas with that slut Love-a-Lot Bear on his arm and winning 60-grand at the Craps tables. He's not getting any action on the Holyfield vs. Tyson fight, ya know? He's wasting all his talents on helping underprivileged homosexual unicorns or whatever the hell it is they do on this show.

Highbrow Answer: Grumpy Bear
Hey, you know what's shitty about life? EVERYTHING. People are drowning in floods in India. Oil is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. "Glee" is doing a Brittany Spears episode. There's no sense in ignoring it; you may as well embrace it. Grumpy Bear doesn't fuck around with useless things like smiling or hugging or being nice. He's too busy stabbing his arms with a sewing needle and writing lyrics for the metal band he's in.

Grumpy Bear has a big gray rain cloud on his tummy and is described as being cynical, surly, and rarely happy. Sounds like every cultural theory professor I've ever met. My kind of man. Grumpy Bear is also famous for negative sayings like "Bumbling Bitterbugs" or "Tishie-Tags," although I like to think what he really means is "Fuck this shit" or "I need a whiskey."

Best American Tall Tale?

2010-08-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Johnny Appleseed
Little known fact - Johnny Appleseed worked as a missionary for the Swedenborgian Church. No, really. The charity apple trees were just a conversation tactic: "My apples are crunchy and delicious, just like Jesus Christ." The Swedenborgian Church is an oddball offshoot of Christianity headed by a lunatic named Emanuel Swedenborg. You may know him by his nickname, "Sir TalksToGod McCrazyPants."

I'm sorry, but wandering around the country wearing a frying pan on your head and planting apple trees don't make you a folk hero - it makes you an irrational hobo. And why apples? Couldn't you give away something useful, like five-dollar bills or loaves of bread or iPhones? I can almost hear the excited shouts of poor villagers everywhere: "Hooray! Here comes Johnny Mac-Book-Pro!"

Middlebrow Answer: John Henry
Workers build railroads. Steam engine arrives, takes workers' jobs. Biggest, blackest dude ever challenges steam engine to race. Big black dude shits on steam engine's face. Big black dude dies. This story has everything: subtle dialectic on capitalist labor issues, commentary on post-modern race relations in a technological world, and a huge black dude kicking some ass with a sledge hammer. Yes please.

Although, if you're John Henry, what the hell are you doing working on the railroad? You beat a steam engine in a tunneling race, for Christ's sake. Imagine what you could do in the NFL. Or as a Designed Hitter in Major League Baseball: "Now batting for the Boston Red Sox, with 247 home-runs this season and an average of .787, John Henry." Then you could make some money and buy yourself some actual pants to replace those vagrant overalls.

Highbrow Answer: Old Stormalong
Alfred Bulltop Stormalong was a 30-foot-tall sailor from Boston who captained a massive ship called "The Courser." The vessel was so big that a stable of Arabian horses was kept aboard for his crew to get from one end of the deck to the other. Riding an Arabian horse while on a boat is the awesomest thing I've ever heard. Imagine if you were having sex with Penelope Cruz on top of the Arabian horse on top of the boat. Or if you were watching "Braveheart" while having sex with Penelope Cruz on top of the Arabian horse on top of the boat. Man, I wish I were a sailor.

You know how most mythic heroes had some arch-nemesis they spend their whole life battling? Ahab and the Whale, Beowulf and Grendel, Billy Madison and O'Doyle. Old Stormalong had one of those too. You may have heard of it. It was called The Kraken. Like, the motherfucking KRAKEN. The best part is that he died fighting it. With his bare hands. You have to respect any person who sees the Kraken, rolls up his sleeves, and thinks, "Let's do this."

Best Way to Avoid a Speeding Ticket?

2010-08-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Don't Speed
Booooooring. What, you want me to actually drive 35 mph? Are you kidding? I'm, like, a huge deal. I have places to be. People to let fawn over me. I can't be driving no speed limit. The speed limit is for grannies and nerds and people who watch "CSI: Miami." Fuck you, David Caruso. You can kiss my 55 mph ass.

I'm not into laws, anyway. They take all the fun out of life. I can't smoke inside, I can't skateboard in the Louvre, I can't stab my obnoxious neighbor with a 15th century Japanese broadsword, I can't marry my 18-year-old Jamaican pool boy in Texas. If I followed all the laws of this world, my life would be nothing more than a dull series of meals and masturbation until I died.

Middlebrow Answer: Buy a Radar Detector
There is something pretty James Bond about a radar detector. It seems like one of those impossible gadgets that only exist in action movies. Like guns that shoot around corners or that giant battering ram that looks like a wolf from Lord of the Rings. Imagine if James Bond had one of those. Man, he'd be unstoppable: "Ms. Moneypenny. Load that giant Wolf's Head battering ram thing into the back of my Aston Martin. I have a debt to settle with Goldfinger."

Although, have you ever noticed how everyone that has one of these is a douchebag? You never see some nice homemaker with a radar detector. It's always some asshole in a 1989 Thunderbird with bumper stickers on the back that say, "Make mine veal" and "No means yes, and yes means harder." Fuck those dudes. If only there were some sort of plague that was transmitted through Ed Hardy clothing. Then we'd be rid of them for good.

Highbrow Answer: Murder the Police Officer
This is going to be awesome, I promise. When the cop comes over to your window and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" You just turn to him, squint your eyes, and say, "Not as fast as the bullets from this Gatling Gun." He'll then say, "What Gatling Gun?" That's when you pull out your Gatling Gun and spray him in the face with it. You'll be a legend forever. Not even Bruce Willis is that cold. Score!

Murder is pretty awesome. It has all the ingredients of highbrow soup: violence, emotional distress, ruined families, and heartless brutality. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Let me just tell you that you're wrong. Murder isn't sad and terrible. VH1's television programming is sad and terrible. Paris Hilton's vagina is sad and terrible. Murder is ruthless and cruel. Hmmm, what else is ruthless and cruel? Oh, that's right. LIFE ITSELF.

Best Way to Ask a Woman for Sex?

2010-08-11T09:58:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: "Do you want to come over and watch a movie?"
Really? You meet a pretty girl in a bar and this is the line you use? You sound like an undergraduate econ major at some bourgeoisie New England college for kids who didn't get into Harvard. You know, like Trinity or Amherst. Gross. The only women you're going to get with this line will be polo shirt-wearing, sailing-in-the-summer-skiing-in-the-winter, daddy's little girl sorority sisters who will be booooooring in bed anyway. I'd rather watch paint dry.

Let's say you do actually get a girl to come home with you. Then what? You gonna actually sit down and watch a movie? Which one? How about The Goonies? You're already acting like an infant, you may as well go all the way. Besides, nothing gets a lady more in the mood than watching Sloth and Chunk make fun of that kid who played the fat hobbit in Lord of the Rings.

Middlebrow Answer: "You look tired. You want a massage?"
There's something a little smarmy about inviting a woman to take her clothes off to let you rub her, and acting like you're doing her a favor. Like she owes you something after you cover her in scented oil and rub her jubblies. Come on. You don't see armed robbers wandering into a Wells Fargo and volunteering to take some cash out of the vault so that the bank saves storage space.

I will say this: giving massages sucks. It hurts my hands, it takes forever, and all the woman does is lie there like a dead salmon, moaning about how hard her day was. I'm happy to do it, of course; I'm just sayin'. Ladies, just be sure to reward your man after he gives you a massage with something like a blowjob or football tickets or a blowjob.

Highbrow Answer: "Do you want to have sex?"
Here's a piece of advice for all you horny men out there: woman aren't idiots. They may be emotional and they may be irrationally excited about "Sex and the City," but they're not stupid. So why not man up and just say what you're thinking? They may reject your offer, but at least they'll respect your forwardness. What do you have to lose except your pride and your ego and your self-respect? Who the hell needs those things anyway?

The other point to remember is that any girl you meet is just as horny as you are; she's just better at hiding it. Women are like French pastries; soft and dainty on the outside, dark and naughty on the inside. You meet a cute girl and want to have sex with her? Cut the bullshit and tell her. She'll probably get turned on by your directness. Trust me, later, when she's ramming a nine iron up your ass and riding you like a schizophrenic jockey, you'll be happy you didn't wuss out and ask her to come over and watch a movie.

Who Should Bella Swan Be With?

2010-08-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Edward Cullen
Hey. Broody McGee. This isn't a Calvin Klein commercial; stop staring wistfully off-camera. And what's with the anguish? You're wealthy, you're immortal, and you're dating the hottest chick in town. Why don't you take off your pouty-pants and have some fun. Go bowling. Fly a kite. Stop acting like the lead singer of some Canadian indie band that opened for the Arcade Fire once but that nobody's ever heard of.

There is literally no reason for Bella to be in love with this doofwang. He's freezing cold, he can't bone her without ripping her to shreds, he's all obsessed with marriage, he's like 158 years old, and he plays stupid mind games. (Like purposely mentioning marriage in front of Jacob. Heartless bastard.)

To summarize. Edward is a frigid, elderly, abstinent conservative who says mean things to hurt others. So, Orrin Hatch. Bella is in love with Orrin Hatch.

Middlebrow Answer: Jacob Black
Does anybody else wonder where Jacob is keeping all these pairs of khaki shorts? He morphs into a wolf, his shorts rip off, and then he's back into human form with a brand new pair. Does he have a secret butler or something? Where is he buying them? His khaki shorts budget must be huge. I sure hope he has a member card at the Gap.

Jacob is the fucking man. He's handsome, he's loyal, and he's honest. He's the human version of a Golden Retriever. Plus you could do your laundry on his abs. He's also Native American, which means if you married him, your kids would get totally sweet deals on college tuition. Bonus.

Highbrow Answer: Alice Cullen
Fuck Edward and Jacob. Stupid boys. Who wants all that male ego and testosterone when you can have Alice's sultry smile and smooth skin? Alice is hot. She's smart, she's sexy, and I bet hooking up with her would be something like riding a bull that's high on PCP. Yeee-haw.

Oh, and no big deal, but Alice can SEE THE FUTURE. Um, awesome. Think of how much easier your life would be. Hey Alice, am I going to get that job that I want? Hey Alice, will Barack Obama get reelected? Hey Alice, is this thing on my butt just a pimple or should I go see a doctor? Oh, Alice, I love you.

Best Outdated Science?

2010-08-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Eugenics
You know your "science" is in trouble when I can disprove the whole field in one short blog entry. Let's look at some of the primary tenants of Eugenics, shall we? Come on along with me.

1. Black or brown people are quantitatively dumber than white people.
Oh, yeah. Because Frederick Douglass, Gandhi, and Nelson Mandela are fucking idiots.

2. Black or brown people are physically inferior to white people.
Can you say, "Jesse Owens?"

3. People with physical deformities are lesser human beings than those that are able-bodied.
I guess you're right on that one. I mean, what did retards like Stephen Hawking, FDR, or Itzahk Perlman ever do for me?

Eugenics can blow me. Human diversity is rad. Nazis suck. And REM is the best band ever. (Okay, that last one doesn't really go, but it's still true.)

Middlebrow Answer: Alchemy
Alchemy is an ancient art that attempts to change base metals into gold. Literally, it's using chemistry to make money. And by "make money," I don't mean like how a chemist today would go into his soul-sucking corporate douche job at Pfizer and spend all day creating boner medicine makes money. I mean like taking a wad of raw Aluminum or copper or whatever and using rad chemicals like Borax to literally turn it into money. Awesome.

(Speaking of Borax, how great a name would that be for a Scandinavian Metal Band? Right?)

There is one problem with Alchemy; it doesn't work. Like, at all. So when you say you're an "Alchemist," what you're really saying is, "I'm a failure." It's the same as introducing yourself as a Cold-Fusion physicist or a member of the 1980 USSR Olympic hockey team or Lindsay Lohan. Nobody wants to be those things. Especially that last one.

Highbrow Answer: Kremlinology
No, really, this is a serious thing. I didn't make it up. It's the study of Soviet politics in an effort to understand the inner workings of an opaque central government. If you don't have a highbrow boner from that definition alone, stop reading this blog. No, I mean it. Stop reading. Why don't you go see what's happening in the Charlie Sheen case over on TMZ.com or wherever it is that you get your horrid prole news. Go ahead. I'll wait.

What's great about Kremlinology is that all of its leading scholars are obscure philosophers from the 1940's and 50's. Badasses like Zbigniew Brzezinski, Llewellyn Thompson, and Hélène Carrère d'Encausse. I think I'm going to buy a litter of puppies and name them all after famous Kremlinologists. It'll be a great way to meet women at the dog parks.

Me: "Hey, I like your dogs. What are their names?"
Hot Brunette: "Rover and Milo. How about yours?"
Me: "The little one is Llewellyn and the dalmatian is Zbigniew."

Best Judd Apatow Film?

2010-08-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Knocked Up
See, the point of romantic comedies is that you're supposed to like the main characters. I shouldn't be spending the entire film wanting to ram a Mongolian Horse into the anus of the lead actress. Can somebody just shoot Katherine Heigl already? Aryan bitch. Her continued existence is a mockery of modern cinema, just like the Transformers movies or the Wayans Brothers.

And I'm sorry, but this isn't the 1500's. You don't have to keep a baby that you don't want. You get pregnant by some dumbass with a Jew-fro, you abort that shit. Grab a rusty coat-hanger and pull it right out of there. If for no other reason than the kid is going to grow up to look like Seth Rogen. And nobody wants that.

Middlebrow Answer: Funny People
Involves death or cancer in some way: +1 point
Involves dramatic comedy or comedic drama in some way: -1 point
Involves semi-coherent conversations about existentialism: +1 point
Involves poorly-written jokes about boobs and penises: -1 point
Involves Eric Bana: +2 points
Involves Seth Rogen: -2 points
Involves watching rugby: +1 point
Involves watching Adam Sandler: -1 point

Well. Look at that. Dead even.

Highbrow Answer: There isn't one
Here's the thing. Using rambling and incoherent dialogue may make your film sound more "believable" and "realistic," but it also makes your characters look... Oh, I dunno, rambling and incoherent. Yes, your dialogue sounds real. I get it, the characters talk over each other and say "Umm" and "Ahh." But I didn't come to the movies to get closer to idiot, sex-crazed teenagers; I came to the movies to get farther away from them. Well, that and to see the previews. God, I love previews.

The biggest problem with Apatow, however, is that all of his films are the fucking same. It's just one big annoying formula:

(Dopey, Love-lorn guy + Out-of-his-league girl) X (Bathroom humor + Sexy hi-jinks) / Seth Rogen = Judd Apatow Empire

Blow me, Seth Rogen. You being untalented and "average guy" doesn't make you endearing; it just makes you untalented and average.

Best Toy Story Villian?

2010-07-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Stinky Pete (Toy Story 2)
He's old. He's fat. And he smells. Remind me again why we're supposed to be afraid of him? I feel like even Jessie the Yodelin' Cowgirl could have beaten the shit out of this doofwang. Although, I guess that would have made for a pretty anti-climactic film:

Woody: Quick Buzz, we have to get out of here before Stinky Pete shows up!
Jessie: Stinky Pete? Are you serious? That's who we're running from? He's like an Alzheimer's Santa Clause.

Jessie stops. Turns. Bitch-slaps Stinky Pete, who falls to the floor crying.

Buzz: Good work, Jessie. Well. That solves that problem. Hmmm. So. Umm. You guys wanna go get a beer or something?

Middlebrow Answer: Sid (Toy Story)
Can we get this kid some Ritalin? Or maybe a lobotomy? And where the hell are his parents while he's using illegal explosives and setting fires? You know how sometimes you see those serial killers on the news who have murdered and skinned 36 women using only an ice-cream scoop and you wonder where the hell they came from? Sid. Sid is where they came from.

You do have to admire his artistry though. He's got a Doctor-Mengele-meets-FAO-Schwartz thing going on. Some of his creations look like those weird little Japanese toys that sell for $16 a pop. What a racket. I should start cutting the heads off barbie dolls and replacing them with fishing hooks and razor blades. I'll call them, "Barbie Mauls" and make a fortune. I'll probably get rich way faster that way then with this Cocaine business I've got going. Damn junkies always asking to pay on layaway.

Highbrow Answer: Lots-O'-Higgin' Bear (Toy Story 3)
This dude is twisted. He lures you in with his delightful laughter and his stomach that smells like fresh strawberries only to tear you away from your friends and lock you in a prison. He's the Adolf Hitler of plush toys. (Historical Fun Fact: Hitler suffered from a rare genetic condition that caused his stomach to smell like Alabama Sweet Cherries)

And how about his henchmen? Jesus. I'm going to have nightmares about "Big Baby" until the day I die. There's nothing scarier than fucked-up looking children. Well, maybe spiders. With their furry legs and those little fangs. And don't even get me started on snakes. Sheesh. Give me the willies.

Best Fad Toy?

2010-07-28T11:41:00.002-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: The Boomerang
Let me get this straight. I throw it, and it comes back. I throw it again, and it comes back again. I throw it a third time and... well, you get the point. Or, perhaps more appropriately, the complete lack thereof. Boomerangs were only fun for those kids who ate a lot of paste and had their name sewn to the outside of every piece of clothing they owned. Poor, dumb bastards.

I hate Australia. With their stupid accents and their shrimp on the barbie and their Crocodile Dundee. And what's the deal with Koalas? They look so cute and then when I try to pet one, it rips my esophagus out through my eye sockets. Mean little prick. No wonder you're endangered. Maybe if you were a little nicer, I'd stop cutting down your Eucalyptus trees to print cheap pornography and X-Men comics.

Middlebrow Answer: Pet Rock
This is some existential shit. Can a rock be your friend? Is there some kind of cosmic connection between nature and humanity? If I imbue an inanimate object with my own set of emotions, does that object become animate? How can light be both a particle and a wave? If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does that mean we're still inside the Matrix? Am I the only thing that's real, or is reality real and I'm just a version of myself inside that reality? E.T. phone home?

To be fair, however, punch yourself in the face if you ever bought one of these. It's just a rock. Like, a rock. Ya know, one of those stony things outside on the ground. You've heard of "outside" right? It's that place you go when you aren't strapped to your computer at your trivial job, sipping a double-double whipless half-caf mochachino and updating your Facebook status to: "Sipping a double-double whipless half-caf mochachino!"

Highbrow Answer: The Rubik's Cube
Remember how playing with one of these wasn't any fun? How you'd just spin the sides over and over until the thing feel apart and your dog started using it as a chew toy? Remember how your parents would encourage you to try and figure it out, even though you were much happier eating mud or shoving army men up your nose? Of course you remember all that. You're proletariat filth with no respect for three-dimensional geometry or mathematics.

The cube was created in 1974 by Hungarian sculptor and architect Erno Rubik. Those Hungarians. They can do anything. They invented ballpoint pens, noiseless matches, and holography. Their country was founded by direct descendants of Atila the Hun. (Hence, "Hun"gary) They have the highest rates of male cancer and female suicide in Europe. Ah, female suicide. The great trump card in the game of highbrow poker.

Best Environmental Disaster?

2010-06-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Oil Spill
Yeah, I get it. Oil spills fuck up our environment. Boo hoo. I'm sorry, but I'm not impressed by something whose worst casualties are endangered pelicans. I like baby seals and clown fish as much as the next guy, but come on. Where are the thousands of dead bodies? Where are the hundreds of flattened houses? Oil spills are the boring Jane Austen novels in the literature of environmental disasters.

Why are we still drilling for oil anyway? We have wireless internet and touch-screen computers and those little plastic things that help you peel oranges; can't we invent some better way to make energy? Maybe we could create some sort of circular device that could harness the power of the air. Like a mill, but for wind. Like, a "wind-mill." I dunno, maybe I'm just talking crazy.

Middlebrow Answer: Mercury Leak
So imagine you're building a big industrial factory and it's time to install the toxic waste drainage. And the two options are to either (A) pipe the toxic waste to a off-site facility or (B) dump it straight into the ocean. Which do you pick?

If you chose A, you're intelligent! Pat yourself on the back.
If you chose B, you're Japan! Stab yourself with a samurai sword.

From 1932 to 1968, the Chisso Corporation of Minimata, Japan, dumped lethal mercury into the town's harbor. As a result, thousands of people suffered mercury poisoning, which fucks with your neurological function and eventually kills you. Nice work, Japan. I guess I shouldn't be surprised - this is the country where you can buy used panties from vending machines and whose two biggest exports are dolphin-slaughtering and Hello Kitty.

Highbrow Answer: Gas Explosion
You can't see it or hear it, and by the time you smell it, your skin is melting off and you're spitting up your gall bladder. Fun, huh? The worst gas explosion in history was the Bhopal Catastrophe of 1984, when 40 tons of methyl isocyanate (aka, cyanide) leaked out of the Union Carbide plant and wafted into the city. It killed 4,000 people instantly and injured another 500,000. Gives new meaning to the term, "silent but deadly" eh?

What makes Bhopal truly highbrow is the fact that it happened in one of the poorest parts of India. Nothing like inflicting more damage on people who are already living well below the poverty line. It's like punching a Dalmatian at a rescue shelter. Heartless. But highbrow cares not for your trivial human emotions or your adorable spotted dogs.

Best Form of Marriage?

2010-06-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Polygamy
There are two kinds of men who actually believe in polygamy: Mormons and douchebags. And I'm not really a fan of either. The Mormons think they should have 80 wives because Jesus told them it was a good idea (crazy...) and the douchebags think they should have 80 wives because their raw sexuality it just too potent to be contained in only one vagina (douchey...). Either way, I think most of these men deserve a bazooka circumcision.

Polygamy is too easy. It robs you of all the depression and despair that comes with having one partner your whole life. Who wants that? All of the greatest art was created in the throws of depression or despair. If you have 80 different pairs of boobs to play with, how are you expected to create anything highbrow or intellectual?

Middlebrow Answer: Monogamy
On one hand, a monogamous relationship can be an amazing, fulfilling union. You form an unbreakable bond with your lover. You know their thoughts before they do. You go everywhere together, do everything together, you experience life as one unit.

On the other hand, booooooooring. People are lame, selfish, annoying creatures. Why would you want to live with one on a permanent basis? Or marry one? Or have kids with one?! Ugh. Stab me in the heart with a rotting pickle before that happens. (Mmmmm...pickles)

Highbrow Answer: Polyandry
Polyandry is when one woman has several husbands. Hot. Shit. Polyandry was made famous by this little group of Greeks - you may have heard of them - they're called THE SPARTANS. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't mess the Spartans. They'll send 300 of their best soldiers to your front door to kill all of your battle elephants and war rhinos.

Polyandry is great because it completely eliminates the male ego. Fuck the male ego. It's the reason we have nuclear war, rape, genocide, and the Transformer movies. Just imagine if women ran the world. Everything would be cleaner, we'd have fresh brownies every morning, and we wouldn't be spending all our money on our military when our schools are falling apart.

Best Square to be in During a Game of Four-Square?

2010-06-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: One
Look at you. You proletariat swine. You're nothing more than a whipping boy for the higher squares. Cannon fodder for the ruling classes. You step in, your hopes alight with the dream of moving up in the world, only to be bitch-slapped by the 3-square with a gnarly double-tap spike moments later. Get the fuck back in line; you don't belong here.

If this were a game of chess, you'd be a pawn. If this were the army, you'd be the infantry. If this were sex, you'd be the hand-holding at dinner before we got home. And who wants to be any of that shit? Nobody. Except maybe those weird kids you knew in high school who liked to play with swords and light woodland creatures on fire. They probably wanted to be that shit. They probably grew up and became that shit.

Middlebrow Answer: Four
The best part about being the Four Square is that you get to make the rules up as you go along. You're truly an elementary school dictator. Want everybody to sing Yanni songs while they play? Done! Want all the girls to take their shirts off and jump up and down around the edge of your square? Done! Want to enslave all the kids with red-hair until you've created a master-race of tan-skinned blondes and brunettes ? Done! Being in charge is fun! Wheeeee!

It does kinda blow to have everyone and their mother trying to kill you. It's like being a KKK Klansman walking through downtown Compton; you're going to have enemies wherever you turn. One minute, square number three is your best friend. The next, he's trying to ram a red rubber ball so far up your ass that your grandkids will need dental work. I can't live like that. I need to be able to sleep at night.

Highbrow Answer: Three
For every Wizard, there's the man behind the curtain. Hitler had Goering. Mario had Luigi. William Wallace had that crazy Irish guy in the dress who talked to God. Sure, being in charge is great. But being right behind the guy in charge is truly highbrow. You get to secretly pull all the strings without any of the public pressure. It's like being the "they" from "that's what they say."

Let's also not forget that three is rad all by itself. It's a prime number, a Lucas number, and a Fibonacci number. Chew on that, four and five. It's also the subject of the best "Schoolhouse Rock" song ever written. Don't even try to disagree with me on that - I'll fight you. "Conjunction Junction" and "I'm Just A Bill" can suck my balls.

Wait for it...

2010-06-09T19:39:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

NOT OUR CLASS DEAR will resume daily postings starting next MONDAY, June 14th. So get excited, you prole filth.

-jeff

ps. If you don't know who this man is, stop reading my blog. Dumbass.

Best Character from The Matrix?

2010-05-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Apoc
Let me get this straight. You get to choose any name you want for your Matrix persona, and you went with "Apoc?" What the fuck is an Apoc? It sounds like some kind of anal fissure or musical instrument from the 1490's or a North Korean social media website. Why didn't you go with something awesome like "Xanthar, Destroyer of Worlds" or "Sir Bone-a-lot" or "Lorenzo Lamas." Idiot.

Also, remind me again what you did in this movie, exactly. If my memory serves me, you showed up at a telephone and then fell over dead. Man. Tough character work, huh? How did you prepare for the role? Spend hours and hours waiting by a payphone and then fainting when it rang? What a wuss.

Middlebrow Answer: Cypher
There's something inherently awesome about being a traitor. Just look at Benedict Arnold. I bet you can't name me a single military leader from the American Revolution (George Washington doesn't count, smartass) but you know his name. Why is being a traitor awesome? Because fuck being a team player. All the other kids on your team suck.

Of course, this idiot couldn't be more inept if he tried. All you have to do is unplug everyone, jackass. Just pull the wire out from the back of their head. But no. You have to talk to Trinity and explain your whole plan like some kind of moronic Bond villain. And hey, instead of just shooting at Tank and assuming he's dead, why not, say, cut his head off? Or throw his body into a furnace? Or MAKE SURE HE'S DEAD. Christ.

Highbrow Answer: Mouse
Have you ever noticed how awesome little squirrelly dudes are? Think about it. The best characters in movies are always the timid, neurotic geniuses. Like Rat from "The Core" or Rockhound from "Armageddon" or Funshine Bear from "The Care Bears Movie." Mouse is no different. Neo saved the world? Who cares. Mouse created that chick in the red dress. Yum.

And how about his death scene? You have to respect anybody who, when faced with certain death, pulls out two grenade launchers and thinks: "Fuck it." I wish more people would make that choice. Just imagine if after they nailed Jesus to the cross, he had pulled out two flame-throwers and melted 150 Romans in a fiery blaze of glory. Then maybe I'd be into Catholicism.

Best Reason to Hate Somebody?

2010-04-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Because of their Race
Are you kidding me with this? What are you, five? Being racist hasn't been cool since the 1950's, and even then it was fucking lame. Grow up. Minorities are great. Without them, we wouldn't have this little thing called ALL OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION. Sorry to break it to you, but mankind started in Africa and then spread to Asia. So just remember, the next time you lay your racist white head down to sleep, that some ancient ancestor of yours was probably a black man from China named Muhammad Abbas.

The worst part about racists is how afraid they are to admit it. They'll scream the "N" word at the top of their lungs until there are actual black people around. Then they're quiet as can be. Cowards. If you're going to be racist, at least have the stones to take off your stupid white hood and wander around in a Nazi SS uniform, waving the Confederate flag, and carrying your lynchin' rope. At least then you won't be a racist prick and a pussy.

Middlebrow: Because of their Religion
I'm usually pretty anti-religion, but I'm not going to hate somebody just because they talk to an invisible man that they believe lives in the sky. That's more funny than it is threatening. I mean, how can you hate a Buddhist? They just sit there and agree with anything you say. Or a Unitarian Universalist? Those guys are amazing. I told them I wanted to worship Radiohead as my new God and they had their organist play "Ideoteque" after last week's sermon. Genius.

On the other hand, some religions are just plain stupid. The Mormons think black people aren't going to Heaven. The Scientologists think God is coming to rescue them in a spaceship. Evangelicals think Jesus rode a Tyrannosaur through the streets of Jerusalem. I have no tolerance for that type of idiocy. You can hate those people all you want.

Highbrow Answer: Because They're Breathing
Have you ever noticed that everyone you know is an idiot? Yeah, me too. Even if they're smart about one thing, they're a moron about something else. Like Nobel scientists who are religious, or brilliant musicians who name their kids after tropical fruits. Just save yourself the trouble and buy a shotgun. Sit on your porch, and if anyone comes by, blow their brains out. Whoever it was, they deserved it, I promise.

People blow. We start wars, we rape the planet, we slaughter animals, and we produce shows like "Jersey Shore" and "The Bachelor." No wonder God hates us. Screw just kicking us out of Eden, I would have burned the whole garden down.

Best Volcanic Eruption?

2010-04-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Mt. Eyjafjallajokull, Iceland - 2010
What is this shit? No piles of dead animals, no rivers of molten rock, no clouds of super-heated poisonous gas melting people alive. In other words: no fun. I'm going to start printing novelty t-shirts and selling them in Iceland: "My volcano exploded and all I got were delays at Heathrow Airport."

Speaking of which, All I've heard this week arenews reports about European airport delays. Boo. Fucking. Hoo. Quit your whining. Thirty years ago we didn't even have commercial airlines. Oh, how horrible. You're stuck in beautiful southern Italy. You can't get back to your worthless job as an I-banker and have to spend an extra five days on the beach in Sardinia. Poor you. Ass Monkey.

Middlebrow Answer: Mt. Vesuvius, Italy - 79 AD
In one of the most famous eruptions of all time time, Mt. Vesuvius explodes and wipes the Roman towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum completely off the map. Ten feet of ash falls onto Italian soil. The heat is so intense that many of the victims are found with the tops of their heads missing—their brains having boiled and exploded. That's right, exploding heads. The ten-year-old inside me just popped a boner.

Although, am I really impressed by something that just kills a bunch of Italians. If that were the case, I'd be in love with the 1943 Allied Invasion of Sicily. (Hiyo! World War II joke! What UP?!) Vesuvius is certainly cool, but come on. These aren't Russians we're talking about. They're Italians. I could kill 50 of them right now just by snipping the break-lines on a few Vespas.

Highbrow Answer: Mt. Tambora, Indonesia - 1816
On April 10th, Mt. Tambora is 13,000 feet tall. Five days later, on April 15th, the mountain has spewed 93 cubic miles of ash and debris into the air and is now just 9,000 feet tall. Talk about a crash diet. It's like bulimia on steroids. The eruption kills 92,000 people, and another 100,000 from starvation and lung-problems in the following six months.

"Oh my god," you might be thinking. "All those people dead. That's so terrible." I wouldn't worry about it. Most of them were morons anyway. Especially the ones that thought, "Let's live at the base of an active volcano. The view here is great."

What's really amazing is the effect this blast had on the planet: 1816 became known as the “year without a summer” because of the volcanic ash in the atmosphere that lowered worldwide temperatures. It snowed in New England that June, and crop failures were common throughout Northern Europe and North America.

So. To conclude with a little math: (Mass Destruction + High Death Toll) x (Worldwide Devastation + Random Act of Nature) = [Proof that life is meaningless] = High/Brow

Best Karaoke Song?

2010-04-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey
She's just a small town girl and she took the midnight train going anywhere? How? Where the hell are this girl's parents? Getting on a train to meet up with some strange city boy sounds like the opening sequence of NBC's "To Catch a Thief." I can guarantee you that girl is going to end up drunk on the floor of some motel with her pants around her ankles, while Mr. City Boy hotfoots it to Mexico with her purse.

And as if this song weren't already annoying enough, those miscreants from "Glee" had to go and cover it. So now we've got an entire race of perky teenagers humming the tune while they listen to their pink iPods and text their friends. Where's a mass infanticide when you need one.

Middlebrow Answer: "We are the Champions," by Queen
You are the champions? Of what? You just win the World Cup? Capture the Super Bowl? Eat 129 hot dogs in three and a half minutes? No. No, you didn't. Because you're a balding fat-ass singing karaoke in a rundown Marriott in New Hampshire. You're a lot of things, but a champion isn't one of them.

Although, it's hard to argue with Freddie Mercury. What a badass. Ridiculous voice, awesome tight pants, and great music. Rumor has it that when Mercury found out he had AIDS, he ignored doctors and just threw a bunch of wild parties before he died. Makes sense. Let's see, do I want to waste away in a hospital bed or snort cocaine off a retarded midget's titty?

Highbrow Answer: "The Dead Flag Blues" by Godspeed You! Black Emperor
It's seventeen minutes long. There is no singing. It features apocalyptic poetry and weird ambient noise. If you've never heard this song, click here and get educated on the first ten minutes of it, at least. Think of it as an investment in your future. A little gift from me to you.

I can just picture the scene. A crowded Alabama bar with a shitty karaoke machine in the corner. A blond slut just sang "Like a Virgin" in the single most non-ironic ironic moment ever. They call your name. You take a deep breath, pull up your skinny jeans, and step toward the mic. Four minutes into this song, people start to boo. Eight minutes in, they start throwing beer. Sixteen minutes in and The Department of Homeland Security shows up to arrest you for being Un-American. Mission accomplished. Highbrow achieved.

Best of the New Star Wars Movies?

2010-04-08T13:17:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: The Phantom Menace

Good lord, what a mess. Did George Lucas just take a dump onto his keyboard and then film whatever came out in Microsoft Word? Actually, that probably would have been an avante-gard masterpiece. This is something worse. Something unholy. This movie is like that weird guy you see in church who spends all his free time jerking off to the Old Testament. It just ain't right.

And where the hell did we get this kid? Is his hair long to cover the lobotomy scars? I think you would have gotten a better performance if you had literally just hired somebody off the street and had them read from the script on camera.

Middlebrow Answer: Revenge of the Sith
I'm on board with any film that features multiple infanticides. Kids are annoying anyway. Always wiping their boogers on my furniture and breaking my windows with their baseballs. Can't we just send the children of America to some kind of distant island compound until they turn 11? Then maybe we wouldn't have so many illiterate, 9-year-old fatties in our middle-schools.

Although, this whole movie is ruined by one single moment. Can you guess what it is? Of course you can. It's this. Are you kidding me, Lucas? I've seen better dramatic moments from the woman selling Onyx Vagina Bracelets on QVC. Kill yourself.

Highbrow: District 9
Man, this movie was fucking awesome. Right? Back me up on this one. Best film of 2009, if you ask me. What's that? What's that you say? "District 9" isn't one of the new Star Wars movies? Oh. Huh. That makes sense. I wondered how it was so good when all the others were so bad.

What happened, George Lucas. Your entire prequel trilogy sank like poor immigrants on the Titanic. There is literally not one good scene or moment in any of the new films. Except maybe Natalie Portman's midriff in the second one. Although, it's not like I'll ever get to touch that anyway. Do I really want to stare at the unattainable? It'd be like watching porn after both my hands were cut off. (Get it? That's a masturbation joke.)

Best Thing to do on a Long Car Ride?

2010-04-05T16:27:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Watch a DVD
Hey wealthy douchebags of America: stop pampering your jerkoff kids. They don't need Tiffany earrings when they're twelve, they don't need vacations in the Hamptons, and they don't need to watch movies in the car. They need a few days of hard work and my foot up their ass.

The worst thing about these is that the kids are never watching anything good. If little Timmy were watching Lars Von Trier's "Dogville" on the way to soccer practice, maybe I'd be okay with the DVD player in the car. But he's not. Little Timmy is watching "The Suite Life of Zak and Cody" and picking his nose. Because little Timmy is a moron, just like his parents.

Middlebrow Answer: Play Car Games
"I Spy" is the greatest game ever created. It's so beautifully simple. You see something - other people guess what it is. Period. There are no special rules or electric buzzers or phoning-a-friend. You just guess. Now THAT'S entertainment. I haven't been this excited since I jaunted around the maypole last St. Crispin's day.

The problem with car games is that, for them to work, you need other people, who may or may not be complete idiots. You can't really play "I Spy" by yourself. (I mean, you could, but they take kids like that away and put them in rubber rooms) You have to play with your cousin or your brother or your friend, and your cousin/brother/friend is usually way less intelligent than you are. Especially if you're me.

Answer: Sit Still and Be Quiet
There's this thing that was invented hundreds of years ago that you may have heard of. It's called "Patience." It's when you shut your mouth and sit still. Sound kind of boring? Yeah, it is. But oh well. Suck it up, you spoiled bitch. Life's not supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be long and arduous and full of shit. Kind of like my lower intestine.

Car rides are great for thinking. Try it some day. Unplug your laptop and switch off your iPod and silence your cell phone and put away your Kindle and logoff your Facebook account and disconnect your GPS and close your Nintendo DS and just let your mind wander. You'll think of all kinds of good stuff that you can tell your friends about on Twitter.

Best Alter-Ego in "Calvin & Hobbes"?

2010-03-31T16:18:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Spaceman Spiff
Spaceman Spiff is the single worst pilot in the history of space travel. He's always lost, he's always crashing his ship into some desolate rock, and he's always getting attacked by weird creatures. How the hell did he even graduate from the Intergalactic Universe Academy or wherever? He's the underachieving frat-boy douchebag of the Star Fleet.

What's Spaceman Spiff even doing anyway? Just exploring the galaxy? Who is paying for this? Is he on commission? He isn't drawing any maps. He isn't sending any reports home. I don't understand why he's out there. How about he get his lazy ass home and take care of his family. Deadbeat.

Middlebrow Answer: Tracer Bullet
Tracer Bullet is some serious shit. He doesn't fuck around. He fights crime, he carries a .38 revolver, and he doesn't take your sass. And he wears a fedora. I need to start wearing one of those. Then maybe my yoga teacher will take me seriously.

On the other hand, Tracer Bullet is a total misogynist and I hate misogynists. They're just as bad as homophobes, racists, and Twilight fans on Team Edward. (I'm sorry, but Jacob is way better. Edward can take his pasty skin and his emo brooding and shove it.) Anyway. To the point. Don't mistreat women. They're really nice people and they let you have sex with them.

Highbrow Answer: T-Rex
Screw cool names and secret identities and moron spacemen. I'll just be a dinosaur. I want to step on stuff and eat Brontosauruses and scare the bejesus out of passing Jurassic Park visitors. A T-Rex is the physical embodiment of every man's dream day-job: wake up, eat red meat, destroy things at will, go to sleep.

Calvin's version of a T-Rex is great because he's all hopped up on testosterone and sugar. I imagine a normal T-Rex is probably pretty docile most of the time, but not Calvin. He's always attacking villagers or eating the Golden Gate Bridge. Destruction is totally highbrow. Fuck creating something new. We're all going to die anyhow, so let's just break stuff until we do.

Best "stan" Country?

2010-03-30T15:52:00.004-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Kazakhstan
Let me guess this straight. You had to pick a day for Khazakh independence, and you chose December 25th? Really? You didn't think that maybe people were already busy on that day? Like, maybe they had a tree to decorate or presents to open or an important birthday to celebrate? No wonder nobody comes to your Independence Day parades. Idiots.

And does anybody else want to stab Borat in the eye with a spoon? Yes, the movie was funny. Yes, Sacha Baron Cohen is amazing. No, I don't want you hear you say, "Very nice!" Yes, I would like it if you crashed your SUV into a brick wall. No, I will not cry at your funeral.

Middlebrow Answer: Afghanistan
Okay, fair play to any country that can successfully piss the United States off and get away with it. Afghanistan is that kid in your neighborhood who throws rocks at your house but never gets caught. And you wonder why your windows keep breaking and why your wife lives in fear and you'll never know because that little kid is a wily motherfucker.

Although, on the other hand, Afghans are lame. The dogs, not the people. They've got long, flowing blond hair and skinny legs. They look four-legged versions of like Paris Hilton, only way cuter. If Suzanne Sommers got turned into a dog in some low-budget, whimsical Disney film, she'd be an Afghan.

Highbrow Answer: Kyrgyzstan
Okay, on the count of three, correctly pronounce the name of this country.

1....2....3....

Wrong.

Idiot.

Kyrgyzstan sounds like some special type of corrosive chemical or a Godzilla monster or the secret code for a nuclear launch site. Any way you roll it, it's badass. Just imagine how much cooler you'd be if your name were Kyrgyzstan. Maybe then I'd be your friend. Maybe.

Buried in Work

2010-02-28T21:11:00.001-08:00

Hey Kiddos. Buried in the end of the semester at UCLA.
Back in a bit.
Promise.

Marcel.

Best Storybook Animal?

2010-02-17T09:55:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: Clifford the Big Red Dog
Clifford lives with Emily Elizabeth, but I'm surprised he has lasted as long as he has without being arrested or tagged or shot down by the National Guard. Or drafted into the army and sent to Iraq. If I've learned anything about the US Military, it's that they love to put American flags all over potentially destructive shit and then dump it in The Middle East.

On a side note, where the hell are this girl's parents? She should be in ballet class or etiquette school or whatever it is that little girls do, not chilling with a massive beast that could swallow her in one gulp. And who is cleaning up after Clifford? Is anybody besides me concerned that he's dropping Buick-sized piles of shit all over the city?

Middlebrow Answer: Arthur
Arthur was a hipster before it was cool to be a hipster. Check him out: skinny jeans, red Converse, thick plastic glasses, and an off-color sweater. He looks like he could play bass for Grizzly Bear. Although, to be fair, I hate Grizzly Bear. Buy a pair of pants that fit, you douchebags.

Arthur is an aardvark. Aardvarks are "living fossils," which means they appear to be the same as a species otherwise only known from fossils and have no close living relatives. These species have all survived major extinction events. So. To summarize: Arthur is a hipster loner who was around during the dinosaurs and who is invincible to comet attacks or other forms of extinction. Can you say, "Awesome?"

Highbrow Answer: Babar the Elephant
Babar is an Elephant that travels from Africa to Europe, learns about government and civilization, then comes back and colonizes his own people into a kingdom. Now that is some oppressive, highbrow shit. What a tyrant. Babar is the elephant version of Pol Pot. I bet if you went out behind his royal palace, you'd find mass graves full of ape and lion corpses.

Babar is married to Celeste, who is his cousin. Let me say that again: Babar is married to his cousin. He also rules his kingdom in what is informally referred to as "gentle authoritarianism." Like it or not, authoritarianism and incest are two of the main ingredients for Machiavelli's "The Prince." And I bet you can guess what I think of that book.

Best Autobot?

2010-02-09T13:31:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: Optimus Prime
I hate leaders. And is anybody else really sick of kiss-ass, suck-up action heros? You know, those guys in movies who try to do good for literally no reason. And you ask them why they're good guys and they don't know.

Me: "Optimus, why are you fighting to save the human race?"
Optimus: "Because I must."
Me: "Right, but why must you?"
Optimus: "It is my destiny."
Me: "Says who?"
Optimus: "Says... Ummm... Says everybody."
Me: "You're a giant talking robot who can fly through space. Your technology, culture, and intelligence levels are all way higher than mankind's. Why the hell are you trying to help us?"
Optimus: "Because I must."
Me: "Hey, can I borrow your cannon-arm? I want to shoot you in the balls."

Middlebrow Answer: Inferno
Inferno is a fire truck. Like, a big red fire truck. Awesome. Fire trucks are incredible. They're one of the few things from being 12 years old that's still cool when I'm 26. Also on that list are snap bracelets, REM, the X-Men, and masturbating.

Of course, he's classified as a "search and rescue" bot. Fuck that. Who wants to go around cleaning up everyone else's messes? Your sole purpose is to rescue Bumblebee when that little yellow moron loses a wing or something. I hate bumblebee. They should have traded him to the Decepticons for a third round draft pick and two players to be named later.

Highbrow Answer: Mirage
I love this shit. Every other Autobot is some shitty Japanese car or Ford tow-truck, and Mirage is a Ligier JS11 Indy Car. Mirage is that guy in your high school who is bragging about having a threesome with two slutty gas station attendants while you're busy using a #2 pencil to try and erase the clothing on the models in the Sears newspaper ads. He's just way ahead.

Indy Cars are badass. Fuck this redneck NASCAR shit. Real men drive Indy Cars. There are no roll-cages, you're going almost 70 mph faster, and your head is sticking out in the air as you go. Dudes who drive Indy Cars are the same dudes who own Hyenas as pets, shave their faces with a Colombian machete, and fuck Paris Hilton WITHOUT a condom; they ain't scared of shit.

Best Kind of Masturbation?

2010-02-03T21:42:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: The Porn Wank
Look at you, hunched over your computer like some kind of cave troll. With your pants around your ankles and your door locked and your speakers turned down low so that your roommates don't hear Jenna Jameson crying out for more cock. You filthy bitch. Have some decency, man.

The hazard here is that you end up blasting your Chunky Homestyle Man-Chowder all over the keyboard of your computer. I can just see you at the Apple Store: "Hi, I sprayed some orgasm juice all over my keyboard and I need it fixed. Is there an app for that?"

Middlebrow Answer: The Tantric Wank
In this era of instant gratification, I'm impressed with anybody who can focus on one thing for more than 5 minutes. This is the generation that thinks that commercials are too long. Idiot teenagers expect a break every five minutes so that they can text their friends. If you can sit in one place and wax your dolphin for four hours, more power to you.

Who has the time for this shit though? I don't spend this much effort having sex with an ACTUAL woman. I'd like to think I'm an interesting enough guy that I don't have a free 2-hour window every night to jerk myself off. I'd like to think I'm an interesting enough guy that I can pay somebody else to do that for me.

Highbrow Answer: The Utility Wank
Sex in the first place is lowbrow. If it were up to me, 99% of the global population wouldn't be allowed to reproduce at all. If it were up to me, only the following people would be allowed to make babies, and only with each other:

- Slavoj Zizek
- Michael Frayn
- Phillip Glass
- Bjork
- Jonsi Birgisson
- Richard Dawkins
- Indira Ghandi

If you don't recognize those names, that's because you're prole filth who doesn't get to have babies. As far as wanking is concerned, if you're gonna do it, get in and get out. It's no supposed to be enjoyable; you're just clearing your head. Do you have fun taking the trash out or doing the dishes? No. So why enjoy this.

Best Reason to Hate "Avatar"?

2010-01-29T10:10:00.001-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: The Story Sucked
Newflash, Dill-Hole. Every single movie is just an amalgamation of a bunch of other movies. You noticed that "Avatar" is exactly like "Dances with Wolves" and "Fern Gully?" Congratulations, Sherlock. You should be a detective. Maybe you can finally figure out why Mary Kate Olsen looks so much like Ashley Olsen. That one has stumped me for years.

Who cares about story anyhow? You want a good story, go read a book. Going to the movies for a good story is like going to a Britney Spears concert for a good song. You just aren't going to get one. Just sit back, stop whining, and get busy creaming yourself over how amazing the graphics are. You terd.

Middlebrow Answer: The Casting was Weird
Okay, I'll admit. It's a little fishy that all the aliens are played by minority actors while all the people are white. Except Michelle Rodriguez. She's a minority. Although, she's not a minority like Cyprus Hill, 2Pac, and The Wutang Clan are minorities, she's a minority like Jackie Chan, Tiger Woods, and Colin Powell are minorities.

I will say that the acting as a whole was strong. Zoe Saldana didn't even appear on screen and I still wanted to bone her the entire time. Can you imagine fucking one of those alien chicks? Or even one of the dudes? I'd totally go gay for that one with the mohawk if he promised to stick his little octopus ponytail thing into my butt. Talk about a rectal exam. Whooo.

Highbrow Answer: The Closing Song is Ridiculous
Have you heard this shit? (listen here) Good god, Cameron. This is the highest grossing film of all time and this is the best you could do? You couldn't hire Radiohead or Beck or ANYBODY ELSE?

I love the words to this song. They basically summarize every bit of subtext in the movie. If you're going to be that blatant, why not go all the way with it:

This movie was about aliens fighting army dudes,
But it's really about nature and war and relationships,
Ooooo, Yeaahhhh.
The aliens can talk to the planet,
But that's just symbolic of their metaphorical connection to the earth.
Yeahhh, love and tanks and blue skin, Ooohhh.

I can just hear Celine Dion wailing away. Brings a tear to my eye.

Best Band with a Number in its name?

2010-01-27T16:09:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: Blink 182
You named your fourth album "Take off your Pants and Jacket." Really? You're using the punchline of a joke I heard in 5th grade as an album title? Jesus. It wasn't even funny back then. I'm pretty sure the dudes in Blink 182 are just three guys from middle school detention that somebody gave guitars to.

Have you ever heard these little terds play live? Or, should I say, have you ever heard these little terds TRY to play live? Good lord. Guys, I know you've sold like 40 million records, but maybe take a music lesson. Or thirty. See, there are these things called 'tuning' and 'rhythm' that I think it would be super helpful for you to figure out.

Middlebrow Answer: U2
If you forget that Bono can't sing anymore and forget that The Edge is probably balding underneath that little beanie hat and forget that their stage looks like some sort of massive robotic sex toy and forget that they could have replaced the drummer six times by now and nobody would have noticed and forget that some of their songs sound like weird versions of the 'Matlock' theme, then you realize: U2 are fucking good.

'Sunday Bloody Sunday' rocked my face off when I first heard it. The song literally climbed onto my face and had sex with my ears. And god, was it good. And 'Where the Streets Have No Name' is like the greatest tune ever written. It makes ANYTHING feel epic. You could put it underneath a Preparation H commercial and I'd wish that I had hemorrhoids. Barry Manilow could cover it and I'd want to do him. In his butt.

Highbrow Answer: Nine Inch Nails
These guys are so epic that they spell their number out. And I'm always going to support a band who references the death of Christ in their name. It's like how I'll always go home with a girl who tells me she can tie a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue. It's a sure thing that you'll have a good time.

Nine Inch Nails are incredible. They play slow, fast, hard, soft, rock, classical, whatever. Trent Reznor could switch to the bassoon and I'm sure it would sound amazing. He could record himself plucking his own testicle hair and I'd by the album. Plus, come on, how are you going to argue with a guy who has worked with David Lynch. David Lynch is to awesomeness as God is to the world.

Best Part of Christmas?

2010-01-22T01:49:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: The Birth of Christ
One little homeless baby is born and the next thing you know, we get a whole race of Evangelical idiots who hate Muslims, The Purple Teletubby, Jews, Science, Gays, and Women. Nice going, Jesus. Couldn't you have just stayed in the carpentry business instead of switching over to "Savior-ing?"

I hate birthdays anyhow. Especially one for somebody born over 2000 years ago. You don't see us baking a cake for Ghengis Khan or throwing a party for Octavius Caesar. You know why? Because they're fucking dead. They could care less if we're celebrating their birthday. They're too busy in Heaven having a threesome with Joan of Arc.

Middlebrow Answer: Presents
Here's a fun trick if you're bored. Buy a big black dildo and wrap it up. Put it under the tree and address it to your dad from your mom. Include a note inside that says, "I thought you might like this because you obviously have no interest in my vagina." Then just sit back, sip some eggnog, and watch your parents fight. Ah, Christmas. Good times.

Getting presents blows. Especially from your "kind-of" relatives. You know the people I mean. Those couples you only see at Christmas whose names you can't remember and who don't seem to even know who you are. They're names are usually something like "Janet and Ted." And they give you a purple sweater or a DVD of "PBS Masterpiece Theatre," and you have to awkwardly hug them and you hate it bacause they smell like moth balls. Die, Janet and Ted.

Highbrow Answers: Handel's Messiah
You know you're a badass when Beethoven, Mozart, and Haydn cite you as an influence. That's like Ron Jeremy saying, "Yeah, I try to fuck like Jeff King does." Handel worked for the English Royal Crown, he spoke like nine languages, and he composed 42 operas. FORTY-TWO. I can't even watch 42 minutes of a movie without getting distracted or needing to pee.

The Messiah is epic. Can you really argue with the Hallelujah Chorus? That shit is amazing. The Messiah is also the most famous instance of Handel's "Word-Painting." That's a technique whereby the melody of a song matches the words. As in, the word "high" would be sung on a high note, or "Valley" would be a string of notes that form a valley shape on the page. BAD. ASS. He's basically doing three types of art in one. You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.

When I'm seventy I hope to be...

2010-01-20T00:08:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: ...Playing with my grand-kids.
Grand-kids are the fucking worst. I should know, I used to be one. (Not anymore! Huzzah!) They're whiny, their fingers are covered in applesauce, and they always want money. Plus they have no concept of how great you are until you're dead. Being a grandparent is like being Van Gogh; nobody misses you until you're a corpse.

The other thing that blows is that your spoiled kids expect you to provide a free babysitter service to your grandkids. What is this shit? I got plans! I have shuffleboard tournaments to attend and prune juice to drink. Take care of your own little brats.

Middlebrow Answer: ...On the road, promoting the movie version of my life story.
Here's an idea. Turn off your iPhone, stop hanging out with your idiot frat friends from college, quit your job as a low-level corporate shill, and get out into the world and do something. Build a school in Honduras or clone a panda so that they don't go extinct or invent a machine that cleans your teeth while it cooks meatloaf. Then people will want to hear your story instead of wanting you to stop talking about the boring life you've lead.

Of course, it's all about who makes your movie. You might end up being played by Keanu Reeves or Ryan Phillippe, with Paris Hilton as your daughter. In that case, just shove an ice-pick into your eyes and you won't have to watch.

Highbrow: ...Dead.
Call me crazy, but I have no interest in pooping in my pants or getting Alzheimer's and talking to squirrels. Getting old blows. I'd rather just step on a landmine when I turn seventy. It's quick, it's easy, and if you set up a canvas beforehand, you can make a nice splatter painting as a goodbye present for your relatives.

Elephants have it right. When an old elephant realizes that he is slowing down the herd, he just hurls himself over a cliff and he's gone. Perfect. If only humanity worked the same way. Then we could have gotten rid of Dick Clark, Larry King, Oren Hatch, Joan Rivers, Neil Diamond, and Montgomery Burns by now.

Best Way to Be Anti-Religious?

2010-01-15T05:44:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: Be an Agnostic

As romantic as it may sound, Agnostics are really just people too gutless to be atheists. They don't believe in religion, but they're too cowardly to go all the way and tell God to fuck himself. It may be hard to identify an Agnostic within your group of friends. Lemme see if I can help.

Agnostics are people who...

- Get Henna Tattoos.
- Pay for a hooker but only get a blowjob.
- Buy a ticket to a Marilyn Manson concert and then avoid the mosh pit.
- Listen to the Arcade Fire.
- Love movies that feature Joseph Gordon-Leavitt.
- Voted for Ralph Nader

Just avoid them. They're useless anyhow. You know what they say: "When the going gets tough, Agnostics shit themselves."

Middlebrow Answer: Be an Atheist
I like the idea that you just become part of the earth when you die. I'd like it if they buried my body, I became dirt, then grass, then a pony came by and ate me. Ponies are amazing. Just look at them. It's a little pocket horse! How can you go wrong?!

There is a part of me, though, that thinks Atheism is just the latest cultural craze. Like quoting Richard Dawkins is now as cool as "Being Gay" or "Having a Tumor. " Fuck fads. Especially religious fads. First it's cool to be a christian, then it's not, then it is again, then it's not. Make up your damn mind, Jesus. I'm sick of your waffling.

Highbrow Answer: Stab an Evangelical
Where the hell did we get these people? Is somebody pouring mercury into the Midwest's water supply? They hate gays, they worship George W. Bush, and they refuse to have sex with me before marriage. Talk about downers. Could they be any less fun? I'd rather shave my face with a rabid dingo than spend an afternoon with an evangelical.

The best part of Evangelicals is the way they deal with children. Have you seen "Jesus Camp?" That shit is terrifying. You know, I can think of another group of people who indoctrinated kids at such a young age. Who got them all together and put foul thoughts into their heads. Need a hint? It starts with "N" and it's "Nazis."

When Life Hands You Lemons...

2010-01-13T01:46:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: ...Throw a tantrum.
I love people who get upset when things don't go their way. Like crying and whining does anything but make you look like an idiot. If crying about my problems made them go away, I'd watch "A Walk to Remember" at the start of each day and be all set. That Nicholas Sparks. He just gets me.

Everybody has that one friend who is a complainer. You know the guy. The sun is always too bright, the room is always too cold, his stomach is always just a little queasy. I hate that guy. I hate him so much. Hey. Dude. Grow a pair. Stop whining or I'll ram a beehive up your ass.

Middlebrow Answer: ...Make lemonade.
Lemonade is good. Really good. Have you ever had that kind where they mix in pieces of actual lemons? Damn, that shit is amazing. I would drink lemonade every day if I could. Lemonade and hot dogs. I love hot dogs. Especially those red ones that come with the cheese already stuffed inside them. Yum. Wait, what were we talking about?

This answer is an optimistic one, but fuck optimism. The world is shit. You're useless. Your writing is terrible. Your art is atrocious. Those Donruss baseball cards you've been saving since you were five aren't worth anything. Your Golden retriever will get hit by a car. Just give it up, man.

Highbrow Answer: ...Ask for more lemons.
There's nothing more productive than depression. Happy people don't accomplish shit. They just sit around texting each other and watching The Bachelor. You wanna write a novel or compose a symphony? Cut your ear off. Or watch your wife die while giving birth to your son, who then also dies. Sure, it'll be painful; painful all the way to your own exhibit at the Tate Gallery! Ha HA!

The idea of fighting depression is so silly. It's like trying to win a boxing match against Mike Tyson. Sure, you may be able to avoid him for a few rounds, but sooner or later, he's going to bite your ear off. Why not just let it happen and be done with the whole thing.

Best Female Sex Toy?

2010-01-11T07:24:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: A Dildo
Booooooooring. We're living in the age of iPods and space travel and Snuggies; can't we come up with something better than this? It doesn't vibrate, it doesn't rotate, and it doesn't play fun music when the time is right. It just sits there, making you do all the work. Sex toys are supposed to be enjoyable, not feel like a forearm workout.

And who the hell do they model these after? Just some random dude with a huge dong? Weird. I think they should do a line of historical dildos. Just imagine boning yourself with an exact replica of Ghengis Khan's cock. Or Abraham Lincoln's. Hot. I can just picture the dirty talk"Oh, yes Abe, Emancipate my clitoris. Emancipate it."

Middlebrow Answer: A Sybian
I've never tried one of these things, but I imagine it feels something like strapping a jet-ski to your clitoris and riding through a hurricane in the Atlantic Ocean. It's got more horsepower than most Toyota's, for Christ's sake. I might get one and use it to mow my lawn. It'd be cheaper than buying a John Deere.

The problem, though, is you that you can't really use one of these subtly. I mean, if somebody comes in and catches you riding one of these beasts, there's no real way to mask what you're up to. At least with a vibrator you can claim you were doing a self-administered pap smear or shaving the walls of your uterus with the new Gillete Vag-Tastic.

Highbrow Answer: A Tongue
You know those guys who hate eating pussy? I'm sure you've seen them. They're often wearing popped collars and covering their own sexual insecurities by making "fag" jokes. They listen to Nickelback or Rise Against and think that a "rimjob" is something that happens to your car tires. Fuck those guys. Actually, come to think of it, if you're a girl: DON'T fuck those guys. It won't be worth it, trust me. They'll fumble around your body like a drunkard looking for his keys in the dark while you lay on your back deciding which pair of socks you should wear tomorrow.

She's hot, she's naked, and she wants to have sex with you. The least you can do is put in a little work, dude. You lazy bastard.

Best Classic Disney Character?

2010-01-07T03:56:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: Donald Duck
If we teach the children of America that having a speech impediment is okay, then what's next? You're allowed to suck your thumb until you're thirty? Ralph Lauren starts making khakis with built-in adult diapers so you never have to potty train? Fuck that. Learn to talk correctly. This is America, god dammit, not some prissy remedial country like Luxembourg or Canada.

And what's with the girlie sailor outfit? Is Donald in the Gay Navy? He's not even wearing any pants. He's dressed like he just wandered off the set of a porn starring the Village People. I wonder if he's a top or a bottom.

Middlebrow Answer: Grumpy
He's angry, he hates women, and his long beard makes him look like an Al-Qaeda operative. Besty. I can just picture him strapping some C4 to his chest and blowing up a bus terminal in Fantasy Land. Maybe we'd all get lucky and the explosion would take out a few of those creepy little kids from "It's a small world after all" on their way to work.

Any street cred that Grumpy has is totally blown to shit when you consider his roommates. An aging doctor with signs of Alzheimer's? An allergy-ridden nerd? A fatty whose clearly snorting Valium? You're judged by the company you keep, Grump. Maybe you should get your own place somewhere. You could use the extra space to display some Basquiat paintings.

Highbrow Answer: Dumbo
There are few things in life more terrifying than a flying elephant. They already trample shit at will, imagine if they could do it from 400 feet in the air. And Dumbo is even scarier because he's often wearing a vaudevillian circus outfit. I wish I could dress like that and pull it off as well as he does. When I do it, I just look like some stupid hipster from Silver Lake who's "super" excited for the newest Grizzly Bear single to come out.

The best part about Dumbo is his willingness to go on wild, alcohol-induced hallucinations. He's the pachyderm version of Hunter S. Thompson. That dream he has about the pink elephants on parade is the most horrifying shit I've ever seen. Seriously. Watch it again. It'll give you nightmares for weeks. Like, actual nightmares. Not those lame ones you always have where, OMG, somebody has stolen your blackberry!

Best Knock-Knock Joke?

2010-01-04T01:49:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer:

Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Cargo.
You: Cargo who?
Me: Cargo honk!

Thatta boy. Now turn over and let me change your diaper.

Middlebrow Answer:

Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Panther.
You: Panther who?
Me: Panther no panth, I'm going thwimming!

Say it out loud, jackass.

Highbrow Answer:

Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Phillip Glass.

If you don't get it, I hate you.

Back in 2010...

2009-12-19T17:52:00.000-08:00

Hey Kiddos-

Many apologies for the long absence.

New posts will arrive in the new year.

Until then,

Happy Christmas, you dirty prole.

Best,

Teddy Adorno

Best Version of John Cusack?

2009-11-16T10:24:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: Action Movie Cusack
I love you, John, but what are you doing in "2012"? I can just picture the audition process.

Roland Emmerich: "John, how fast can you run away from exploding stuff?"
John: "I ran the 400m in high school..."
Roland Emmerich: "Perfect. You're hired."

I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you, but you aren't Bruce Willis. Forget the action stunts and flaming cars and stick to what you know: running your hand through your weird hair while you blabber about the melancholy of love.

Middlebrow Answer: Dramedy Cusack
This is classic Cusack. You can't really argue with "High Fidelity" or "Say Anything." He's the hero for all of us indie kids who like to decry love and affection on the outside, but who are dying for a hug on the inside. You also have to give Cusack credit for sounding as witty in these movies as we all think that we are in real life.

Although, he's kind of a pussy. Dude. The blonde chick in "High Fidelity" is ugly. Move on. And "In Your Eyes"? Really? You get to blast one song on your radio to win back your love and you chose Peter Gabriel? Could you be any more cliche? You're the kind of guy who has the string quartet play "Fields of Gold" at his wedding. Lame.

Highbrow Answer: High-Concept Cusack
Remember when you first saw "Being John Malcovich" and your head exploded from all the awesomenitude? And you wondered why every movie couldn't be that good? And why Cusack wasn't the biggest star in the universe? But then you realized that most of America's population is comprised of drooling idiots who think that Rowe vs. Wade was a boxing match in the 1980's. Ah well. Sorry, John.

Cusack is at his best when his natural weirdness actually enhances the theme of the story. They could have had a whole scene of him just taking a dump in "Being John Malcovich" and I would have told all my friends about how mystical a moment it was for the plot. I love you, High-Concept Cusack. Stay strange, my friend, stay strange. Oh, and avoid "Serendipity 2" if it ever comes your way.

Best Team in Baseball?

2009-11-10T06:47:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: The New York Yankees
Let's say ten people agree to run a marathon. Nine of the people show up on race day with a pair of a running shoes, a power bar, and Vaseline on their nipples. The tenth person shows up in a Lamborghini Diablo equipped with a 893 million dollar rocket booster that NASA designed. Now. When that tenth person wins the marathon with a world-record time of 4 minutes, am I really supposed to be impressed? Blow me.

The Yankees have the largest payroll in the history of baseball. I'm more impressed when they DON'T win. Remember in Jurassic Park when there's that goat chained to a post? And then the T-Rex shows up and eats the shit out of it? Yankees fans are the kind of people who are super impressed with the T-Rex for eating the goat and who throw a parade in its honor for doing so. Lame.

Middlebrow Answer: The Boston Red Sox
Have you ever noticed how the Red Sox players look like guys you'd want to have at a BBQ? That's because they have this little thing called "personality." They're allowed to have facial hair, they dance after championships, and they don't all have scary military haircuts like Jeter or A-Rod. Are those two dudes in the Marines or something? Boston also has the only scoreboard left in MLB that is operated by hand. Hell yes. Fuck digital technology. I want some arthritic old guy named "Walt" putting my numbers up.

Of course, when you look at it, the Red Sox are just as rich as the Yankees are. They just mask it better. And there's nothing worse than a liar. At least the Yankees are honest: "Hey. We're douchebags. Stay out of our way while we win everything." Boston is like that first boyfriend that every girl has in freshman year of college: "I'm not like the other guys in my frat. I care about your feelings. That's not a roofie in your drink, it's a vitamin C tablet. I wouldn't want my baby to catch a cold."

Highbrow Answer: The Kansas City Royals
Name me five people that root for the Kansas City Royals.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

No? Nothing? Didn't think so.

Nobody likes this team, which makes them FUCKING AWESOME. Supporting any kind of professional sport is lowbrow by definition, but if you're going to do it, at least have the decency to pick a team that's totally useless. Then you can sit in the stands and wax philosophical about the Calvinist idea of Total Depravity and how you're experiencing it at that very moment.

Best Body of Water for Vacations?

2009-11-05T07:20:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: The Ocean
I get seven days a year away from my mind-numbing job as a corporate slave, do I really want to spend them with sweaty fat people in bikinis? Or annoying little kids with poop in their pants who can't build a decent sandcastle to save their lives? I hate the beach. It's like somebody took every reality show reject they could find and dropped them into the same pile of sand.

Speaking of sand, fuck it. Fuck it right in the ear. I know it feels good on my feet, but it finds its way into my butt faster than a drunk sorority girl. But unlike a drunk sorority girl, it isn't slippery and warm and blowing me. Lame.

Middlebrow Answer: A Lake
No salt, no currents, no deadly Orca whales trolling the shores for a snack. You can open your eyes under water, you can put a dock in right in front of your house, and you can skate on it in the winter. So, if we tally up the points here, let me see, we get a score of SUCK IT, OCEANS.

The one problem with lakes is that they're generally pretty small. So when some tourist jackass is buzzing around on a rented jet-ski, it's almost impossible to avoid him. I'd love to run him over with my boat and leave a crimson trail of blood in the water, but the pesky Marine Patrol guys keep telling me it's not allowed. Fuck those guys. They never let me do anything fun.

Highbrow Answer: A River
You have to appreciate anything that can carve its way through rock without making a sound. That's some psychic mind power shit. I wish I could do that to my enemies. Some bully would pick on me at lunch and I'd put a small grand canyon into his back with some mind bullets.

The best part about a river is that it's always recycling itself. You can dump your trash into it and BOOM, three minutes later it's clean. Poop in it, pee in it, bone in it; whatever. A river has no memory. It's nature's version of the roofie.

Best Way to Approach Life?

2009-11-03T08:39:00.000-08:00

Lowbrow Answer: Happy
Stop smiling all the time. What are you, a golden retriever? Happy people blow. I hope those kids who go out to bars every night of the weekend and party like they're still at their frat houses in college get hit by a bus. A big bus with AIDS and Cancer smeared all over the front of it. Cheerful pricks.

You never see happy people getting anything done. They're always just lying around on the couch, stoned and watching Golden Girls re-runs. And they're too busy enjoying themselves with their friends and family to have edcucated themselves. You try and talk to them about Adorno or Marx and they just regale you with stories about riding jet-skis with their cousins last Friday.

Middlebrow Answer: Denial
Denial can be fun. It's like a Get Out of Jail Free card. Have abusive parents? Just forget about them! Your wife having an affair with your dog? No she isn't! Have a cancerous lump in your back? Ignore it! It's not happening! It's the magic eraser for everything bad in your life!

Denial is lame though because it turns your friends into unstable emotional timebombs. You'll offer your buddy a powdered donut one day and she'll suddenly burst into tears. Little did you know that her father was eating a powdered donut the day he molested her, or something horrific like that. You were just trying to share your pastry and now you've accidently unearthed 15 years of trauma. Nice going.

Highbrow Answer: Bitter Resentment
Life is shit. Nuclear bombs are dropped on Japanese cities, Holocausts happen, and Arrested Development gets canceled. The only way to deal with such tragedies is to be fucking miserable. All the time. It's not much fun, but it's not supposed to be. This is life, not a tea party in Barbados with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

Look at how much bitter people accomplish. They write poetry, they compose symphonies, and they paint beautiful art. Sure, a lot of them kill themselves before they reach 40, but who wants to live past 40 anyway? I say get in, create some epic art, and get out. Fuck being elderly; I'm more content to end up as a blood spatter pattern on my curtains when I'm 39.

Best Way to be like Michael Phelps?

2009-10-27T04:04:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Eat 10,000 Calories a Day
Hey, Tubby. You aren't swimming 500 miles every morning. You don't get to eat four pizzas on a nightly basis and still feel good about yourself. Stop stuffing cheeseburgers into your pie-hole and get off your couch.

The worst part about this is how long it must take to consume that much food. Phelps probably spends hours at his kitchen table. So. To Clarify. He's a big slab of meat for all of the citizens of the U.S. to enjoy and he spends more time eating than doing anything else. He sounds like beef livestock.

Middlebrow Answer: Win 8 Gold Medals
Swimming in the Olympics is so bullshit. First of all, there are a thousand different events. The 50m butterfly, the 100m butterfly, the 227.5m butterfly. No wonder Michael Phelps can win 8 gold medals. He gets like, 56 chances at it.

And have you ever noticed that nobody from Africa is in these races? Or South America? Or, really, even Asia? I suppose it makes sense. There aren't many pools in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The kids there are too busy mining blood diamonds to practice the breast stroke. Olympic swimming is a bunch of white kids from the US, Europe, and Australia preening around in Speedos while IOC Officials hand out medals. Sounds like a blast.

Highbrow Answer: Be from Maryland
Maryland rules. It has Johns Hopkins, the FDA, and the highest median income of any state in the union. Suck on that, Delaware. It also has coastline, marsh, mountains, and forest. Maryland is like that girl we wish we all could date. You know the one; she's blistering hot, she plays the violin, she's a biotech engineer, and she loves sex.

The Maryland colony was chartered 1632 by Cæcilius Calvert, 2nd Lord Baltimore. Ummm, Cæcilius? Awesome. God dammit, I wish my name were cooler. I think I might have children, just so I can name one, "Cæcilius King, 2nd Lord Spankitmore."

Best Western Religion?

2009-10-23T16:01:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Mormonism
Magic underwear that protects you from bad stuff? Really? Okay, let's do a test. Let's put 50 of you against a wall and I'll shoot you all with a Gatling gun and we'll see how many of you survive. I'm not really a betting man, but I'd be willing to wager that my Gatling gun will prevail over your mystical Fruit-of-the-Looms.

And what's with hating gay people? Gay people are amazing. Without them, we wouldn't have good haircuts, sodomy, or Elton John. I love all three of those things! I mean, come on. If you get rid of all the gays, then who are straight men like me supposed to get blowjobs from?

Middlebrow Answer: Christianity
The only reason these guys aren't down in "Lowbrow" with the Mormons is the Unitarian Universalists. Now, THAT'S a religion. You want to wear sweatpants to church? Cool. You want to play some Radiohead during your sermon? Fine. You want to skip Church to play in a soccer tournament? Go for it. Just be nice to people and respect the Lord. Or don't. Whatever.

The rest of you are crazy. You tell me Jesus loved everyone then you tell me to hate gays. You decry cannibalism and then you eat the flesh of your lord every Sunday. You tell me not to have sex before marriage and then a bunch of your priests rape little boys. You guys do more waffling than the Eggo's company.

Highbrow Answer: The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
At least this one is based on science. The church has proven an indusputable link between the decline in pirate activity to the rising global climate. Boom. Science. Fuck you, faith. I have FACTS.

You can't really beat a flying spaghetti monster as your lord. Why would I want to worship Jesus Christ? He's just a dude that got nailed to a block of wood. I could do that. I could go outside and do that right now. That's not impressive. But a fucking flying spaghetti monster?! That shit is terrifying. It looks like one of Godzilla's enemies. Now THAT is a god that I want to pray to.

Learn more about the Flying Spaghetti Monster here.

Best Form of College Singing?

2009-10-20T05:37:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: A Capella

I know that when I got to college, my first thoughts were "How can I spend more time standing in a half-circle with a bunch of dudes in khaki pants?" and "How can I sing Dave Matthews Band songs to idiot freshman girls?" Boom. A Capella. Done.

The worst part about this shit are the names. The groups are always one of two things. Either they're a semi-clever play on words like, "The A Capellicans" or they're silly and whimsical, like "The Whiffenpoofs." Either way, they're fucking stupid. College A Capella is like Coldplay: the only people who actually like it are 40-year-old middle-aged white women.

Middlebrow Answer: University Chorus
At big schools, the university chorus is totally legit. They usually have a hundred voices, all of whom can actually sing, and get to do stuff like Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. The best part, though, is that they all have these ancient school songs that they sing. Shit like, "I Left My Heart at Old Cornell" and "Michigan, Michigan." Lemme tell you. When you hear a full choir sing one of those old tunes, it sounds like a barbershop quartet on steroids.

Of course, for every badass school song you're singing, you're singing four contemporary pieces of shit. And you're often forced to combine with other school choirs to do big numbers. Fuck that. I don't want to dillute my gene pool by mixing some lowbrow school. If I go to Cornell and you go to Ohio State, that means I don't have to talk to you because you're too stupid to understand the words I'm using.

Highbrow: Chamber Ensemble
Chamber ensembles allow you to sing stuff by guys likeThomas Tallis. Tallis composed music in the 16th century for Queen Elizabeth. His most epic piece is called "Spem in Alium" and was composed for the Queen's coronation. No big deal, but it has 40 different parts. Forty. Different. Parts. Musicians today are lightweight. Imagine John Mayer trying to come up with forty different vocal harmonies. His head would probably explode, finally revealing to the world that he's just a robot controlled by a tiny gerbil.

The music sung in chamber ensembles is also generally so old that it's a capella, which is great because I hate instrumentalists. Look, I know that playing the piano is hard, but you're just pushing buttons in a sequence. We could program a computer to do the same thing. Get off your high horse, pianists of the world, I'm through living under your tyranny.

Best Version of Hitler?

2009-10-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: General
You were trying to take over the world, right? Kill everybody who didn't agree with you? How'd that go for you? Oh, you failed? But I thought you were the master race. I thought you were all powerful and unbeatable. Here's a little lesson for next time. Don't fuck with a bunch of people who are bigger than you are. That's like a gazelle walking into a lions' den and picking a fight. Dumbass.

And then, at the end of it all, you hid in a bunker like a little bitch and finally killed yourself? Nice one. Real heroic. I'll see you in hell, you prick. And when I do, I'm going to shit in your pillow.

Middlebrow Answer: Politician
Okay, so you rallied a nation that had been devastated by World War I. And you unified the socialist party to take power. And your speeches were crazy. You sound like some sort of motivational speaker on methamphetamine.

But, come on. Killing everyone who isn't Aryan? Are you insane? That's not really a strong platform to base your campaign on. I didn't study political science or anything, but maybe you should focus more on "I'll lower taxes" or "I'll get you better wages," and less on "I'm a crazy idiot who wants to kill six million people." Know what I mean?

Highbrow Answer: None
I'm sure some of you were expecting me to talk about Hitler as an artist for this one, but I can't. His art blows. His landscapes look like "paint by number" and his portraits are shitty. Which means there really isn't a highbrow version of Hitler. Although, are we really surprised by that? This is the dude that tried to exterminate an entire race of people. He's basically an annoying schoolyard bully, only with Panzer tanks.

I'm sure that there are a ton of arguments that could be made about Hitler being a genius and about his high level of intellectualism. But he lost. He lost the war. So fuck him. You know those people who lose a soccer game and then tell you that it was because they were a little tired and that they could totally beat you if they played you again? I hate those people. Win, or shut the hell up.

Best Site for the 2016 Olympics?

2009-10-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

Like the Olympics? Learn about the events here.
Lowbrow Answer: Chicago, USA
I love how upset Americans get when they don't get picked first. Hey, Chicago. Newsflash. You kinda blow. What have you given the world besides the Sears Tower, Polish-Americans, and the Cubs. Who blow. I know our super-cool black president is from your city, but get over yourselves. I can name a million other cities in the world with way more super-cool black dudes than you.

My favorite part about this last Olympic bid was the scene in Chicago when they found out they didn't get it. It was like somebody had taken their favorite toy away from them. What did you expect? You can't just throw Oprah and Obama at the IOC and expect them to win. They're all from culturally elite countries like Switzerland and Luxembourg. Each one of them speaks like nine languages. Don't expect them to cave when you hold up pictures of Michael Jordan and demand the games.

Middlebrow Answer: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Brazil is awesome. You have to hand it to a country that's famous for both soccer and removing hair from female pubic regions all over the world. Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. The population of Brazil looks like a box of crayons; they've got redheads and black dudes, and everything in between. How nice. The Olympics will be one big ad for "We are the World."

It does seem a bit odd, though, to put the Olympics in the unofficial crime capital of the world. I can just picture the marathon course: avoid getting stabbed in the first ten miles as you traverse the dense city center, watch out for errant needles as you pass through the favelas, turn right at the whorehouses, dodge gunfire in the gang district, and be sure to take a nice hit of Colombian white as you cross the finish line.

Highbrow Answer: Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of the Congo
All the original Olympic events were based on battle, so why not put the games right in the middle of a war zone? It would give the Javelin throwers something fun to aim at. Just think about how much more fun those long track races would be if the runners were being chased by Hutu rebels with sawed-off shotguns in a 1989 Ford Pickup. I bet you'd get a lot more people tuning into the 10k.

While we're on the subject of Africa, I'd like say something:

Fuck you, Westernized World.

You showed up in Africa in the early twentieth century, stripped the continent of all its resources, killed EVERYBODY, and created endless civil strife by giving guns to some tribes but not others. Nice work. I'm really hoping that someday the African nations band together and attack the U.S. Maybe we will learn some humility when Rwandan soldiers are dragging the body of our president through the streets of New York behind a war elephant.

Best Form of Poetry?

2009-10-07T15:50:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Haiku
Have you ever noticed that only one in every forty haiku's even makes sense? It's just seventeen syllables worth of bullshit. You could literally pick out words from the dictionary at random and make Haiku's for a living. Here, I'll show you. Below are three Haiku's. One is a real, published piece, and the other two are just me trying to sound epic. See if you can guess which is which:

1. Coming from the woods
A bull has a lilac sprig
Dangling from a horn

2. A bitter morning:
Sparrows sitting together
Without any necks.

3. A mountain village
Under the piled-up snow
The sound of water.

---Answer Below this line---

Numbers 1 and 2 sound pretty bullshit, eh? Well, guess what. They're all real. Each one of those was a money-earning, fame-creating piece of poetry. Fuck you, Haiku. You're like a pretentious toddler who tries to convince me that the poop in his bedsheets is actually a priceless peace of post-modern art.

Middlebrow Answer: Sonnet
At least there's some real work involved here. You can't just stick seventeen random words in a row and be published. And you're embarking on a form made famous by this random English guy you may know of called Will Shakes-something. I forget his full name but I guess he's pretty good. I heard he wrote plays too, or something.

The problem with sonnets are that all the most famous ones are about love. Ugh. Kill me. "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" No, you shan't. Your lover is a slut who's been sleeping around behind your back. Compare her to a community bicycle or an AIDS monkey.

Highbrow Answer: Blank Verse
Most of this shit is so oblique that you can't even tell that it's poetry. And that's the key. If it confuses the proles, it must be highbrow. Just like theoretical physics or Dickensian literature or simple algebra.

Blank verse is beautiful because it eliminates all the rules of other forms of poetry that poets are so intent on keeping in place. You actually have to write some good stuff, rather than relying on rhyming or form to save your ass. I hate poets. Just because you take long pauses in between what you're saying doesn't mean you're a genius. Just tell me how you feel about summer rain. Don't use 56 sets of rhyming quatrain to do it. I have more important places to be, like, anywhere but here listening to you. Jackass.

Best Way to Get a Dog?

2009-10-05T09:21:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Buy It
It's a dog. It drools on your couch, chews on your shoes, and poops on your lawn. You're really going to pay $1200 for it? Are you insane? You could buy something useful with that money, like a flatscreen TV or 1200 bags of Skittles. How about this. Send me a check for $500 and I'll poop on your lawn whenever you want me to. You'll save money and I'll finally be able to afford that vintage Punky Brewster lunchbox.

Most people who buy a dog want to put it in dog shows. What a blast these shindigs are. It's a beauty pageant without the swimsuit competition or the "World Peace" questionnaire. Oh yeah, and they're DOGS. Maybe comparing them to each other mattered back in the 1600s when they actually helped us survive everyday life, but come on. If you're going to dog shows at this point, you probably live alone and you probably own a sweater with your dog's face bedazzled on it.

Middlebrow Answer: Rescue It
If you're going to have a dog, at least get one with personality. Who would want a perfect-looking poodle when you can have a mangy rottweiler with one eye and dog-fighting scars? Rescuing a dog also allows you to sleep at night knowing that you did something nice, rather than sleeping at night wondering why you didn't get 1200 bags of Skittles instead of buying a dog.

Of course, you're getting sloppy seconds with this one, and we all hate that. Your dog probably belonged to some redneck named Cletus with 14 kids and pickup truck who never fed it and made it watch NASCAR races with him on the weekend. Low. Brow.

Highbrow Answer: Capture a Hyena
Fuck dogs. If I'm going to have a four-legged animal in my house, it's going to a be a Hyena. It can protect me from burglars, it can scavenge for food around my neighborhood, and it can take down the mailman like he was a sickly gazelle. Who doesn't want all those things? Name me one person who doesn't want those things.

Hyenas are also big enough that you could put little kids on their backs. Imagine it. Other kids are getting dropped off at kindergarten in a Ford Fiesta and your son rolls up on the back of a Hyena. I'll guarantee you this: he'd never get beat up. If he did, you could just train the Hyena to rip the bully's face off and eat it in front of the other kids as a warning.

Best Instrument in a Band?

2009-09-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Drums
When the most famous musician on your instrument is Animal from The Muppet Show, you've got problems. I understand that drumming takes rhythm, but come on. You're just bashing shit with a pair of sticks. You're basically playing lacrosse against a set of drums.

Music is made up of rhythm and melody, but you're just playing rhythm. You're missing half the artform! I wouldn't be impressed if somebody only put Jelly in my PB&J, or if they just shot a rifle in the Olympic Biathlon. Don't expect me to be impressed here. Lazy bitch.

Middlebrow Answer: Bass
At least you look cool playing this. Bassists always hold the thing way down low at their crotch so if you watch them from far away, it looks like they're masturbating. They also get that hip neck swivel dance that only bassists can do. I tried to learn it once but just ended up giving myself arthritis. Serves me right. I don't play bass, what the hell am I doing trying to learn the hip neck swivel dance?

Of course, the problem here is that you're playing the same five notes in the same octave for every single song. There's a reason basses have fewer strings: they're less interesting. You may look cool while you play it, but you sound like a 4th grader in music class at one of those public schools that's been forced to cancel its arts program and hires an ex-con to teach bass once a month while he's on parole.

Highbrow Answer: Rhythm Guitar
Any band you've ever heard that sounds shitty live; I guarantee you they're missing a good rhythm guitarist. It's the classic Ed O'Brien conundrum. O'Brien is the rhythm guitarist for Radiohead. He doesn't really write any of the songs, but he's crucial when they play live. The rhythm guitarist is like one of the linemen in football: he doesn't seem useful until he isn't there and your quarterback is getting sacked on every play.

Rhythm guitar also generally requires a pretty elaborate understanding of music theory. While the inept lead guitarist is plucking away on some horrendous solo, this guy is playing syncopated thirds in 9/8 time and doing vocal harmony in triads. Not too bad. You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.

Best Way to Spell "Tiffany?"

2009-09-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: "Tiffani"
Have we really become so smitten with the Apple corporation that everything has to have an "i" in it now? Steve Jobs isn't that great, I promise you. Everywhere I look, it's the iPhone or the iMac or the iPod. The company is like a swarm of locusts, multiplying and multiplying. Soon enough we'll have iDildos, iDrugdealers, and iAbortions.

The most famous person with this name is Tiffani Amber Thiessen. Man, it's gotta be tough when you're big celebrity's claim to fame is "Saved by the Bell." It's like those indie movies you see that advertise by telling you they played at the Tellumca Film Festival or CineFargo. I got news for you. The Tellumca Film Festival averages six people at every screening and CineFargo is me and my buddy Dwayne watching DVDs in my living room.

Middlebrow Answer: "Tiffany"
Okay, so you've got the jeweler on your side. Plus, your name is an old English reference to an epiphany. Classy. Too bad most people in our generation are only really aware of the lame pop singer from the 80's. She ruined it for you. Kind of like how nobody can really be named "Adolf" anymore.

There's something rad about the letter "y." It's like that amazing pretty girl in your class who has sleeve tattoos and wears cute librarian glasses. You don't really know anything about her but you've heard she's the lead singer of a band that's huge in Germany and she creates car designs for Saab. You know what I mean? No? Go out and find one of those girls. Then you'll understand.

Highbrow Answer: "Edith"
Any way you slice it, "Tiffany" just isn't a highbrow name. Sorry, all you unfortunate ladies out there. Your parents spent all their time watching MTV and getting to third base with each other instead of studying enough to know that Tiffany is a fucking stupid name.

It's names like this that make me wish that some of the old school girls' names would make a comeback. Here's my plan for the future:

Out: Tiffany, Brittany, Ariel, Misty, Brandi, Ashley
In: Edith, Gertrude, Edna, Hortense, Mabel, Millicent

Most Legit Type of Cancer?

2009-09-21T07:31:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Lung Cancer
Let me guess. You're a smoker. Nice job. I'm proud of you. Still feel cool and rebellious now that you're getting Chemo treatments once a week? Awesome.

My favorite part about lung cancer is this notion that people didn't know that smoking was bad for you back in the 50's and 60's. Are you kidding? You're inhaling smoke. What, did people not die in fires back then? How can it not be bad for you? It's like playing catch with a chainsaw and being surprised when your hand gets cut off. Dumbasses.

Middlebrow Answer: Breast Cancer
As a lover of both women and their boobs, I'm not up for anything that specifically endangers everyone's favorite female body part. That's some harsh shit, cancer. Couldn't you go after the appendix or the toenails instead? You know, more useless body parts? Breast cancer is like that terrorist who has a choice of any location in America but blows himself up inside the Radiohead tour bus. You BASTARD.

I also can't stand the pink. Pink ribbons, pink t-shirts, pink pins. Baseball teams even use pink bats on Breast Cancer day. Kill me. If blue is the color that subconsciously relaxes me, than pink is the color that subconsciously makes me want to stab out my eyes with a rainbow trout and throw myself off the top of the St. Louis Arch.

Highbrow Answer: Throat Cancer
This shit is horrifying. It fucks up your speech, your ability to eat, and can get into your brain pretty easily. Plus the chemo is terrible because it scorches your face and head. Respect to you if you've got throat cancer. If testicular cancer is the Desert Storm of cancers, than Throat Cancer is the Crusades. And you're the Muslims.

Sigmund Freud died of this, so at least you're in elite company. Near the end of his life, he decided he was sick of pain killers and went off his meds so that he could experience true suffering. And experience it he did. It's say he spent the final three days of his life crying out in unbearable pain. Say it with me now: "HARD. CORE."

Best Version of Jet Li?

2009-09-18T07:27:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: American Movie Jet Li
Every movie that Jet Li has done in America blows. Like, literally every one of them. I don't understand how the guy keeps getting work in this country. Think of it this way. If I were a preschool teacher and I cut my students' heads off with a lawn-mower every time they came to class, somehow I doubt I'd keep getting new students. See what I'm saying?

What's amazing about Jet Li's American films is that they're all the same. It's always one rogue prisoner/detective/immortal being against everybody else in a fight to save his family/girlfriend/life/dog. You may have seen one of them. They're all called "Romeo Must Die When He Kisses The One Dragon While Rising To Honor in War."

Middlebrow Answer: French Movie Jet Li
Say what you will about the French, but leave Luc Besson out of it. The dude is responsible for some of the most badass movies of the last fifteen years, including "The Professional," "The Fifth Element," and "Taken." If you don't love all three of those films, do a quick check: I think your balls are missing. Besson also wrote the script for "Danny the Dog," which stars our boy Jet as a slave fighter who goes nuts and kills everything in sight when you remove his collar. Heavy.

"Danny the Dog" also sees Li do some acting against Morgan Freeman and Bob Hoskins, which is no small task. Acting in a scene with Freeman must be something like fellating Lexington Steele's bone-machine: It's hard, it's famous, and it's black. Of course, Li fails to earn true highbrow status when you start to notice that all his scenes involve him ripping peoples' faces off with his bare hands.

Highbrow Answer: Chinese Movie Jet Li
I don't know if you're aware of this, but apparently Jet Li speaks Chinese. Fluently. Who knew?! The next thing you'll tell me is that he's doing all of his own stunts in these movies. Ha, ha, ha. See what I did there? It's funny because he DOES actually do his own stunts. Get it?

Li's work in Chinese is awesome. I highly recommend "The Warlords," which sees him leading an epic army around China in 1860, destroying everything he can get his hands on. Reminds me of when I masturbate to "Braveheart." Jet Li is like a more smoldering version of Mel Gibson, except he isn't covered in blue face paint and his eyes are thinner.

Best Night of the Week to go out?

2009-09-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Friday
Kill me. Hordes of coked-out twentysomethings charging out of the workplace and right into a nightclub so they can drink till they're sick and then go home with a douchbag fratboy and fuck till they're herpe'd. And all while spending $17 on every cocktail. Hey, sweetheart. Why not go to the corner store, drink a Forty, and then fuck a hobo. It'd be the same experience you're having now, only $50 cheaper. And the hobo would actually be nice to you the next morning.

The worst part about Friday is that the only thing you can really do is go to a club or a bar. It's too late for a movie, no sports teams are playing, and you haven't left town yet. So every idiot in the city is standing in line at the same five hotspots. Awesome. Just what I want to do after working a mind-numbing job all day with people I don't like; stand in a mind-numbing line all night with people I don't like.

Middlebrow Answer: Thursday
This is only slightly better than Friday. The fact that people have work the next day helps to serve as a seatbelt for the really raucus stuff. Usually you end up actually having a conversation with somebody. How exciting. Of course, the evening is inevitably ruined by the douchebags who see Thursday less as a chance to enjoy a low-key start to the weekend and more as a chance to drink twelve shots of Patron and date rape college juniors.

Thursday is great because you're buzzing on anticipation for the weekend. It's like, you ever notice how the day before Christmas is better than Christmas itself? All the presents are under the tree, Santa is on his way, your Uncle Dave isn't drunk and hitting on your mom yet. December 24th is the best day of the year, just like Thursday is the best night of the week.

Highbrow Answer: Tuesday

But wait. Nobody goes out on Tuesday night.

Exactly.

Just about the only thing happening on Tuesday nights are chess clubs or library readings, both of which give me an intelliboner. The last thing I want do to with what little time I give myself away from my studies of the Protestant Work Ethic is rub up against legions of drunken blonde chicks in some dank nightclub that charges me $40 to get in. I'm pretty sure that's what hell will be like, why would I want to do it while I'm still here on earth?

Best Place to Keep your Blackberry?

2009-09-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: In Your Hand
Has anybody besides me noticed that there is a fighting number of people who carry their blackberries around in their hands? Like, all night. Like, the whole time they're out. Like, they never put it down. I'm talking mostly about women with this one, which is weird because traditionally it's men who like to carry useless shit around in their hands. You know, like guns or NFL tickets or their cocks.

Is your ridiculous little network of digital friends so important that you're utterly terrified of missing one "I LUV YOU, LOL TTYL BRB OMG" text? Let me tell you a little secret: the people texting you are lame. Which means, if you do the math, so are you. By carrying a blackberry around all night, you're basically announcing to the bar: "Please come talk to me until somebody I like more tweets about something stupid." Hmm, what an enticing invitation.

Middlebrow Answer: In Your Pocket
If you're going to carry one, at least have the common courtesy to hide the thing while I'm talking to you. I don't whip out a canvas and some oil paint and start crafting an impressionist work while you tell me about your family, so don't whip out your blackberry and start texting your roommate while I tell you about my irrational fear of clowns.

The bonus of keeping your blackberry in your pocket is you get a little magic every time somebody calls if you have it set to vibrate. Basically, what I'm saying is, it you're talking to me and I suddenly start smiling, it's not because you're funny. It's because my phone is buzzing in my pants and it makes my tinkie-winkie happy.

Highbrow Answer: What's a Blackberry?
Technology blows. Why do I need to keep in constant touch with friends? They only distract me from musing on the philosophical irrationalities of religion. Why do I need to be able to check sports scores every minute? It only stops me from furthering my study of Kant's early work. Unless somebody invents a machine that can detect proletariat lifeforms and eliminate them, I'm not interested in technology.

I'm also sick of corporate shitheads trying to make stuff sound cute by giving it childish names. It's a personal computing device and you're calling it a "blackberry?" How obnoxiously adorable. What will they think of next? Maybe we can start calling the Iraq War a "Playdate in the sandbox," or referring to genocide as "frown removal."

Most Legit Form of Childhood Trauma?

2009-09-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Divorce
Boo-hoo. My parents don't love each other any more. My world is ending.

Yeah, join the club.

With more than half of American marriages ending in divorce, this doesn't impress me anymore. It's more common than Meryl Streep getting nominated for an Oscar. So don't come to me with your doe eyes, trying to explain how hard your life is because your parents hate each other. Maybe if your father tried to stab your mother with an Alaskan Salmon I'd be impressed. Until then, shut up and stop whining.

Middlebrow Answer: Near-Death Experience
Everyone has that one friend who was run over by a trash truck when he was five and just barely survived. Or who fell from a sixteen-story window and landed in a dumpster. These experiences will often give you really cool, really harrowing lifetime problems like you can't close your eyes without hearing the roar of plane engines or your left knee clicks out of joint every time you try to run.

The biggest problem with this one is that while it may cause some emotional trauma, it also gives you a cool story to tell for the rest of your life. I'm sure falling into the alligator pen will screw you up for a while, but it will also give you a badass set of scars from when the thing clamped down on your chest. It's hard for me to give you trauma points for something that will get you laid as an adult.

Highbrow Answer: Abusive Parents
This one will fuck you up nice and good. You'll spiral into an endless shame cycle, you'll have problems interacting socially, and you'll likely end up in drugs or prostitution or jail or all three. Now THAT'S what I call trauma. If divorce is the "Bambi" of childhood traumas, then abuse is the "Requiem for a Dream."

Phyiscal abuse to children is so gnarly that even criminals can't stand it. Most people who are caught for this and are put in prison don't last a week because the other inmates tear them to shreds. Anything hardcore enough that prison inmates kill other prison inmates over it is definitely valid. Plus you get mega-points from people like Adorno and Heidegger and Arendt who basically argue that the only true human experiences are ones that cause suffering and pain. Nice job.

Best Kind of Bicycle?

2009-09-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: BMX
Hey, idiot. I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but you're riding a bike that's way too small for you. You look like some a cartoon character the way your legs are spinning at 900 revolutions per minute. Having pegs on your wheels is only cool when you're ten years old. Cut your hair, stop drinking so much Monster, and quit buying shirts made by skate companies. You look ridiculous.

The only place that these are even any fun is halfpipes and street courses. And I don't know if you've ever been to one of those, but they suck. It's basically a hundred kids standing around in baggy pants and drinking Mountain Dew, watching three kids with actual talent do their tricks over and over again. What the hell's the point? I don't go to Las Vegas to stay in my hotel and read Hardy Boys novels, if you understand what I'm saying.

Middlebrow Answer: Mountain Bike
Okay, I'll admit it's kind of cool that these things have better suspension than the NASA Mars rover. And sure, shredding the side of a mountain is far better than peddling along the sidewalk in whichever whitebred suburban yuppie-ville most people call home. And yes, the thick tires awake memories of watching Monster Trucks when I was a lad. Gravedigger was my favorite. Fuck you if you liked Bigfoot.

The thing I can't stand about mountain bikes is the people who ride them. Every single one of them eats powerbars instead of actual meals, is from Boulder, Denver, or Vail, has had dreadlocks at least once in their lifetime, wears Kavu or Teva sandals to social events as if they were dress shoes, and drives a Subaru Outback or a Nissan Xterra. If at least three of those things apply to you, I know a place where you can get a great string of rope to hang yourself with. I hate nature kids.

Highbrow Answer: Road Bike
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

This sport rules. It's a massive chess match on wheels. At 50 mph. Along picturesque roads in beautiful places like Spain and Italy. I'm getting a sports boner just thinking about it.

Still not convinced? Watch the Tour de France. And I don't mean the highlights. Watch it. The whole thing. They ride for 6 hours a day. They endure horrible weather conditions. They don't get any breaks for meals. And the thing lasts three weeks. It sounds like the first Iraq War.

Best Sketch Comedy Show?

2009-09-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Saturday Night Live
While the current cast is in pretty good shape, this show has had some rough patches. For every Andy Samberg, we've had two or three Joe Piscopo's. Even when Tina Fey was the head writer, the last 30 minutes of the show have always been unwatchable. SNL is like that super hot girl in high school; everybody talks about wanting to hook up with her, but once you do, you realize she has bad teeth and smells kinda funny.

The worst part about this show is the host. What a moronic idea this is. Let's take ten talented sketch actors and make them pander to the horrible, grade-school theater abilities of some hack movie star or professional athlete. I don't understand it. Chris Farley never stopped by Yankee Stadium to play catcher against the Red Sox for a night, why should Derek Jeter be on SNL?

Middlebrow Answer: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Monty Python started it all, rolling out sketches like "Argument" or "The Ministry of Silly Walks" to an unsuspecting 70's television audience. To this day, I pee blood whenever I watch "Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge." Eric Idle is my hero. All of them are my hero. The whole country of England is my hero.

The only problem with Monty Python is, of course, the accents. Ask any American about Monty Python and they'll inevitably give you their best Austin Powers English accent while reciting instructions for igniting the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Kill me. The only people worse than uninformed Monty Python fans are people who wander around quoting Borat and giving two thumbs up.

Highbrow Answer: The State
The State was on MTV in the mid-90's when MTV was actually worth watching. You know, back when they programmed counter-culture shows like Beavis & Butthead and Buzzkill, and actually played music. Nowadays it's just softcore porn for 13-year-old girls with overactive sex drives and a weird love of Spencer Pratt: "I hope I meet an abusive, dickhead rich boy after I get MY first set of breast implants!"

The State wasn't on for very long because it didn't seem to really care what anybody thought of it. There were so many cast members that the show was basically a bunch of friends trying to make each other laugh for thirty minutes. And I'm okay with that. The last thing I want is art trying to pander to my needs. Real art is supposed to spit in my face and tell me to go fuck myself, not hold my hand and ask me what I want for breakfast.

Check out great sketches from The State here and here.

Update

2009-09-04T20:02:00.001-07:00

I'm in New Hampshire.
Leave me alone, prole whore.
Back on Tuesday.

Best Confederate Leader in Civil War?

2009-09-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

Like the Civil War? Find out the best movie on the subject here.

Lowbrow Answer: George Pickett
"Okay, men. Here's the plan. We want you to run across that mile of open field. Then we want you to hop over those four or five fences. Then we want you to scale the large hill where the enemy is hiding and take it over. Now, they have more guns than we do, and are fortified in an elevated area, but we're pretty sure you can take them."

"Hahahahahaha. Wait, are you serious?"

What the hell was Pickett thinking on this one? It makes less sense than a harlequin pony on a midnight train to Halifax. See what I mean?

Middlebrow Answer: Stonewall Jackson
This dude is terrifying. He was basically a one-man wrecking ball during the early parts of the war. He made huge gains for the South at Bull Run, Antietam, and Fredricksburg, and almost single-handedly won Chancellorsville. The guy was invincible. He could have taken on the Uruk-Hai army from the second Lord of the Rings with nothing but a staple-gun and still come out on top.

He was invincible, alright, to everything except bullets from his own men. Jackson was wounded by a few of his own soldiers in 1863 and died 8 days later. You have to feel shitty for a great hero when he dies in a wussy way. Imagine Mel Gibson choking on a ham sandwich at the end of Braveheart, or Russel Crowe stubbing his toe and dying from the infection at the end of Gladiator. Okay, that one isn't so bad. Stubbing your toe sucks.

Highbrow Answer: James Longstreet
You know you're doing something right when Robert E. Lee calls you his "Old War Horse." Getting a nickname from somebody awesome is even better than actually being awesome. I'll know I've made it in Hollywood when Johnny Depp starts calling me "Sparky," or Martin Scorsese dubs me "His go-to guy." Ahhh, dreams.

Longstreet was so badass that he didn't even take Lee's shit. When Lee began planning the tactics for Gettysburg, Longstreet openly disagreed and warned against failure. He was later branded a traitor by the South for his confrontation with the great general, but who the hell cares. It's the South. The only thing down there are homophobic rodeo clowns and illiterate hunting dogs.

Best Island Nation?

2009-09-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Japan
Has anyone else noticed that Japan is basically an immature eleven-year-old girl on Angel Dust? Look at the culture of that place. Everything is bright and neon and Hello Kitty and faux schoolgirl and what the hell is going on over there? Many teenage girls sell their used underwear to business men. It's trendy for adult women to dress like 5-year-olds. The most popular pornography is in cartoon form. I feel like the whole country is run by toddlers who still think boobs are funny.

And guys, what's with all the dolphin and whale slaughtering? You're supposedly one of the most technologically-advanced countries in the world; it shouldn't be too hard to see that you're wiping out your own food source. Plus, come on, dolphins are amazing. If you're going to wantonly kill an entire species, why not make it something useless, like deer or golden retrievers?

Middlebrow Answer: Madagascar
Of the 10,000 plants and animals on this island, only 10% are found anywhere else in the world. Suck on that, global ecosystem. If you live here, you are considered "Malagasy," which is awesome. You sound like a character from Mortal Kombat: "Malagasy wins, Fatality." And lemurs are amazing. I don't care what you say. Take your lemur bashing and get the hell out of here.

Any credibility the island earns, however, is blown to shit when you consider the animated movies of the same name. Who the hell came up with these? Listening to David Schwimmer provide the voice for a pathetic giraffe for two hours feels like the torture you'd get in one of the lower circles of hell. The only thing cool about the movies are the penguins, and they're the one animal that you won't find in Madagascar.

Highbrow Answer: Svalbard
Svalbard is the northern-most inhabited place in the world. The average summer temperature is 41 degrees. The largest city is Longyearbyen, with about 2000 people. There's a period of three months where there is no sun at all. Move to this island, and I guarantee you'll be free of anything lowbrow. Somehow I can't envision the girls from "The Hills" living here.

The leading cause of death on Svalbard is Polar Bear attacks. Umm, awesome. That means that by living there, you're basically guaranteeing yourself an epic and gruesome death at the hands of a wild animal. Bad ass. None of this bullshit cancer or AIDS where you're plugged into machines for months on end. Fuck that. I want to go out quickly and painfully. Why be buried in the ground when you can be eaten by a polar bear?

Best Feature of Facebook?

2009-08-31T14:02:00.001-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: The Status Update
Dear Everyone in the World,

I don't care what you are doing in each minute of your life. If I did, I'd call you up every quarter-hour and ask you what you were up to.

I don't care that you're soooooo excited about your new puppy. I hope it gets hit by a car. I don't care that the guy next to you on the subway totally looks like Johnny Depp, LOL. You're ugly and the guy isn't going to hook up with you. I don't care that your wedding was awesome...thanks to everyone who came!! You're wife will starting banging her tennis pro in a few years and you'll be divorced before you're 40.

You're not as important as you think you are. Not one history book will have a blurb on you when you're dead. Nobody cares about the menial events in your day-to-day life. Get over yourself.

Sincerely,
Jeff

Middlebrow Answer: Photos
Yeah, okay, it can be nice to post pictures of cool places you've been. And sure, it helps when you're stalking a girl you just met that you can see pictures of her in a bikini. We've all used facebook pictures to fall desperately in love with somebody before we've even met them. And it can be a fun way to waste ten minutes while you're on break at your trivial, white-collar job.

But that being said, blow me. Nobody wants to see pictures of you doing keg stands with your frat friends. Or you sitting on the beach in Nantucket with the other trust fund babies. And posting shots of yourself in a bathing suit? Could you be any more transparent? "I have low self esteem! Please validate my existence by ogling my body!"

Highbrow Answer: Contact Information
I'm pretty sure that the original intent of facebook was to help people stay connected. It wasn't supposed to become people's entire social life. Having contact information is the only part of the whole website that is actually useful. Of course, in the hands of the inbred yocals who use facebook all the time, I'm sure it's wasted. They'll look up somebody's phone number and, fearing actual human contact, will text the person.

Remember when people used to talk to each other on the phone? Like, when the phonebook was delivered to your doorstep every few months and you actually used it? When you had to talk to your friends' parents before you could talk to your friend. Those are some precious childhood memories: "Hello, Mrs. Humbolt? Can I talk your daughter? Why? Ummm, I like her. Yeah, I like her, like her. No, I can't speak to her?"

Best Street Artist?

2009-08-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

Lowbrow Answer: Banksy
I have an idea. I'm going to create cool graffiti drawings and put them all over England. They're going to be anti-capitalist and have edgy messages about questioning democracy and the natural order of society. I'll decry global corporations and big business with visceral imagery.

Then I'll put it all into a book and get it published by Random House. Because that's TOTALLY anti-capitalist.

Fucking hypocrite. Don't spend your whole career preaching that art belongs to the people and then charge $30 for your book. Banksy is that artist that everyone feels cool for knowing about until you realize that EVERYONE else already knows about him. Kill yourself if you own his book. You filthy prole.

Middlebrow Answer: Julian Beever
Julian Beever is a Belgian dude who creates three dimensional sidewalk art. It's incredible. Check out some of his work here. You have to give credit to any artist who is humble enough that he creates his art in an impermanent medium. Beever's work vanishes slowly over the course of a month or so as it's exposed to the elements. Bad. Ass. If only STD's were as temporary.

While Beever's medium is awesome, his subject matter often isn't. Yes, he does renditions of old masters (highbrow), but he also does paintings of Coke bottles (lowbrow). Come on man. Don't water down your highbrow with lowbrow swill. You don't see Beethoven composing songs for Rihanna or Dostoevsky writing ads for Burger King.

Highbrow Answer: Jean-Michel Basquiat
This guy had the common decency to embody the identity of what a true artist should be: a depressed and raving lunatic with no ability to live in the real world and the victim of a young death. (he was 28) THAT is an artist. None of these fakers. I want real crazies making my art. You have any idea how insane Mozart was? Or Beethoven? See what I mean? Cut your own ear off and I'll check out your art. Otherwise, leave me alone.

Basquiat got his start spraypainting in the streets of New York. He signed all his work "SAMO," but then later started painting "SAMO IS DEAD" all over the city when he decided it was time to move on. Imagine that. An artist who doesn't put his actual name on his work, doesn't try to sell it, and then quits when he feels he has no more to give. Hmm, quitting while you're ahead. What a noble pursuit. Sombody should tell Brett Farve about it.